13: Don't Bring Strangers Home, Ever.
Title: Don't Bring Strangers Home, Ever. (Alternatively: Russell Brand!)
Author: Sharmie
Rating: PG-13 at least.
Summary: Russell Brand! (That's it)
Notes: This was about nothing. And then it got long. So I needed something else. Sorry.
Noel was on his way home from a very stressful Mic Lead class. It would have been a lot easier if Sharmie had been there, but she had decided to instead do her hair because she had All About Lights earlier that day and Richard Ayoade had come back from the untold hell dimension slash very nice vacation spot. He was coming over later to get her notes from the two and a half weeks of class he had missed.
As a result, Noel had been forced to do swishy turns without someone to spot him in class, and he had bruises from tripping himself. Sore and a little sad, he walked home.
“‘Ello mate,” said a voice, not in the strange canadian accent but a comfortable british one.
“Hi,” said Noel, his day already a little brighter. Standing beside him was a man with insane hair. He was so entranced by the insanity of his hair that he completely ignored the fact that he looked a little bit like a pirate and was stroking his arm.
“It’s a lovely day, isn’t it? Everything looks quite wonderful, looks quite nice, it’s all sunshine and rainbows and kittens, a wonderful fairytale sort of setting, the kind of day that happens just before the love interest goes missing or something,” babbled the man, still stroking Noel’s arm. “I’m Russell, Russell Brand,” he said, grinning in a way that was a bit terrifying and also turned Noel on a little.
“Hi,” said Noel again. He felt redundant but he was still entranced by Russell’s hair.
“Have you got a name? Or were your parents of the unfortunate variety in that they couldn’t think of a name and so left you untitled, sort of like an experimental student art piece?”
“I’m Noel,” said Noel. He was Noel.
“Want some candy?” asked Russell, holding out a handful of sweets wrapped in cellophane.
“Alright,” said Noel, finally tearing his eyes away from Russell’s hair to accept the sweets. Candy could always make him feel better. It was lucky that Russell was there to be so nice to him.
“Do you go to school here?” asked Noel, popping a sweet into his mouth.
“Yeah, I do, actually,” said Russell, shifting his weight from one foot to the other. “I feel a bit out of place here, you know, because of it being Canada and all but I’ve kind of been exiled from the UK and the US hates me, so Canada seemed like the next place to go.”
“How come?” said Noel.
“I don’t really know,” said Russell. “I think it has something to do with my future self coming to the past and mucking things up and maybe having a lot of sex.”
“Oh,” said Noel, ignoring the bit about sex. “Want to come over?”
“Alright,” said Russell, beaming.
So the two of them headed to the townhouse. Russell spoke a mile a minute and bounced on his feet as he walked, continually touching some part of Noel’s anatomy that shouldn’t have seemed sexual but it always felt a little bit gay.
When they arrived, Noel let Russell go ahead of him. Russell wandered into the kitchen, where Sharmie was pulling her hair out of braids so it would be wavy. Leah was pretending to read her Chaucer Way Much More textbook, but was really just knitting. She was knitting a very large sock with one needle.
“AUGH!” cried Sharmie, sort of jumping in her chair. “How did you get in here?”
“Noel let me in,” said Russell, grinning at them with a grin that made them feel like he had x-ray vision and was regarding their bones with some sort of affection.
“He gave me candy,” said Noel cheerfully.
Leah sort of stopped knitting and stared at Noel quizzically.
“So you invited him over?”
“Yeah,” said Noel, sitting across from Leah at the table. “What’s wrong with that?”
“Nothing, I guess,” said Leah, returning to her knitting.
Meanwhile, Russell was sort of leering over her shoulder, until she felt like someone was looking at her and then looked up. Russell’s eyes sparkled and sort of entranced her, and she was frozen for a second while his hand sort of slid over her shoulder.
“My name’s Russell, it’s a pleasure to meet such a beautiful and endearing lady as yourself,” he said, capturing her hand with his other. Her knitting fell to the floor and was swallowed by the monster that lived under the kitchen table. “What’s your name?”
“Uh,” said Leah. She was a bit speechless. But then she remembered that she was supposed to be the sensible one and instead responded. “I’m Leah.” She took her hand away and vaguely mourned the loss of her giant sock.
“Beautiful,” said Russell, his other hand sliding down her back.
“I’ve got to go, uh, do my Time Travel homework!” she blurted, and ran upstairs to play the Sims. Russell looked after her, a little wounded.
“I don’t understand what went wrong,” Russell said.
“You did come on a bit strong,” said Noel, juggling some satsumas.
“Or not strong enough,” said Russell, turning on Sharmie.
“Hi,” he said, cupping her face with one hand. His grin felt like it was molesting her soul, and yet she could not look away. “I’m Russell, and if you’ll let me I will rock your world. I will take you on a thrashing sea of ecstasy and pleasure, taking you to the brink and back again, again and again until--”
“Help me,” squeaked Sharmie, shrinking away from Russell’s hands.
Just then, Paisley came in. She had just come in from Celebrity Politics and was about to grab something to eat before going to her Science of Wheat lab.
“Hi,” said Russell, suddenly excited by this new arrival. He boogied over to her, not knowing that he looked a bit deranged. “I’m Russell. I quite like the shape of your...” he floundered for something to flatter her that wasn’t too explicit, “...jaw...” he finished lamely.
“Uh, thanks?” said Paisley. “Please don’t touch me.” Russell pulled away and laughed, and then leaned in for a hug or a kiss or a vertical cuddle.
“Ha, ahhhhh.... Don’t ever touch me,” Paisley said, leaning away from his touch. He laughed nervously again, but didn’t reach out for her a third time. Instead he stared until she got uncomfortable and went to the fridge to get something to eat.
Left with no fresh prospects, as Noel had begun teaching Patrick Fish how to juggle satsumas, he returned to Sharmie, who was looking anxiously at the clock, and then back at Russell.
“Um,” she said awkwardly, trying to shuffle away from him. This caused her to slip in her chair a bit and he caught her and pulled her closer. “This is kind of like rape,” she said.
“Oh, I’m sure you don’t mind,” grinned Russell, looking a little bit terrifying. Just then, the doorbell rang.
“That’s Richard!” said Sharmie excitedly, trying to pull her hand from Russell’s. “I’ve got to get the door.”
“Let someone else do it, love, we’ve got such a good thing going here,” he replied. He was a bit like a spider who had caught a fly. This might have been because he started singing a strange song, whose lyrics included “I’ll give you Spider lovin’,” “I’m gonna suck your hair,” and “I’m gonna eat you like you was the fly.” Sharmie whimpered.
Luckily, Leah had paused her game of the Sims long enough to answer the door. Paisley never answered the door because the people on the other side always wanted to see Noel and she didn’t like it.
“... in the kitchen,” came Leah’s voice from the entry way. Richard Ayoade wandered into the kitchen, smiling a little. His smile faltered when he saw Russell physically keeping Sharmie in her chair.
“Um,” he began, but didn’t know what else to say. He settled for a quick, “Hi Sharmie.”
“Hi,” she said, looking frightened but also happy to see him. “Um, Russell please let me go. This is Richard. I like him. Quite a lot, actually.”
Russell considered not listening, but then he remembered he wasn’t a rapist and that there were two other girls in the house who he could charm, even though they seemed to be avoiding him. And Noel. Noel was pretty.
“Alright,” he said cheerfully, instead wandering off to bother Noel and Patrick Fish.
Sharmie got up and stood awkwardly in front of Richard, until she kind of pounced and hugged him around his middle.
“I’m glad you’re back,” she said happily.
“Thanks,” he replied, a little shy.
“Whose candy is this?” interrupted Paisley. It was an awkward moment, since Sharmie and Richard were kind of hugging still, but Paisley really wanted some candy.
“I dunno,” said Sharmie, sort of letting go of Richard. Mostly.
Paisley shrugged and went to eat a piece, when suddenly the candy started growing. It grew until it was so large it couldn’t fit in her mouth, and then she couldn’t hold it anymore it was too big. It sprouted legs and claws and a tail and some tiny fairy wings that couldn’t possibly be functional, but since somehow bees were able to fly they figured that it could too.
“Gulbluggghhh?” went Paisley, dropping the wrapper the candy was once in.
“I am CandyMandy!” twitched the neurotic sweet. “I will sugarcoat your soul!” It twitched some more and hovered above the table. Sharmie was afraid its wings would give out and it would destroy the nice table Leah had picked out.
The candy monster advanced on Sharmie and Paisley, and the girls cowered in fear.
“You won’t do anything of the sort!” said Richard, suddenly pulling a chainsaw out of his pocket.
Sharmie and Paisley gasped in awe. His chainsaw was huge, and to be truthful it turned them on a little.
“I will so,” said CandyMandy, with attitude.
“Will not,” said Richard.
“Will so,” said CandyMandy.
“Will not,” said Richard.
“Will so!” cried CandyMandy.
“Not while I’m around!” cried Richard, turning on his chainsaw. He began to cut the giant sweet in half.
“SELF-DEFENSE ENGAGE!” gurgled the sweet, twitching with fear and insanity. And then both the candy and Richard disappeared.
“That’s my boyfriend,” said Sharmie.
“Oh really?” said Paisley, eating her sandwich. “Cool.”
Just then, Noel ran out of his room, clad in underwear and a fashionable sleeveless top. And go go boots.
“Please stop touching me there,” cried Noel, running up the stairs.
“Just give it a chance!” replied Russell.
And so he did. But this was only in Paisley’s mind. In reality, they were in Noel’s room playing poker with Patrick Fish.
But the candy thing was all Russell’s fault. So Paisley and Sharmie kind of hated him, but not enough to not love him a little bit too.
THE END.
Author: Sharmie
Rating: PG-13 at least.
Summary: Russell Brand! (That's it)
Notes: This was about nothing. And then it got long. So I needed something else. Sorry.
Noel was on his way home from a very stressful Mic Lead class. It would have been a lot easier if Sharmie had been there, but she had decided to instead do her hair because she had All About Lights earlier that day and Richard Ayoade had come back from the untold hell dimension slash very nice vacation spot. He was coming over later to get her notes from the two and a half weeks of class he had missed.
As a result, Noel had been forced to do swishy turns without someone to spot him in class, and he had bruises from tripping himself. Sore and a little sad, he walked home.
“‘Ello mate,” said a voice, not in the strange canadian accent but a comfortable british one.
“Hi,” said Noel, his day already a little brighter. Standing beside him was a man with insane hair. He was so entranced by the insanity of his hair that he completely ignored the fact that he looked a little bit like a pirate and was stroking his arm.
“It’s a lovely day, isn’t it? Everything looks quite wonderful, looks quite nice, it’s all sunshine and rainbows and kittens, a wonderful fairytale sort of setting, the kind of day that happens just before the love interest goes missing or something,” babbled the man, still stroking Noel’s arm. “I’m Russell, Russell Brand,” he said, grinning in a way that was a bit terrifying and also turned Noel on a little.
“Hi,” said Noel again. He felt redundant but he was still entranced by Russell’s hair.
“Have you got a name? Or were your parents of the unfortunate variety in that they couldn’t think of a name and so left you untitled, sort of like an experimental student art piece?”
“I’m Noel,” said Noel. He was Noel.
“Want some candy?” asked Russell, holding out a handful of sweets wrapped in cellophane.
“Alright,” said Noel, finally tearing his eyes away from Russell’s hair to accept the sweets. Candy could always make him feel better. It was lucky that Russell was there to be so nice to him.
“Do you go to school here?” asked Noel, popping a sweet into his mouth.
“Yeah, I do, actually,” said Russell, shifting his weight from one foot to the other. “I feel a bit out of place here, you know, because of it being Canada and all but I’ve kind of been exiled from the UK and the US hates me, so Canada seemed like the next place to go.”
“How come?” said Noel.
“I don’t really know,” said Russell. “I think it has something to do with my future self coming to the past and mucking things up and maybe having a lot of sex.”
“Oh,” said Noel, ignoring the bit about sex. “Want to come over?”
“Alright,” said Russell, beaming.
So the two of them headed to the townhouse. Russell spoke a mile a minute and bounced on his feet as he walked, continually touching some part of Noel’s anatomy that shouldn’t have seemed sexual but it always felt a little bit gay.
When they arrived, Noel let Russell go ahead of him. Russell wandered into the kitchen, where Sharmie was pulling her hair out of braids so it would be wavy. Leah was pretending to read her Chaucer Way Much More textbook, but was really just knitting. She was knitting a very large sock with one needle.
“AUGH!” cried Sharmie, sort of jumping in her chair. “How did you get in here?”
“Noel let me in,” said Russell, grinning at them with a grin that made them feel like he had x-ray vision and was regarding their bones with some sort of affection.
“He gave me candy,” said Noel cheerfully.
Leah sort of stopped knitting and stared at Noel quizzically.
“So you invited him over?”
“Yeah,” said Noel, sitting across from Leah at the table. “What’s wrong with that?”
“Nothing, I guess,” said Leah, returning to her knitting.
Meanwhile, Russell was sort of leering over her shoulder, until she felt like someone was looking at her and then looked up. Russell’s eyes sparkled and sort of entranced her, and she was frozen for a second while his hand sort of slid over her shoulder.
“My name’s Russell, it’s a pleasure to meet such a beautiful and endearing lady as yourself,” he said, capturing her hand with his other. Her knitting fell to the floor and was swallowed by the monster that lived under the kitchen table. “What’s your name?”
“Uh,” said Leah. She was a bit speechless. But then she remembered that she was supposed to be the sensible one and instead responded. “I’m Leah.” She took her hand away and vaguely mourned the loss of her giant sock.
“Beautiful,” said Russell, his other hand sliding down her back.
“I’ve got to go, uh, do my Time Travel homework!” she blurted, and ran upstairs to play the Sims. Russell looked after her, a little wounded.
“I don’t understand what went wrong,” Russell said.
“You did come on a bit strong,” said Noel, juggling some satsumas.
“Or not strong enough,” said Russell, turning on Sharmie.
“Hi,” he said, cupping her face with one hand. His grin felt like it was molesting her soul, and yet she could not look away. “I’m Russell, and if you’ll let me I will rock your world. I will take you on a thrashing sea of ecstasy and pleasure, taking you to the brink and back again, again and again until--”
“Help me,” squeaked Sharmie, shrinking away from Russell’s hands.
Just then, Paisley came in. She had just come in from Celebrity Politics and was about to grab something to eat before going to her Science of Wheat lab.
“Hi,” said Russell, suddenly excited by this new arrival. He boogied over to her, not knowing that he looked a bit deranged. “I’m Russell. I quite like the shape of your...” he floundered for something to flatter her that wasn’t too explicit, “...jaw...” he finished lamely.
“Uh, thanks?” said Paisley. “Please don’t touch me.” Russell pulled away and laughed, and then leaned in for a hug or a kiss or a vertical cuddle.
“Ha, ahhhhh.... Don’t ever touch me,” Paisley said, leaning away from his touch. He laughed nervously again, but didn’t reach out for her a third time. Instead he stared until she got uncomfortable and went to the fridge to get something to eat.
Left with no fresh prospects, as Noel had begun teaching Patrick Fish how to juggle satsumas, he returned to Sharmie, who was looking anxiously at the clock, and then back at Russell.
“Um,” she said awkwardly, trying to shuffle away from him. This caused her to slip in her chair a bit and he caught her and pulled her closer. “This is kind of like rape,” she said.
“Oh, I’m sure you don’t mind,” grinned Russell, looking a little bit terrifying. Just then, the doorbell rang.
“That’s Richard!” said Sharmie excitedly, trying to pull her hand from Russell’s. “I’ve got to get the door.”
“Let someone else do it, love, we’ve got such a good thing going here,” he replied. He was a bit like a spider who had caught a fly. This might have been because he started singing a strange song, whose lyrics included “I’ll give you Spider lovin’,” “I’m gonna suck your hair,” and “I’m gonna eat you like you was the fly.” Sharmie whimpered.
Luckily, Leah had paused her game of the Sims long enough to answer the door. Paisley never answered the door because the people on the other side always wanted to see Noel and she didn’t like it.
“... in the kitchen,” came Leah’s voice from the entry way. Richard Ayoade wandered into the kitchen, smiling a little. His smile faltered when he saw Russell physically keeping Sharmie in her chair.
“Um,” he began, but didn’t know what else to say. He settled for a quick, “Hi Sharmie.”
“Hi,” she said, looking frightened but also happy to see him. “Um, Russell please let me go. This is Richard. I like him. Quite a lot, actually.”
Russell considered not listening, but then he remembered he wasn’t a rapist and that there were two other girls in the house who he could charm, even though they seemed to be avoiding him. And Noel. Noel was pretty.
“Alright,” he said cheerfully, instead wandering off to bother Noel and Patrick Fish.
Sharmie got up and stood awkwardly in front of Richard, until she kind of pounced and hugged him around his middle.
“I’m glad you’re back,” she said happily.
“Thanks,” he replied, a little shy.
“Whose candy is this?” interrupted Paisley. It was an awkward moment, since Sharmie and Richard were kind of hugging still, but Paisley really wanted some candy.
“I dunno,” said Sharmie, sort of letting go of Richard. Mostly.
Paisley shrugged and went to eat a piece, when suddenly the candy started growing. It grew until it was so large it couldn’t fit in her mouth, and then she couldn’t hold it anymore it was too big. It sprouted legs and claws and a tail and some tiny fairy wings that couldn’t possibly be functional, but since somehow bees were able to fly they figured that it could too.
“Gulbluggghhh?” went Paisley, dropping the wrapper the candy was once in.
“I am CandyMandy!” twitched the neurotic sweet. “I will sugarcoat your soul!” It twitched some more and hovered above the table. Sharmie was afraid its wings would give out and it would destroy the nice table Leah had picked out.
The candy monster advanced on Sharmie and Paisley, and the girls cowered in fear.
“You won’t do anything of the sort!” said Richard, suddenly pulling a chainsaw out of his pocket.
Sharmie and Paisley gasped in awe. His chainsaw was huge, and to be truthful it turned them on a little.
“I will so,” said CandyMandy, with attitude.
“Will not,” said Richard.
“Will so,” said CandyMandy.
“Will not,” said Richard.
“Will so!” cried CandyMandy.
“Not while I’m around!” cried Richard, turning on his chainsaw. He began to cut the giant sweet in half.
“SELF-DEFENSE ENGAGE!” gurgled the sweet, twitching with fear and insanity. And then both the candy and Richard disappeared.
“That’s my boyfriend,” said Sharmie.
“Oh really?” said Paisley, eating her sandwich. “Cool.”
Just then, Noel ran out of his room, clad in underwear and a fashionable sleeveless top. And go go boots.
“Please stop touching me there,” cried Noel, running up the stairs.
“Just give it a chance!” replied Russell.
And so he did. But this was only in Paisley’s mind. In reality, they were in Noel’s room playing poker with Patrick Fish.
But the candy thing was all Russell’s fault. So Paisley and Sharmie kind of hated him, but not enough to not love him a little bit too.
THE END.