NCIS ficlet: McThief
McThief [NCIS, Tony, Tim, Ziva, Gibbs, Vance, G, 857 words, 6x07 tag. A little silliness for newkidfan, as a thank you for all your hard work on artword.]
"McGreedy!" Tony shouts.
He slams his drawer shut on the sad sight inside. A few empty wrappers and a lot of empty space where there should be good, large, solid blocks of tasty chocolate. His entire stash - built up from many judicious hits and kicks to the vending machine - demolished.
He glares around the room. Ziva's behind her computer, looking industrious (she's faking it, Tony's certain), but McGee is nowhere to be seen. Probably in the men's room barfing up stolen chocolate. Tony hopes he's suffering.
When McGee does appear, though, he looks smug and satisfied. Which is just not on. No one can be allowed to look that happy (or any kind of happy) after stealing Tony's chocolate.
Time for some intimidation. He gets up and stands in front of McGee, blocking his way.
"Got anything to say, Probie?"
Tim looks at him. "I don't think so," he says, and the sneaky bastard manages to sound genuinely innocent and puzzled. "Unless you want me to ask you to move out of my way, but I hardly imagine you'd have stood in my way just so I'd ask you to move out of it because it would have been much easier just to have not stood in my way in the first place."
Tony shakes his head in the hope that he can clear it of the horror of that sentence. "How do you manage to sound like a McGeek even when you're talking English? No," he continues as McGee opens his mouth, "that was rhetorical. Besides, there's just one question that needs answering here, and you are going to answer it. Where is my chocolate?"
"I don't know anything about your chocolate."
Tony narrows his eyes. He's been told it makes him look dangerous. McGee clearly didn't get the memo on what to do when facing danger, because he's still standing there, shrugging his shoulders.
"Someone," and Tony manages to put all the contempt in the world into that word, "someone has stolen my secret chocolate stash."
"It clearly wasn't a very good secret then," McGee points out, as though he's being helpful.
"That isn't the point. The point is that it was you. You're the dirty, thieving McThief."
"No, I'm not."
"Are too." Tony shoves McGee to make his point.
"Am not." McGee shoves back.
"McPig."
McGee glares back at him. His is a feeble glare, nothing like the might of Tony's. If it comes to a glare-down, Tony is going to win.
Except. Ouch. A slap around the head, and he instantly drops the glare and turns around. "Yes, Boss," he asks. Eager, but not too eager. He has to keep the balance right.
"For an investigator, you're incredibly unobservant at times, DiNozzo," Gibbs says.
Tony's not sure, but he thinks Gibbs might have just glanced over at Ziva as he spoke. Which, aha, Tony knows what that means.
You ate it, he mouths at her, and Ziva does an incredibly bad impression of what, me?
He has to wait until they get back from Quantico to check out Ziva's desk. She's headed down to Abby's lab, and McGee's disappeared too, so he should have a few minutes to investigate. He opens every drawer, including the one Ziva thinks she has safely locked, and he rifles through her bag, but there's nothing. No crumbs, no fragments of chocolaty foil, no candy fingerprints. He sits back on his haunches behind her desk and sighs. It doesn't make sense. It has to be one of the two of them. Gibbs wouldn't steal his chocolate, the recruit wouldn't have dared mess with Tony, and it wouldn't have been anyone outside Team Gibbs.
"Looking for this, Agent DiNozzo?"
Tony stands up instantly, banging his head on the arm of Ziva's chair as he stands. He tries to look dignified while wincing. He's not entirely sure he's successful.
Director Vance is standing in the aisle, holding a chocolate bar. He peels it open and takes a bite, nodding to himself in approval. There's no doubt that this is one of Tony's bars.
Tony smiles manfully. "Just fixing, a, um, issue with Ziva's desk." He thinks quickly. "It was wobbly."
"And you were kind enough to fix it for her?"
"All fixed," Tony says, and shakes it to prove it. A stapler and mouse fall on the floor. Tony decides it would be wisest to ignore them, the way he's trying to ignore the chocolate smear on the Director's tie.
Ziva and McGee walks in just as Director Vance leaves, and Tony can see the smile McGee completely fails to hide when he sees a half-eaten chocolate bar in the Director's hand.
"So, your stolen stash got confiscated, huh," McGee says, and really, gloating doesn't suit him.
"I think the Director was trying to teach him a lesson," Ziva says to McGee.
"I think he might have been." McGee nods. They look at each other, McGee fishes in his pocket, Ziva looks in her purse and they head to his desk and slap down a little pile of quarters.
"Candy money," McGee says. And grins evilly. "Since you've been DiNuded."
//
"McGreedy!" Tony shouts.
He slams his drawer shut on the sad sight inside. A few empty wrappers and a lot of empty space where there should be good, large, solid blocks of tasty chocolate. His entire stash - built up from many judicious hits and kicks to the vending machine - demolished.
He glares around the room. Ziva's behind her computer, looking industrious (she's faking it, Tony's certain), but McGee is nowhere to be seen. Probably in the men's room barfing up stolen chocolate. Tony hopes he's suffering.
When McGee does appear, though, he looks smug and satisfied. Which is just not on. No one can be allowed to look that happy (or any kind of happy) after stealing Tony's chocolate.
Time for some intimidation. He gets up and stands in front of McGee, blocking his way.
"Got anything to say, Probie?"
Tim looks at him. "I don't think so," he says, and the sneaky bastard manages to sound genuinely innocent and puzzled. "Unless you want me to ask you to move out of my way, but I hardly imagine you'd have stood in my way just so I'd ask you to move out of it because it would have been much easier just to have not stood in my way in the first place."
Tony shakes his head in the hope that he can clear it of the horror of that sentence. "How do you manage to sound like a McGeek even when you're talking English? No," he continues as McGee opens his mouth, "that was rhetorical. Besides, there's just one question that needs answering here, and you are going to answer it. Where is my chocolate?"
"I don't know anything about your chocolate."
Tony narrows his eyes. He's been told it makes him look dangerous. McGee clearly didn't get the memo on what to do when facing danger, because he's still standing there, shrugging his shoulders.
"Someone," and Tony manages to put all the contempt in the world into that word, "someone has stolen my secret chocolate stash."
"It clearly wasn't a very good secret then," McGee points out, as though he's being helpful.
"That isn't the point. The point is that it was you. You're the dirty, thieving McThief."
"No, I'm not."
"Are too." Tony shoves McGee to make his point.
"Am not." McGee shoves back.
"McPig."
McGee glares back at him. His is a feeble glare, nothing like the might of Tony's. If it comes to a glare-down, Tony is going to win.
Except. Ouch. A slap around the head, and he instantly drops the glare and turns around. "Yes, Boss," he asks. Eager, but not too eager. He has to keep the balance right.
"For an investigator, you're incredibly unobservant at times, DiNozzo," Gibbs says.
Tony's not sure, but he thinks Gibbs might have just glanced over at Ziva as he spoke. Which, aha, Tony knows what that means.
You ate it, he mouths at her, and Ziva does an incredibly bad impression of what, me?
He has to wait until they get back from Quantico to check out Ziva's desk. She's headed down to Abby's lab, and McGee's disappeared too, so he should have a few minutes to investigate. He opens every drawer, including the one Ziva thinks she has safely locked, and he rifles through her bag, but there's nothing. No crumbs, no fragments of chocolaty foil, no candy fingerprints. He sits back on his haunches behind her desk and sighs. It doesn't make sense. It has to be one of the two of them. Gibbs wouldn't steal his chocolate, the recruit wouldn't have dared mess with Tony, and it wouldn't have been anyone outside Team Gibbs.
"Looking for this, Agent DiNozzo?"
Tony stands up instantly, banging his head on the arm of Ziva's chair as he stands. He tries to look dignified while wincing. He's not entirely sure he's successful.
Director Vance is standing in the aisle, holding a chocolate bar. He peels it open and takes a bite, nodding to himself in approval. There's no doubt that this is one of Tony's bars.
Tony smiles manfully. "Just fixing, a, um, issue with Ziva's desk." He thinks quickly. "It was wobbly."
"And you were kind enough to fix it for her?"
"All fixed," Tony says, and shakes it to prove it. A stapler and mouse fall on the floor. Tony decides it would be wisest to ignore them, the way he's trying to ignore the chocolate smear on the Director's tie.
Ziva and McGee walks in just as Director Vance leaves, and Tony can see the smile McGee completely fails to hide when he sees a half-eaten chocolate bar in the Director's hand.
"So, your stolen stash got confiscated, huh," McGee says, and really, gloating doesn't suit him.
"I think the Director was trying to teach him a lesson," Ziva says to McGee.
"I think he might have been." McGee nods. They look at each other, McGee fishes in his pocket, Ziva looks in her purse and they head to his desk and slap down a little pile of quarters.
"Candy money," McGee says. And grins evilly. "Since you've been DiNuded."
//