The Wr!ter: Worrying Too Much
!! Dear Whomever Gives A Damn !!
It seems as though every day that goes by, Kris and I are slowly becoming closer all over again. Last night was another night that we spent together in a very intimate way - and he made me laugh like I've never laughed before. We were talking about intimacy and getting physical and he says to me "Honestly - to a guy, it doesn't matter whether the girl is good or not - just as long as she shows up." I asked what he meant, and he said "If a guy walked up to a girl, and said let's go and fuck - he'd get a smack across the face nine times out of ten - but if a girl went up to a guy and said let's go and fuck - the guy would be like oh sure yeah, let's go!" I laughed so hard when he said that. He said it's true. I guess in a way, it is kind of true. I said that there was a chance the girl would say yes if asked, and he said yeah, but nine times out of ten - it would be a hard smack to the face. I just laughed.
We lay there together quiet for a while, and he was talking - I don't remember what about - my mind was going a mile a minute, as it usually does. He stopped and asked what was wrong. He's been asking that a lot lately, and it's something that he's not done in such a long time - so I'm not used to it when he asks me. I said nothing, as I usually do. He called me a liar, as he usually does. I said I know, as I usually do, and he laughed - as he usually does.
I told him it is just the "same old" and to not worry about it. He asked me what is the "same old" and I said you know. He said that he didn't, but I knew that he did. He just likes to hear what's really on my mind - so - I told him. I told him how I'm afraid that he's not going to love me at the end of all of it - and he looked at me in the eyes (the hall light it usually on because Isabella refuses to sleep without it, even though she has a night light) and he says to me "I wish you wouldn't worry so much". I asked why, and he said because I worry way too much and that I've got nothing to worry about. I said how. He said how what. I said how do I not have anything to worry about. He wrapped his arm around me and squeezed me like a teddy bear - and said that I've just got nothing to worry about and that I have to trust him. I said that I do trust him, but he just has to understand, and I told him I wished he'd understand and he says that he does - but I need to stop worrying so much, and how he wished that I would just stop worrying so much. He gave me a kiss, and smiled.
Something that I try not to do - is worry too much. I thought that he didn't understand why I did worry so much, but he does understand. He never says that he understands when he doesn't. That's what I love about him. Most men I've had in my life tell me that they understand, and they have no idea what in the hell I'm talking about. But when he really doesn't understand, he tells me that he doesn't, and asks me to explain it the best that I can - so that he can try and understand.
I really feel like I'm going to be able to enjoy this Christmas this year. I've gotten over the anger and bitterness I had towards my mother, and hope that I never have to see her again. I'm actually getting more involved with Kris' family this year with Christmas - we all did our shopping together. I just really feel like I'm starting my own traditions, and really starting to grow apart from my family (and I'm so thankful for that!) and just - really understanding what life is like on your own without your family always being right there to pick you up when you drop. Though, my family never really did that for me - I always did it for them - so it's been nice to get that pressure off my shoulders.
It's nice to finally get the pressure of having to keep their lives together off my shoulders. I was trying to keep two families together - my own being Kris, Isabella, and the baby - and then my Mom, brother, sister, Dad and myself. But now that I've released all of that pressure, I can finally grow in other parts of my life - and actually enjoy the small things.
Through my life, it's been so hard for me to stop and smell the roses. I rushed through everything. I had no patience. I couldn't and wouldn't enjoy anything - because my parents never did. Now, I've got almost all the patience in the world, and I enjoy a walk to even just get the mail with Isabella instead of rushing her. Isabella always takes her boots off when we go for a drive, and one day I was letting her grab her own boots and put them on - and I had people commenting on how I've got so much patience, that they would have been stuffing the boots on their kids feet. I don't know - I feel like I'm just finally able to stop and smell the roses.
Sure, I worry, very much, about Kris breaking my heart - but he told me not to worry and to trust him. Many have told me I shouldn't, especially those closest to me. I've even had people tell me that I should take this opportunity to walk out and find someone who will love me for me. It's not that Kris doesn't care. It's not that he won't ever love me. He said that he will love me. He said that he wants me. He wants us. You don't need to love someone to be with them, though, it does kill me that I love him more than he'll ever know and he doesn't love me - but when two people date, they don't love each other - right?
Our situation, I know, is a little different than two people dating - but the strongest relationships are built on a strong friendship. Honesty, trust, communication, and friendship are the foundation to a good relationship. Or, at least, I think so. We're starting to build on all of those, and I believe him that he will love me again. Many tell me I shouldn't believe him and I shouldn't trust him - but I cannot help it. They ask if I'm willing to risk my heart, if it's all worth it? If he breaks my heart, I know that I would just do it all over again anyway. I'm willing to risk everything to be with him - my life, my heart. I love him, and I never knew what love really was until I had him. I don't want to give that up, and without risk, there is no chance, and without chance comes no opportunity - and without opportunity - you've got nothing.
I just believe him, and I trust him. I also know that I do worry too much, but I am so happy that he does understand.
ox (! Tw!nkers !) xo
♥ ♥ ♥
It seems as though every day that goes by, Kris and I are slowly becoming closer all over again. Last night was another night that we spent together in a very intimate way - and he made me laugh like I've never laughed before. We were talking about intimacy and getting physical and he says to me "Honestly - to a guy, it doesn't matter whether the girl is good or not - just as long as she shows up." I asked what he meant, and he said "If a guy walked up to a girl, and said let's go and fuck - he'd get a smack across the face nine times out of ten - but if a girl went up to a guy and said let's go and fuck - the guy would be like oh sure yeah, let's go!" I laughed so hard when he said that. He said it's true. I guess in a way, it is kind of true. I said that there was a chance the girl would say yes if asked, and he said yeah, but nine times out of ten - it would be a hard smack to the face. I just laughed.
We lay there together quiet for a while, and he was talking - I don't remember what about - my mind was going a mile a minute, as it usually does. He stopped and asked what was wrong. He's been asking that a lot lately, and it's something that he's not done in such a long time - so I'm not used to it when he asks me. I said nothing, as I usually do. He called me a liar, as he usually does. I said I know, as I usually do, and he laughed - as he usually does.
I told him it is just the "same old" and to not worry about it. He asked me what is the "same old" and I said you know. He said that he didn't, but I knew that he did. He just likes to hear what's really on my mind - so - I told him. I told him how I'm afraid that he's not going to love me at the end of all of it - and he looked at me in the eyes (the hall light it usually on because Isabella refuses to sleep without it, even though she has a night light) and he says to me "I wish you wouldn't worry so much". I asked why, and he said because I worry way too much and that I've got nothing to worry about. I said how. He said how what. I said how do I not have anything to worry about. He wrapped his arm around me and squeezed me like a teddy bear - and said that I've just got nothing to worry about and that I have to trust him. I said that I do trust him, but he just has to understand, and I told him I wished he'd understand and he says that he does - but I need to stop worrying so much, and how he wished that I would just stop worrying so much. He gave me a kiss, and smiled.
Something that I try not to do - is worry too much. I thought that he didn't understand why I did worry so much, but he does understand. He never says that he understands when he doesn't. That's what I love about him. Most men I've had in my life tell me that they understand, and they have no idea what in the hell I'm talking about. But when he really doesn't understand, he tells me that he doesn't, and asks me to explain it the best that I can - so that he can try and understand.
I really feel like I'm going to be able to enjoy this Christmas this year. I've gotten over the anger and bitterness I had towards my mother, and hope that I never have to see her again. I'm actually getting more involved with Kris' family this year with Christmas - we all did our shopping together. I just really feel like I'm starting my own traditions, and really starting to grow apart from my family (and I'm so thankful for that!) and just - really understanding what life is like on your own without your family always being right there to pick you up when you drop. Though, my family never really did that for me - I always did it for them - so it's been nice to get that pressure off my shoulders.
It's nice to finally get the pressure of having to keep their lives together off my shoulders. I was trying to keep two families together - my own being Kris, Isabella, and the baby - and then my Mom, brother, sister, Dad and myself. But now that I've released all of that pressure, I can finally grow in other parts of my life - and actually enjoy the small things.
Through my life, it's been so hard for me to stop and smell the roses. I rushed through everything. I had no patience. I couldn't and wouldn't enjoy anything - because my parents never did. Now, I've got almost all the patience in the world, and I enjoy a walk to even just get the mail with Isabella instead of rushing her. Isabella always takes her boots off when we go for a drive, and one day I was letting her grab her own boots and put them on - and I had people commenting on how I've got so much patience, that they would have been stuffing the boots on their kids feet. I don't know - I feel like I'm just finally able to stop and smell the roses.
Sure, I worry, very much, about Kris breaking my heart - but he told me not to worry and to trust him. Many have told me I shouldn't, especially those closest to me. I've even had people tell me that I should take this opportunity to walk out and find someone who will love me for me. It's not that Kris doesn't care. It's not that he won't ever love me. He said that he will love me. He said that he wants me. He wants us. You don't need to love someone to be with them, though, it does kill me that I love him more than he'll ever know and he doesn't love me - but when two people date, they don't love each other - right?
Our situation, I know, is a little different than two people dating - but the strongest relationships are built on a strong friendship. Honesty, trust, communication, and friendship are the foundation to a good relationship. Or, at least, I think so. We're starting to build on all of those, and I believe him that he will love me again. Many tell me I shouldn't believe him and I shouldn't trust him - but I cannot help it. They ask if I'm willing to risk my heart, if it's all worth it? If he breaks my heart, I know that I would just do it all over again anyway. I'm willing to risk everything to be with him - my life, my heart. I love him, and I never knew what love really was until I had him. I don't want to give that up, and without risk, there is no chance, and without chance comes no opportunity - and without opportunity - you've got nothing.
I just believe him, and I trust him. I also know that I do worry too much, but I am so happy that he does understand.
ox (! Tw!nkers !) xo
♥ ♥ ♥