15 weeks!
Well, I am officially actually 15 weeks 3days or something, all I know is that I'm coming to the end of my 4th month! I'm totally amazed by this, it has passed too quickly and at the same time all too slow. Every day I hope and pray that the baby is still okay, then I feel it move and it makes my day.
Jay is finally working, it isn't much but it is money daily, so that will help till I am back to work (which is supposedly April 1st). I am happy that he is working even if it is lonely here, it gives me some sense of security. I still can't do much here, I spend most of the time sitting in bed and watching TV or goofing around on my computer. I think I've finally seen every episode of "Law and Order" there ever was made. I resorted to watching reruns and other things. I'm restless and at the same time I don't want to do much. I feel totally useless in many ways, and I cannot wait to get back to working around the house and making money, but at the same time I want to stay home and be a mom. With the baby I keep wishing I could just not work, that I could raise this baby till he/she goes to school, but we can't. It just breaks my heart putting a 6 week old baby in daycare.
Most recently I can't seem to sleep enough, and while this does worry me, I chalk it up to the pregnancy. But sleeping 12+ hours a day, between night time and naps, I kinda wonder if everything is okay.
Lately I've been really looking at life, wondering if I am always going to be restless, or if this wanderlust is ever going to fade. There has to be a place for me to be that I am happy to stay. Somewhere with plenty of work, a nice place to live, warm weather, good schools, etc. Sometimes I consider Jay and I getting into the horrible car of ours and hitting the road again for a few more months. Perhaps I wasn't ready to be a mom again, not just yet, or maybe I just want my kids to come with us (I'm not sure). I'm bummed that we can't really have the wedding we wanted, and in a lot of ways I just want to marry Jay, but then there are times that I wonder if I can. I think it is just the restlessness I have going on. There has to be a time and place to be content and I need to stop seeking it, and just let it happen.
Don't get me wrong, I know I love him, but I wonder if I am actually ready to try marriage again. My last was a failure, on both of our ends, and that bothers me to no end. I don't want a marriage like I had before and sometimes I wish I could see a more romantic side of Jay. Sometimes, I wonder, if anyone can ever be the person I need or if my ideal person is just too high of an ideal. Is love enough to hold a marriage together? Not in my experience. I just kinda wonder what else needs to be there to keep it alive for 50+ years. God I hope so, and I hope that I stop feeling that my life is unfulfilled.
Anyhow less than 25 more weeks and I'll hold my new baby in my arms, and while I cannot wait, I'm scared! Never thought I'd feel that way about baby #3, but then again I am starting over again. The girls are basically self-sufficient now, they don't need me holding their hands, they don't need me feeding them, they don't need me to teach them about putting things in their mouths. It comes with so much to think about!
Jay is finally working, it isn't much but it is money daily, so that will help till I am back to work (which is supposedly April 1st). I am happy that he is working even if it is lonely here, it gives me some sense of security. I still can't do much here, I spend most of the time sitting in bed and watching TV or goofing around on my computer. I think I've finally seen every episode of "Law and Order" there ever was made. I resorted to watching reruns and other things. I'm restless and at the same time I don't want to do much. I feel totally useless in many ways, and I cannot wait to get back to working around the house and making money, but at the same time I want to stay home and be a mom. With the baby I keep wishing I could just not work, that I could raise this baby till he/she goes to school, but we can't. It just breaks my heart putting a 6 week old baby in daycare.
Most recently I can't seem to sleep enough, and while this does worry me, I chalk it up to the pregnancy. But sleeping 12+ hours a day, between night time and naps, I kinda wonder if everything is okay.
Lately I've been really looking at life, wondering if I am always going to be restless, or if this wanderlust is ever going to fade. There has to be a place for me to be that I am happy to stay. Somewhere with plenty of work, a nice place to live, warm weather, good schools, etc. Sometimes I consider Jay and I getting into the horrible car of ours and hitting the road again for a few more months. Perhaps I wasn't ready to be a mom again, not just yet, or maybe I just want my kids to come with us (I'm not sure). I'm bummed that we can't really have the wedding we wanted, and in a lot of ways I just want to marry Jay, but then there are times that I wonder if I can. I think it is just the restlessness I have going on. There has to be a time and place to be content and I need to stop seeking it, and just let it happen.
Don't get me wrong, I know I love him, but I wonder if I am actually ready to try marriage again. My last was a failure, on both of our ends, and that bothers me to no end. I don't want a marriage like I had before and sometimes I wish I could see a more romantic side of Jay. Sometimes, I wonder, if anyone can ever be the person I need or if my ideal person is just too high of an ideal. Is love enough to hold a marriage together? Not in my experience. I just kinda wonder what else needs to be there to keep it alive for 50+ years. God I hope so, and I hope that I stop feeling that my life is unfulfilled.
Anyhow less than 25 more weeks and I'll hold my new baby in my arms, and while I cannot wait, I'm scared! Never thought I'd feel that way about baby #3, but then again I am starting over again. The girls are basically self-sufficient now, they don't need me holding their hands, they don't need me feeding them, they don't need me to teach them about putting things in their mouths. It comes with so much to think about!