Sense is Not the Enemy, I Promise
I love Vampire Kisses. Those books changed my life when I read them in October 2007 and I didn't realize how bad they were until a year later, but I still love them anyways. I am in debt to them and their author for what they have done for me; for that, I am a fan for life. Hell, it's because of Vampire Kisses that I got into fan fiction! I was searching for other fans and ran into the Pit of Voles, where the Vampires section had a small community full of Vampire Kisses stories (and this was before the books got their own section; all vampire books used to be lumped into the Vampires section and that is why is exists). The rest is history.
In fact, my first fan fiction was a retelling of the first book of Vampire Kisses with one change made to it: that Raven was moving back to Dullsville from Hipsterville when Alexander moves in. Drama happens, Raven acts like the Mary Sue she is in canon (except meaner and a little more promiscuous). I did a rewrite after someone pointed out how bad the story was and then I did a companion story. That was the end of my Vampire Kisses fan fiction. This comes from a story called "gone with the enemy" and is capitalized the way the author did it. I warn you now that it makes no fucking sense even to me. This is what I call a challenge! Let the games begin!
Second verse, same as the first: everything in red is my comment or what I added to the author's story. Everything in red and crossed out in black is the author's words that I decided had to be removed.
~(WHEEEEE!)~
Raven(')s point of view
Alexander was right next to me, but even though he was there(,) I felt all alone to with the dark shadow that was standing at least not 6 six feet away. I could feel the tense from Alexander's tensed muscles and the courage of Jagger. (All alone to the dark shadow? This makes no sense. Do you mean all alone with the dark shadow? That's what I took it to mean. Also, calling the person a dark shadow implies that she doesn't know who they are, but then she calls them Jagger. How can she feel Jagger's courage? Is she empathic? Rewrite this entire paragraph to make more sense, please.)
"Oh Alexander(,) are you not going to tell her who I am?" The Dark the dark shadow had remarked.
"Alexander(,) what is he talking about?" Now I really was getting nervous. "Alexander?" I wanted to scream in horror(,) but I knew that wouldn't never do anything. (Reverse "really" and "was" in the sentence above. Don't tell us how Raven feels; show us!)
There was no sound at all. But (,) but I sill could still could fell feel Alexander standing next to me. Soon(,) the dark shadow stepped up to me and Alexander, to where he was just in front of me. (Avoid starting sentences with conjunctions like "but" as much as possible. Both the reader and Raven know now that Jagger is the dark shadow, so you can stop calling him the dark shadow.)
"Jagger(,) get away from her!" I had soon seen Alexander in front of me. (What? Rewrite this because it makes no sense at all. I think you mean something like "I saw/felt Alexander move to stand in front of me.")
"Oh(,) so you do know me. So why don't I know her?" All of a sudden(,) I felt dizzy and ready to fall. But I could not (,) but I couldn't go to sleep or go unconscious until I knew what they are talking about.
"Hey(,) did you know that your boyfriend here is not who he says he is?" Then I suddenly felt mad and very sad. But of course(,) but I still listened.
"Alexander(,) what's he talking about?" Suddenly(,) I felt so mad I almost did scream. (You use too many variations of "suddenly" in a short amount of time; fix that whatever way you think is best. Overuse of that word makes an interesting scene melodramatic. I took out one for you, so take out another of your choice and we're good.)
Alexander's point of view
"Alexander(,) tell me!" I heard Raven cry in horror. I real never wanted to hurt her and like this way to.
"Alexander(,) are you not going to answer her?" I heard Jagger remark.
"Raven(,) his name is Jagger. He was the brother of Luna(,) who…" I didn't know what to say after that.
"Alexander(,) you are scaring me now!" I heard Raven say as I heard her back away from me. (Are they all blind in this fic or is it completely dark outside? Even if it is dark outside, Alexander should be able to see. Vampire, remember? Night vision comes with the territory as an unspoken power.)
Suddenly(,) I heard a scream. It had been sounded like Raven.
"Jagger(,) let her go now!" I stared at Raven(,) who looked like she was In in pain or about to pass out. I had seen saw him tighten his grip on Raven's arms and she screamed again. I heard her scream again. (So he can see Jagger tighten his grip on Raven, but he can't see Raven back away from him? Continuity, dear. You need to use it. Either he can see what's going on or he can't. Don't bounce between the two.)
"Oh (,)does that hurt you (,)Alexander? that That the one you love is in pain?" I heard one more scream from Raven.
"Jagger, stop Stop Jagger now and let go of her!"
"Why not? You you hurt my sister(,) so I am going to hurt someone that means something to you." I heard one more scream from Raven when I jumped toward Jagger. He threw Raven toward the ground.
Raven's point of view
I hit my head on the ground where I saw and watched Alexander fighting fight with Jagger from there."Oh(,) so you do care for that human!" I saw Alexander throw a punch at Jagger. I touched my right arm(,) which was now oozing blood. (How did she get a cut on her arm? She hit her head, didn't she? If she sustained any injuries when in Jagger's grip, now is a good time for you to explain to the reader through Raven's point of view how she hurt her arm.)
"I never said I didn't care for your sister; it was just that I wasn't ready for it at all! I mean(,) we were 17 seventeen! what was I supposed to do then?" Now I was starting to feel really dizzy and I could barley barely hear Alexander and Jagger.
Suddenly(,)my cut on my arm was burning and in pain. "Alexander!" I screamed suddenly in horrible pain.
He looked at me for a second in sadness when and then he turned back and to Jagger(,) who was pulling out punches nonstop. (Okay, this is really out-of-character for Alexander. Remember Kissing Coffins? Alexander made sure Raven was safe, unharmed, and gone before he fought with Jagger in the graveyard. He wouldn't look at her for a second and keep fighting; he would stop fighting and make sure she's okay and gets away before resuming the fight.)
I had screamed one more time to where I could hear Jagger say, "Oh(,) her screams are so beautiful(,) don't you think? though that maybe Maybe she needs love and some hope. Alexander(.) You you know she will dye die(,) so why not don't you change her?" I heard him and now I was in total shock(.)(Why does she need to scream one more time so she can hear Jagger?)
(Do less telling and more showing. Instead of telling the reader how Raven feels, describe something Raven might be doing, like trembling or looking back and forth between the two people. Telling us how they feel is bad writing, not good writing. If you're going to switch points of view, use third person, not first. You probably have an interesting story buried in here, but no one can find it because you have made things too confusing. When does this scene take place? What is going on? What does the author mean by this? I don't get it! All of these went through my head while reading. I shouldn't feel like I'm watching "Lost" while reading your fic unless that was what you were going for and I highly doubt that was your purpose.)
~WHEEEEE!)~
As her beta, I would have asked to explain what the fuck is going on because I don't get it. If she can't explain it right or I can't see what she meant when reading over it again, I would give it back to her and tell her either get another beta or try again and see if she can make it more understandable. I would have been a stone-cold, whip-whipping bitch kind of beta. Sounds like I'm pulling a teal deer (thinking I'm super special and great when I'm not), but I like to think that I know what I'm doing. Call it the human delusion because many people think like that, do they not? I probably would have been fired a hundred times over too for being a bitch.
No Longer Procrastinating,
Paige