The Last Shoe Drops
Today I found out that I will not get paid, at all, while on Short Term Disability because I hadn't been with the company for 6 months. This was in the fine print on the paperwork, and their grid for payment schedule was misleading saying I would. This puts me in a huge bind because I've been off work since February 8th. The surgery was the 17th of February, I am considering going back to work on Monday.
With me being Bi-Polar and BPD, this makes things even more difficult for me. Because while my fiancee' was looking for work, we live in one of the worst states for unemployment in the USA. I cannot help but blame him to some degree, less than myself however, especially because for the last 3 weeks he's been taking care of me 24/7. I keep feeling that I have failed, because I should've read that paperwork better. I should've just swallowed it down and dealt with the pain a little longer and hoped that it would go away and get me the last few weeks till I could get my Disability and assure the security of my family.
Now I feel that I should just cope and goto work on Monday whatever happens, but I also am torn about doing that because I can't even wash my own clothing or bend over to clean up a floor. Yes I am "mobile" now, and I can do a few things like folding laundry on the bed or a couch, but standing for 9 hours just doesn't appeal to me, nor does it seem wise. Yes now my fiancee' can return to actively looking for work again, but by the time he finds something, if he finds something, it will be too late. I mean, 2 more major companies are closing down in the tri-county area, and another 150.000 people are going to be out of work.
I'm sorry, I am just venting I guess. I'm really down, stressed and scared. I feel betrayed by my company, I feel as though I have failed my family, and I feel that I have betrayed myself.
Worse still, is the fear that while I love this baby so much, and I am so thankful for him or her that this is just a bad time to bring a baby into the world. More so, I am afraid that God will punish me for wondering these things, for considering not keeping this miracle he's given me. What kind of mother thinks these things? What kind of person partially wishes they weren't pregnant, and at the same time are so in love with their baby they are happy about it, but then worry that God will take it away? I am such a horrible person.
With me being Bi-Polar and BPD, this makes things even more difficult for me. Because while my fiancee' was looking for work, we live in one of the worst states for unemployment in the USA. I cannot help but blame him to some degree, less than myself however, especially because for the last 3 weeks he's been taking care of me 24/7. I keep feeling that I have failed, because I should've read that paperwork better. I should've just swallowed it down and dealt with the pain a little longer and hoped that it would go away and get me the last few weeks till I could get my Disability and assure the security of my family.
Now I feel that I should just cope and goto work on Monday whatever happens, but I also am torn about doing that because I can't even wash my own clothing or bend over to clean up a floor. Yes I am "mobile" now, and I can do a few things like folding laundry on the bed or a couch, but standing for 9 hours just doesn't appeal to me, nor does it seem wise. Yes now my fiancee' can return to actively looking for work again, but by the time he finds something, if he finds something, it will be too late. I mean, 2 more major companies are closing down in the tri-county area, and another 150.000 people are going to be out of work.
I'm sorry, I am just venting I guess. I'm really down, stressed and scared. I feel betrayed by my company, I feel as though I have failed my family, and I feel that I have betrayed myself.
Worse still, is the fear that while I love this baby so much, and I am so thankful for him or her that this is just a bad time to bring a baby into the world. More so, I am afraid that God will punish me for wondering these things, for considering not keeping this miracle he's given me. What kind of mother thinks these things? What kind of person partially wishes they weren't pregnant, and at the same time are so in love with their baby they are happy about it, but then worry that God will take it away? I am such a horrible person.