14: The Seance
Title: The Seance
Author: Leah
Rating: PG, I guess. I think this one has lessons that everyone should learn
Summary: Russell Brand is still bloody HERE. And bored. A seance ensues.
Notes: If the unlikely occurs and someone else from Guelph reads this, we don't hate South really. Probably.
“This evening is far more boring than I had earlier anticipated,” said Russell, leering a little at Paisley by accident. He honestly couldn’t help it.
“I’ve got an idea to make it more interesting,” said Sharmy and then wished she hadn’t as Russell turned his intense gaze on her and raised an eyebrow suggestively. “Um,” she stammered. “Um, let’s hold a séance.”
“What a stupid idea,” said Leah dismissively at the same time as Noel went, “I’ve got candles!” and disappeared into his room.
The roommates found themselves unable to rid themselves of Russell Brand. He did leave occasionally but every so often he would just turn up and stay until he got bored. Which didn’t take long, mostly, because he got really distracted if anyone ever turned the conversation to themselves. Nevertheless, he showed up all the time and this night was one such time.
“So how’re we going to do this?” asked Russell.
“We can’t,” said Leah. “Séances are all made-up stuff. Only really naïve people believe in them.”
“This is great!” said Noel, coming out of his room holding an armful of gothy black candles and a box of matches. “I bet we’re going to talk to loads of ghosts.”
“No-one’s answered my question yet,” complained Russell. “I know my huge personal presence can be overwhelming for some people but it would be nice sometimes if you could look beyond that and listen to what I’m saying, or in this case, putting forth as a question.”
“I don’t know,” said Sharmy. “I just suggested it.”
“Are we going to use a Ouija board?” asked Russell hopefully and he began to sing the song by Morrissey.
“I was thinking just a simple sort of contact the spirits thing,” said Paisley. She had been spending the last while stopping her mind from doing suggestive comments on Russell because a bit of her was worried he would overhear them somehow.
“Yeah,” said Sharmy.
“You’re all mad,” said Leah.
“Mad,” said Russell, “or simply more perceptive than the ordinary individual?”
“Mad,” reaffirmed Leah. Noel finished lighting the candles in a circle about the table, and beamed.
“There,” he said. “All set.”
Leah rolled her eyes. “Oh, whatever,” she said. She stood up and sprinkled a line of salt around them in a circle. “There. That’ll whatever, something, outside influences something.” She sat down again, daring someone to make a comment.
No-one did, so she said, “I read a lot of fantasy novels.”
“That’s for fairies, though, innit?” stated Russell. Leah folded her arms crossly.
“Don’t,” said Paisley. “We need to hold hands in a circle.”
So they all did. Noel kept giggling.
“Now what?” asked Paisley.
“I can’t think of anything to say,” said Sharmy.
“This is exciting!” said Noel.
“Let me do this,” said Russell. He raised his voice. “I’d like to extend cordial greetings to any spirits in the area, I think, and if any of you wouldn’t mind just sort of popping by for a little visit, we’d quite appreciate that, ta.” He grinned cheekily and added, “Thus I command thee, thou spirits and all that sort of rubbish.”
Everyone waited for 5 minutes and 57 seconds.
“I don’t think anything’s gon-” began Russell before his head went backwards abruptly and he made a bit of a wailing sound. “Ooohhh,” he said ethereally, “Who has called me from beyond?”
“Whoa!” said Sharmy.
Then Russell giggled a little and put his head back. “Sorry, I’m messing about,” he said. “I couldn’t resist it.”
“But your eyes are glowing,” said Noel. “How’d you manage that?” Russell blinked and looked slightly concerned.
“I’m not doing that part, actually,” he said. “I must really be possessed. It doesn’t feel like I am, though.”
“This is creepy-weird,” said Leah.
“Whoa,” said Paisley, secretly thinking to herself that he looked kind of sexier even with glowing eyes. But also more frightening.
“Can you try talking to the ghost inside you?” asked Sharmy.
“We’ll soon see,” said Russell. He closed his eyes for a bit, which was a relief to everyone sitting around the table. “Awright,” he said, his eyes still closed. “He says he’s not a ghost and he doesn’t know what’s gone wrong. And to shut up for a minute, Russell.” The last bit was said in a slightly different accent and an exasperated tone. “Hang on,” said Russell, opening his still-glowing eyes, “that last bit wasn’t me.”
“Of course it wasn’t, you twat,” said not-Russell.
“Don’t let it read your mind!” said Noel worriedly.
“I can’t read minds,” said not-Russell. “I’m not dead, I just said. I’m trapped between worlds. Russell invited me over and I fell into some sort of unearthly pit.”
“I invited you over?” asked Russell (which was a little weird as he was talking to himself) and then a look of understanding washed over his face. “Oh, hi,” he said cheerfully.
“Hang on,” said Paisley. “You invited someone else over to OUR house? We didn’t even invite YOU.”
“I’m not surprised,” said not-Russell. “Anyway, could you let me out of Russell’s head and get me out of the pit? I’m warning you, you might need rope. A lot of rope. A fiendish amount, actually. It’s very deep down.”
“I don’t know,” said Sharmy. “I’m tempted to leave you in there. You’re sort of an improvement on him.”
“Again,” said not-Russell as Russell looked a little offended, “I’m not surprised but don’t even joke about that! It’s appallingly perverse in here even when you can’t read minds.”
“I’ll get rope,” said Noel and ran through the protective circle to get to his room. All of the candles flickered and Russell yelled and collapsed forward onto the table.
“Are you all right?” asked Leah.
“Yes,” said Russell, straightening. His eyes were no longer glowing. “That hurt, though.”
“I don’t think that sexy bitch should have broken the protective circle,” said Paisley.
“Why don’t you call me that?” complained Russell. “I think I’m definitely equally or more deserving of that title.”
“Because you’re terrifying,” said Paisley.
“We should ask Russell’s friend if Richard is down there also,” said Sharmy hopefully. She was full of hope.
“All right, let’s go,” said Noel, trailing rope behind him as he exited his room.
Luckily, despite having not asked where the pit was, it turned out to be on the grass in front of the house. It was faintly glowing purple in the darkness. Noel tied one end of the rope to the stair’s banisters and started feeding the other end down the hole.
“Incoming!” he shouted down it.
“Thanks,” said a harried voice very quietly from the bottom, presumably. “I’ll remember to watch out for something about ten minutes from now.”
It actually only took about two minutes until Russell’s friend yelled up from the bottom that he’d been hit on the head by the rope. “I can’t climb,” he added unhappily.
“Oh, all right,” said Leah. “Hold on.” She began to try and haul the rope up. With the addition of Sharmy helping, it was surprisingly easy. A while later, the friend clambered desperately over the edge of the pit.
“Thank you,” he gasped. “You have no idea how horrible it was down there.”
“Was there anyone else down there?” asked Sharmy.
“Nothing but horrible demons,” said the friend.
“Oh,” said Sharmy, disappointed.
“This,” said Russell, clasping the rather small teen about his waist, “is my gay chum Simon Amstell.” Simon put a hand up to the mop of curls that was his hair and pushed a bit of it out of where it was sweatily flopping into his eyes.
“I told you not to call me that,” he said, sounding harassed. “Gay shouldn’t be a qualifier. Just ‘This is Simon Amstell’ would be completely fine.”
“Well, it’s too late, I’ve already introduced you,” said Russell. He turned back to the girls. “Simon is in his first year here at Guelph and he’s having a little trouble making friends so I thought I’d invite him here.”
“That’s awful,” said Noel. “Where do you live?”
“South,” said Simon.
“Oh,” said everyone, being very regionalist.
“The horrible bit is that somehow, someone found out that I was gay and they’ve been leaving awful messages on my door,” said Simon uncomfortably.
“I hate prejudice,” said Russell. “Why can’t everyone just love one another?”
“Yeah, prejudiced people suck,” said Paisley. “They’re all like that in South.” The irony of this was completely lost on everyone but Simon.
“Isn’t that just a bit prejudiced in itself?” asked Simon.
“What are you talking about?” asked Noel.
“Yeah,” said Leah. “South sucks.”
“I’m not going to deny that it feels a little bit like living in a prison,” admitted Simon, “but most people there are probably quite nice.”
“Look,” explained Sharmy carefully, understanding that Simon was a naïve first-year, “North res, which we are because of being there last year, is made up of open, loving, understanding people. South is full of bigots and prostitutes.”
“Oh, whatever,” said Simon giddily. “I don’t care. Think what you want. South’s a shithole! Do I fit in now?”
“Yes?” said Paisley.
“Hooray!” said Simon. “That’s always been my dearest wish.” Leah detected a hint of sarcasm but decided to invite Simon inside anyway.
“Where do you live in South?” she asked as everyone sat back around the table.
“Tundra in Mountain,” said Simon. This made sense to everyone there which proves that they went to the university. “According to the graffiti that was all over my door, everyone who lives there hates gays, which I find improbable, if only because I live there.”
“Aw, you’re welcome to come here any time you want,” said Sharmy and then realised that Noel and Russell had been quiet for an unlikely amount of time. This was due to them both still being outside investigating the hole and dropping things down it in interest.
“We were having a séance before you arrived,” said Paisley.
“I know,” said Simon. “I was sort of part of it.”
“Right, yeah,” said Paisley. “Do you want to be part of it now without getting inside Russell? Unless you want to, of course, in which case get on the table and make hot, sweaty passionate man-love to him right now.” But this last part was only in her mind.
“All right, might as well,” said Simon. Sharmy lit all the candles again while Leah renewed the salt. Then everyone looked at each other.
“Russell did the invocation last time,” said Leah. “Maybe I should go look up how to actually do this on the internet.”
“I could try,” suggested Simon. “After all, I was actually summoned last time.”
“Okay,” said Sharmy.
“Hello,” said Simon awkwardly. “This atmosphere ought to be creepy enough, right? If you’re a ghost and you want to talk to us then now would probably be a good time. Ow,” he said suddenly. “Stop it! That prickles dreadfully!” His entire body developed a slight, white glowing layer as well as his eyes, which were glowing quite strongly.
“This is really weird,” said Leah. “I didn’t think people were supposed to glow quite so much during a séance. Or at all. I thought that you just talked to ghosts.”
“That must be if you have an actual medium,” said Paisley.
“Leave this house,” came a voice that really wasn’t Simon’s from Simon’s mouth. “You are not permitted here.”
“Why?” asked Sharmy worriedly. She was worried. “What did we do?”
“Not you!” said not-Simon. “The body I currently inhabit.”
“Hang on,” said Simon. “Why not?”
“Your sort is not permitted here,” said not-Simon.
“My sort?!” squeaked Simon. “What, do you mean gays? Or jews?!”
“What?!” said not-Simon. “You’re also GAY?”
“Hey,” interrupted Paisley awkwardly, “who are you anyway?
“I am the spirit that guards this house,” said not-Simon. “I created the pit outside to trap this heathen but for some reason, you all let him out.”
“Our house is guarded by a racist spirit?” said Leah, sounding horrified.
“Actually,” said Paisley knowledgeably, “that’s not technically what ‘racist’ means-”
“Um, perhaps I’d better leave,” said Simon worriedly, standing up.
“Don’t even think about it!” snapped Sharmy.
“All right,” said Simon meekly, sitting back down in his chair.
“Hi!” said Noel cheerfully as he and Russell came in from outside. “What’re you lot doing?”
“Don’t come any closer!” said Leah. “We’re having another séance.”
“And this time there’s some sort of idiot spirit that guards this house that wants to get rid of Simon because he’s gay and Jewish,” said Sharmy angrily.
“What?” said Russell, sounding horrified. “That’s horrendous! I thought it would be safe to bring him here!”
“Apparently not,” said Paisley.
“Help?” said Simon. “Not to put you to any trouble, of course, but it is starting to BURN a little on the inside of my head.”
“As it should,” said not-Simon, smugly.
“Okay,” said Leah, “you’re not welcome here any more, spirit-thing. I mean, not only are you a complete dick but you’re not doing a very good job of guarding this house in the first place. We’ve had to be saved by Richard Ayoade twice! And my Time Travel professor says the universe ended at least once due to this house but we don’t remember it, what with time healing itself. Anyway, you’re clearly pointless.”
“Ha!” said not-Simon. “You haven’t the POWER to make me leave! But I have the power to make this heathen leave.”
“Ahhhh,” went Simon as the glow intensified.
“I’m not standing by and watching this,” said Russell furiously. He came over and kicked apart the protective circle. The glow burst forward dramatically from Simon’s eyes and streamed out into a glowing being standing on the table. Simon collapsed and Russell caught him.
“How’re we going to defeat this cunt?” asked Noel, running over.
“You could try love?” suggested Russell.
“That’s all you EVER suggest,” complained Sharmy. “Two days ago when the toilet got clogged, ‘Try love’ you said. When our Frisbee went on the roof: ‘Try love’.”
“This time I think it might actually work,” said Russell. “This creature thrives on hate, right?”
“This solution better not involve sex,” said Leah suspiciously.
“It better HAD,” corrected Paisley. But this was only in her mind.
“It doesn’t ALWAYS involve sex,” said Russell. “I find it injurious that you consider me in such a fashion. My ideas only MOSTLY involve sex. This one doesn’t. I’m just suggesting a very pure and genuine love that we could direct at this spirit through the power of our minds.”
“Right,” said Noel and started giving the being the same flirty look he used on most people accidentally. Russell laid Simon’s unconscious body carefully onto the floor while the girls started to concentrate at the glowy thing, which had been growing slowly and looking angry while they talked. Their concentration didn’t seem to be doing much, really. It stopped growing but that was about it. Then, Russell turned around and added his efforts. Something went ‘FOOM’ and another glowing being appeared.
“I am the spirit of North,” it said. “Who has summoned me?”
“Hullo,” said Russell and waggled his fingers in greeting.
“This spirit of our house is trying to kick out our guest for racist reasons,” said Leah.
“Valiant Northerners, I shall not fail you,” said the Spirit of North. It flew at the other spirit and began to grapple with it. However, the spirit of the roommates’ house appeared to be quite strong with hate and the fight was fairly evenly matched.
On the floor, Simon woke up blearily and his eyes went wide at the sight of the spiritual fight. “What’s going on?” he asked.
Sharmy came over to him from watching the fight. “I’m glad you’re all right. We summoned the spirit of North to help us but it doesn’t seem to be strong enough. It’s horrible. Um, I’d better go back and support North with love or something.”
As she went back to watch, Simon blinked and felt a little worried. If the Spirit of North lost, he was pretty much doomed. Subconciously, he too began to concentrate, and the highly suggestive air of the townhouse at that point was all it took. A slightly grubbier spirit appeared beside the fight. Everyone looked a little confused.
“I am the Spirit of South,” said the spirit. “Who has summoned me?”
“Me,” said Simon, climbing unsteadily to his feet. “I think. Um, the spirit that North is fighting with right now is trying to get rid of me because I’m Jewish and gay.”
“What?” said the Spirit of South. “No-one does that to my people!” It flung itself at the townhouse spirit and was able to defeat it with the Spirit of North. The townhouse spirit wailed, and dissolved into the air.
“We have rid you of your plague,” said the Spirit of North.
“Call on us again if you have need,” said the Spirit of South and coughed a little before they both vanished.
“Thank goodness,” said Leah.
“Well, I think we’ve learned something about misconceptions in that little venture,” said Simon.
“Yeah,” said Paisley. “The Spirit of South is kind of nice. But everyone in South still sucks. And it’s still ugly.”
“Um…” said Simon, “close enough.”
THE END
Author: Leah
Rating: PG, I guess. I think this one has lessons that everyone should learn
Summary: Russell Brand is still bloody HERE. And bored. A seance ensues.
Notes: If the unlikely occurs and someone else from Guelph reads this, we don't hate South really. Probably.
“This evening is far more boring than I had earlier anticipated,” said Russell, leering a little at Paisley by accident. He honestly couldn’t help it.
“I’ve got an idea to make it more interesting,” said Sharmy and then wished she hadn’t as Russell turned his intense gaze on her and raised an eyebrow suggestively. “Um,” she stammered. “Um, let’s hold a séance.”
“What a stupid idea,” said Leah dismissively at the same time as Noel went, “I’ve got candles!” and disappeared into his room.
The roommates found themselves unable to rid themselves of Russell Brand. He did leave occasionally but every so often he would just turn up and stay until he got bored. Which didn’t take long, mostly, because he got really distracted if anyone ever turned the conversation to themselves. Nevertheless, he showed up all the time and this night was one such time.
“So how’re we going to do this?” asked Russell.
“We can’t,” said Leah. “Séances are all made-up stuff. Only really naïve people believe in them.”
“This is great!” said Noel, coming out of his room holding an armful of gothy black candles and a box of matches. “I bet we’re going to talk to loads of ghosts.”
“No-one’s answered my question yet,” complained Russell. “I know my huge personal presence can be overwhelming for some people but it would be nice sometimes if you could look beyond that and listen to what I’m saying, or in this case, putting forth as a question.”
“I don’t know,” said Sharmy. “I just suggested it.”
“Are we going to use a Ouija board?” asked Russell hopefully and he began to sing the song by Morrissey.
“I was thinking just a simple sort of contact the spirits thing,” said Paisley. She had been spending the last while stopping her mind from doing suggestive comments on Russell because a bit of her was worried he would overhear them somehow.
“Yeah,” said Sharmy.
“You’re all mad,” said Leah.
“Mad,” said Russell, “or simply more perceptive than the ordinary individual?”
“Mad,” reaffirmed Leah. Noel finished lighting the candles in a circle about the table, and beamed.
“There,” he said. “All set.”
Leah rolled her eyes. “Oh, whatever,” she said. She stood up and sprinkled a line of salt around them in a circle. “There. That’ll whatever, something, outside influences something.” She sat down again, daring someone to make a comment.
No-one did, so she said, “I read a lot of fantasy novels.”
“That’s for fairies, though, innit?” stated Russell. Leah folded her arms crossly.
“Don’t,” said Paisley. “We need to hold hands in a circle.”
So they all did. Noel kept giggling.
“Now what?” asked Paisley.
“I can’t think of anything to say,” said Sharmy.
“This is exciting!” said Noel.
“Let me do this,” said Russell. He raised his voice. “I’d like to extend cordial greetings to any spirits in the area, I think, and if any of you wouldn’t mind just sort of popping by for a little visit, we’d quite appreciate that, ta.” He grinned cheekily and added, “Thus I command thee, thou spirits and all that sort of rubbish.”
Everyone waited for 5 minutes and 57 seconds.
“I don’t think anything’s gon-” began Russell before his head went backwards abruptly and he made a bit of a wailing sound. “Ooohhh,” he said ethereally, “Who has called me from beyond?”
“Whoa!” said Sharmy.
Then Russell giggled a little and put his head back. “Sorry, I’m messing about,” he said. “I couldn’t resist it.”
“But your eyes are glowing,” said Noel. “How’d you manage that?” Russell blinked and looked slightly concerned.
“I’m not doing that part, actually,” he said. “I must really be possessed. It doesn’t feel like I am, though.”
“This is creepy-weird,” said Leah.
“Whoa,” said Paisley, secretly thinking to herself that he looked kind of sexier even with glowing eyes. But also more frightening.
“Can you try talking to the ghost inside you?” asked Sharmy.
“We’ll soon see,” said Russell. He closed his eyes for a bit, which was a relief to everyone sitting around the table. “Awright,” he said, his eyes still closed. “He says he’s not a ghost and he doesn’t know what’s gone wrong. And to shut up for a minute, Russell.” The last bit was said in a slightly different accent and an exasperated tone. “Hang on,” said Russell, opening his still-glowing eyes, “that last bit wasn’t me.”
“Of course it wasn’t, you twat,” said not-Russell.
“Don’t let it read your mind!” said Noel worriedly.
“I can’t read minds,” said not-Russell. “I’m not dead, I just said. I’m trapped between worlds. Russell invited me over and I fell into some sort of unearthly pit.”
“I invited you over?” asked Russell (which was a little weird as he was talking to himself) and then a look of understanding washed over his face. “Oh, hi,” he said cheerfully.
“Hang on,” said Paisley. “You invited someone else over to OUR house? We didn’t even invite YOU.”
“I’m not surprised,” said not-Russell. “Anyway, could you let me out of Russell’s head and get me out of the pit? I’m warning you, you might need rope. A lot of rope. A fiendish amount, actually. It’s very deep down.”
“I don’t know,” said Sharmy. “I’m tempted to leave you in there. You’re sort of an improvement on him.”
“Again,” said not-Russell as Russell looked a little offended, “I’m not surprised but don’t even joke about that! It’s appallingly perverse in here even when you can’t read minds.”
“I’ll get rope,” said Noel and ran through the protective circle to get to his room. All of the candles flickered and Russell yelled and collapsed forward onto the table.
“Are you all right?” asked Leah.
“Yes,” said Russell, straightening. His eyes were no longer glowing. “That hurt, though.”
“I don’t think that sexy bitch should have broken the protective circle,” said Paisley.
“Why don’t you call me that?” complained Russell. “I think I’m definitely equally or more deserving of that title.”
“Because you’re terrifying,” said Paisley.
“We should ask Russell’s friend if Richard is down there also,” said Sharmy hopefully. She was full of hope.
“All right, let’s go,” said Noel, trailing rope behind him as he exited his room.
Luckily, despite having not asked where the pit was, it turned out to be on the grass in front of the house. It was faintly glowing purple in the darkness. Noel tied one end of the rope to the stair’s banisters and started feeding the other end down the hole.
“Incoming!” he shouted down it.
“Thanks,” said a harried voice very quietly from the bottom, presumably. “I’ll remember to watch out for something about ten minutes from now.”
It actually only took about two minutes until Russell’s friend yelled up from the bottom that he’d been hit on the head by the rope. “I can’t climb,” he added unhappily.
“Oh, all right,” said Leah. “Hold on.” She began to try and haul the rope up. With the addition of Sharmy helping, it was surprisingly easy. A while later, the friend clambered desperately over the edge of the pit.
“Thank you,” he gasped. “You have no idea how horrible it was down there.”
“Was there anyone else down there?” asked Sharmy.
“Nothing but horrible demons,” said the friend.
“Oh,” said Sharmy, disappointed.
“This,” said Russell, clasping the rather small teen about his waist, “is my gay chum Simon Amstell.” Simon put a hand up to the mop of curls that was his hair and pushed a bit of it out of where it was sweatily flopping into his eyes.
“I told you not to call me that,” he said, sounding harassed. “Gay shouldn’t be a qualifier. Just ‘This is Simon Amstell’ would be completely fine.”
“Well, it’s too late, I’ve already introduced you,” said Russell. He turned back to the girls. “Simon is in his first year here at Guelph and he’s having a little trouble making friends so I thought I’d invite him here.”
“That’s awful,” said Noel. “Where do you live?”
“South,” said Simon.
“Oh,” said everyone, being very regionalist.
“The horrible bit is that somehow, someone found out that I was gay and they’ve been leaving awful messages on my door,” said Simon uncomfortably.
“I hate prejudice,” said Russell. “Why can’t everyone just love one another?”
“Yeah, prejudiced people suck,” said Paisley. “They’re all like that in South.” The irony of this was completely lost on everyone but Simon.
“Isn’t that just a bit prejudiced in itself?” asked Simon.
“What are you talking about?” asked Noel.
“Yeah,” said Leah. “South sucks.”
“I’m not going to deny that it feels a little bit like living in a prison,” admitted Simon, “but most people there are probably quite nice.”
“Look,” explained Sharmy carefully, understanding that Simon was a naïve first-year, “North res, which we are because of being there last year, is made up of open, loving, understanding people. South is full of bigots and prostitutes.”
“Oh, whatever,” said Simon giddily. “I don’t care. Think what you want. South’s a shithole! Do I fit in now?”
“Yes?” said Paisley.
“Hooray!” said Simon. “That’s always been my dearest wish.” Leah detected a hint of sarcasm but decided to invite Simon inside anyway.
“Where do you live in South?” she asked as everyone sat back around the table.
“Tundra in Mountain,” said Simon. This made sense to everyone there which proves that they went to the university. “According to the graffiti that was all over my door, everyone who lives there hates gays, which I find improbable, if only because I live there.”
“Aw, you’re welcome to come here any time you want,” said Sharmy and then realised that Noel and Russell had been quiet for an unlikely amount of time. This was due to them both still being outside investigating the hole and dropping things down it in interest.
“We were having a séance before you arrived,” said Paisley.
“I know,” said Simon. “I was sort of part of it.”
“Right, yeah,” said Paisley. “Do you want to be part of it now without getting inside Russell? Unless you want to, of course, in which case get on the table and make hot, sweaty passionate man-love to him right now.” But this last part was only in her mind.
“All right, might as well,” said Simon. Sharmy lit all the candles again while Leah renewed the salt. Then everyone looked at each other.
“Russell did the invocation last time,” said Leah. “Maybe I should go look up how to actually do this on the internet.”
“I could try,” suggested Simon. “After all, I was actually summoned last time.”
“Okay,” said Sharmy.
“Hello,” said Simon awkwardly. “This atmosphere ought to be creepy enough, right? If you’re a ghost and you want to talk to us then now would probably be a good time. Ow,” he said suddenly. “Stop it! That prickles dreadfully!” His entire body developed a slight, white glowing layer as well as his eyes, which were glowing quite strongly.
“This is really weird,” said Leah. “I didn’t think people were supposed to glow quite so much during a séance. Or at all. I thought that you just talked to ghosts.”
“That must be if you have an actual medium,” said Paisley.
“Leave this house,” came a voice that really wasn’t Simon’s from Simon’s mouth. “You are not permitted here.”
“Why?” asked Sharmy worriedly. She was worried. “What did we do?”
“Not you!” said not-Simon. “The body I currently inhabit.”
“Hang on,” said Simon. “Why not?”
“Your sort is not permitted here,” said not-Simon.
“My sort?!” squeaked Simon. “What, do you mean gays? Or jews?!”
“What?!” said not-Simon. “You’re also GAY?”
“Hey,” interrupted Paisley awkwardly, “who are you anyway?
“I am the spirit that guards this house,” said not-Simon. “I created the pit outside to trap this heathen but for some reason, you all let him out.”
“Our house is guarded by a racist spirit?” said Leah, sounding horrified.
“Actually,” said Paisley knowledgeably, “that’s not technically what ‘racist’ means-”
“Um, perhaps I’d better leave,” said Simon worriedly, standing up.
“Don’t even think about it!” snapped Sharmy.
“All right,” said Simon meekly, sitting back down in his chair.
“Hi!” said Noel cheerfully as he and Russell came in from outside. “What’re you lot doing?”
“Don’t come any closer!” said Leah. “We’re having another séance.”
“And this time there’s some sort of idiot spirit that guards this house that wants to get rid of Simon because he’s gay and Jewish,” said Sharmy angrily.
“What?” said Russell, sounding horrified. “That’s horrendous! I thought it would be safe to bring him here!”
“Apparently not,” said Paisley.
“Help?” said Simon. “Not to put you to any trouble, of course, but it is starting to BURN a little on the inside of my head.”
“As it should,” said not-Simon, smugly.
“Okay,” said Leah, “you’re not welcome here any more, spirit-thing. I mean, not only are you a complete dick but you’re not doing a very good job of guarding this house in the first place. We’ve had to be saved by Richard Ayoade twice! And my Time Travel professor says the universe ended at least once due to this house but we don’t remember it, what with time healing itself. Anyway, you’re clearly pointless.”
“Ha!” said not-Simon. “You haven’t the POWER to make me leave! But I have the power to make this heathen leave.”
“Ahhhh,” went Simon as the glow intensified.
“I’m not standing by and watching this,” said Russell furiously. He came over and kicked apart the protective circle. The glow burst forward dramatically from Simon’s eyes and streamed out into a glowing being standing on the table. Simon collapsed and Russell caught him.
“How’re we going to defeat this cunt?” asked Noel, running over.
“You could try love?” suggested Russell.
“That’s all you EVER suggest,” complained Sharmy. “Two days ago when the toilet got clogged, ‘Try love’ you said. When our Frisbee went on the roof: ‘Try love’.”
“This time I think it might actually work,” said Russell. “This creature thrives on hate, right?”
“This solution better not involve sex,” said Leah suspiciously.
“It better HAD,” corrected Paisley. But this was only in her mind.
“It doesn’t ALWAYS involve sex,” said Russell. “I find it injurious that you consider me in such a fashion. My ideas only MOSTLY involve sex. This one doesn’t. I’m just suggesting a very pure and genuine love that we could direct at this spirit through the power of our minds.”
“Right,” said Noel and started giving the being the same flirty look he used on most people accidentally. Russell laid Simon’s unconscious body carefully onto the floor while the girls started to concentrate at the glowy thing, which had been growing slowly and looking angry while they talked. Their concentration didn’t seem to be doing much, really. It stopped growing but that was about it. Then, Russell turned around and added his efforts. Something went ‘FOOM’ and another glowing being appeared.
“I am the spirit of North,” it said. “Who has summoned me?”
“Hullo,” said Russell and waggled his fingers in greeting.
“This spirit of our house is trying to kick out our guest for racist reasons,” said Leah.
“Valiant Northerners, I shall not fail you,” said the Spirit of North. It flew at the other spirit and began to grapple with it. However, the spirit of the roommates’ house appeared to be quite strong with hate and the fight was fairly evenly matched.
On the floor, Simon woke up blearily and his eyes went wide at the sight of the spiritual fight. “What’s going on?” he asked.
Sharmy came over to him from watching the fight. “I’m glad you’re all right. We summoned the spirit of North to help us but it doesn’t seem to be strong enough. It’s horrible. Um, I’d better go back and support North with love or something.”
As she went back to watch, Simon blinked and felt a little worried. If the Spirit of North lost, he was pretty much doomed. Subconciously, he too began to concentrate, and the highly suggestive air of the townhouse at that point was all it took. A slightly grubbier spirit appeared beside the fight. Everyone looked a little confused.
“I am the Spirit of South,” said the spirit. “Who has summoned me?”
“Me,” said Simon, climbing unsteadily to his feet. “I think. Um, the spirit that North is fighting with right now is trying to get rid of me because I’m Jewish and gay.”
“What?” said the Spirit of South. “No-one does that to my people!” It flung itself at the townhouse spirit and was able to defeat it with the Spirit of North. The townhouse spirit wailed, and dissolved into the air.
“We have rid you of your plague,” said the Spirit of North.
“Call on us again if you have need,” said the Spirit of South and coughed a little before they both vanished.
“Thank goodness,” said Leah.
“Well, I think we’ve learned something about misconceptions in that little venture,” said Simon.
“Yeah,” said Paisley. “The Spirit of South is kind of nice. But everyone in South still sucks. And it’s still ugly.”
“Um…” said Simon, “close enough.”
THE END