Face Yourself
Huh. Livejournal is still around. And apparently really popular in Russia. Who would have figured?
The days of using this, Xanga, Teen Open Diary and Open Diary, forums...it's like it was multiple lifetimes ago. Life is a lot different than it was then, and since the last time I updated in 2012. Those days are out of reach. Those people are out of reach. All I have are whatever conversations, pictures, etc. that I've saved. No one knew anyone's full name back then, or possibly even what they looked like. The people that I relied on to pour my feelings out to while I was too insecure to be honest around those close in proximity to me. Long ago did I mourn the death of those relationships through rust and decay.
So why am I here? Tonight and the night before feel like those many, many nights I spent as a teenager and in my early 20s before leaving Michigan. Sleepless nights, filled with anxiety. Memories of ghosts out of reach flooding back in. It's completely senseless now. There's no point in any of it.
I've been ill in various ways for about a month. First, it was repeated colds, or allergies, maybe bronchitis. I don't know, I have no insurance at the moment, so I didn't go to a doctor. I kept having coughing fits and getting insta-kill migraines. I couldn't sleep until 8 or 9 in the morning for several weeks, so I missed several weeks of classes. Then, I had about a week of slowly decreasing stomach pain, severe at first. I've since concluded I may now be lactose intolerant, which I apparently became right before our "Margaritas and Mozzarella Sticks" party. Several nights ago, I tried to pull an all-nighter to reset my sleep schedule. I failed, and napped most of the day. Then last night, I only was able to sleep for about 20 minutes. I felt so incredibly warm. I get warm easily, but I was very, very uncomfortably warm. Mostly my ears, face, and upper chest. The same feeling I still have. Will tonight be another sleepless night?
I'm not as alone as I felt last time I updated. However, I seem to be alone-ish in my darkest hours, and don't will myself to talk to literally anyone. I'm sure someone is on Steam or PS4 or Discord or something. Seems I'm riding this shit out solo though.
I played through pretty much the entirety of Persona 4 Golden while being sick in bed for several weeks. It's now my favorite game. The themes of the game - of facing your "Shadow", the fears and unsavory feelings of your unconscious, and of friendship, have stuck with me. I've always been a loner emotionally. In Medford, I had a very special group of friends. In fact, I still visit them about once a month. Here in Portland, it took a couple years, but I have a great group here now. I face my problems alone, however.
I feel like I am missing something...I've certainly been regressing lately. I didn't spend that much time playing video games in bed and not working since I was a teenager. I figured things would be back to normal once I was better. I had to drop my classes this term, but that's okay. I'll regroup and try next time. And yet...I'm still not fully better. Things keep coming up. At this point, it must be me causing it somehow. I felt like my mind was clear, but it seems to be covered in fog, as someone on Prosebox suggested. I'd gladly face my Shadow, if I could find it. I want to be better. I want to be strong, and work, and get back to exercising. I want to be social outside of bar trivia, which I somehow always am able to make it to.
So I've been stuck in the past, digging up old scabs once more while I suffer physically. Otherwise, things are better.
I moved to Portland from Medford in 2014 for more opportunities. It was hard leaving friends behind. I moved with a couple, and the male of them was a very shitty roommate. Our friendship dissolved because of the tension. He cheated on the other half of the couple with one of our co-workers at the time. They're still together. Our friendship eventually repaired, though it took a long time. I still live with the other roommate, she's awesome.
There were almost relationships here and there in Medford. All failing because of me, because of whatever bullshit I was feeling at the time. I was cowardly, if I truly wasn't interested in a relationship, I never said anything. Things faded and affection silently became replaced by scorn. Then nothing for quite a while. Then, bizarrely through happenstance, I decided to pursue a co-worker once in Portland. She was married at the time, but it was very obviously a dead marriage and she was unhappy. We hooked up a couple times, she freaked out. After a couple weeks she came back. After three months of being basically exclusive affectionate FWBs, we dated for a few months. I believe we really did love each other at the time. However, it was all kept secret since we worked together, and I eventually became her supervisor. She was leaving soon to go to a full-time school program, and I very rarely interacted with her area of work, but I still was cowardly. She is certainly an alcoholic, which caused friction early on...one night while a few co-workers were out at the bar, a donor hit on her(we all worked at a plasma donation company), and she decided to go home with him. I don't know if anything happened, but based on how she started acting soon thereafter, I am sure that she cheated on me with him. She never apologized. Things soon faded out.
I was very hurt, I had never suffered that kind of betrayal before. Between that, the falling out with the shitty roommate, and basically all the co-workers I hung out with outside of work kind of turning a cold shoulder to me(probably because I got promoted), Portland seemed very lonely. Somehow, I turned it into a positive. I lost 20 pounds exercising regularly, and practiced bass more than any time before or since. I was able to put my pain into exercise and music cathartically. I decided it wasn't good to hold onto the poison that had been accumulating in me for years. I forgave Mayumi, my ex, the shitty rooomate, and others I'd had grudges against. It was nice. I was still in love with her, but she definitely changed. Anyway, I had a minor rebirth, but I have struggled since, especially recently.
I quit my job last summer to do Lyft driving. I've also been in school and taking out extra loans so I don't have to work as much. It was a bold move, but I was miserable at work, as was everyone else. We were understaffed constantly. I was a supervisor, but spent practically all of my time in one area of production. The donors became frustrated and shitty to us. I had no pride in being a phlebotomist anyway, it was just a way to pay the bills. Lyft driving is unstable, but fun. People are ALWAYS nice. Like, not a single asshole so far. It seems like there are a ton of drivers these days, though I usually do okay. I prefer to drive at night, though it varies.
I've struggled since quitting my job. I think it was the lack of structure. I can work any time...or not at all. I didn't really work a lot the rest of the year. I became depressed, and just wouldn't do anything. My car has also had quite a few problems. It is le shitty. I'm hopefully getting a better one soon. I got a significant tax return this year, which was fortunate, since I've barely worked for about a month while being ill.
I seem to be in stasis. I'm ready to break free. I turned 30 a couple months ago. I feel my age, but there's still time to achieve what I want out of life. Things otherwise are good here. Portland is expensive, but there's always something to do. I've seen quite a few concerts and stand-up shows since moving here. I have a great, ridiculous group of friends. I still go see the other ones, and I can do it whenever I want. My motivation with doing homework has been a problem recently...not really anything new. Dating has been hit or miss. I've hooked up with a few women off of Tinder or craigslist, but that's been about it. I have definitely not been as great at sex as before, so I wonder if that was it...Mayumi and I had pretty much flawless chemistry. As it turns out though, there aren't a lot of small Japanese women ten years my senior around here. I had given in to "dating in 2017", just expecting to fuck on the first date to show my interest. It doesn't work either. After playing through Persona 4 and regressing, I feel closer to how I did as a teenager. I just want to date someone nice, and get to know them before jumping their bones. I guess I did try that a few months ago with Xylia. We talked constantly texting late into the night for about a month before meeting up. After one awkward-ish hangout, she ghosted. I told her I didn't mind that she didn't really want to do anything, but she didn't seem to believe me. Sad. She really was great, even if a little abrasive and strict. It gave me a sliver of hope that I could find something, somehow, the old-fashioned way.
I know there's more that I can get out of this town. It's up to me to face my weaknesses and obliterate them, or at least make peace with them and acknowledge their existence.
I don't think anyone's left that I used to know here, unless Laura still updates. If you are still around, hi! I hope things are going well. Otherwise...maybe I'll update again in a few years.
The days of using this, Xanga, Teen Open Diary and Open Diary, forums...it's like it was multiple lifetimes ago. Life is a lot different than it was then, and since the last time I updated in 2012. Those days are out of reach. Those people are out of reach. All I have are whatever conversations, pictures, etc. that I've saved. No one knew anyone's full name back then, or possibly even what they looked like. The people that I relied on to pour my feelings out to while I was too insecure to be honest around those close in proximity to me. Long ago did I mourn the death of those relationships through rust and decay.
So why am I here? Tonight and the night before feel like those many, many nights I spent as a teenager and in my early 20s before leaving Michigan. Sleepless nights, filled with anxiety. Memories of ghosts out of reach flooding back in. It's completely senseless now. There's no point in any of it.
I've been ill in various ways for about a month. First, it was repeated colds, or allergies, maybe bronchitis. I don't know, I have no insurance at the moment, so I didn't go to a doctor. I kept having coughing fits and getting insta-kill migraines. I couldn't sleep until 8 or 9 in the morning for several weeks, so I missed several weeks of classes. Then, I had about a week of slowly decreasing stomach pain, severe at first. I've since concluded I may now be lactose intolerant, which I apparently became right before our "Margaritas and Mozzarella Sticks" party. Several nights ago, I tried to pull an all-nighter to reset my sleep schedule. I failed, and napped most of the day. Then last night, I only was able to sleep for about 20 minutes. I felt so incredibly warm. I get warm easily, but I was very, very uncomfortably warm. Mostly my ears, face, and upper chest. The same feeling I still have. Will tonight be another sleepless night?
I'm not as alone as I felt last time I updated. However, I seem to be alone-ish in my darkest hours, and don't will myself to talk to literally anyone. I'm sure someone is on Steam or PS4 or Discord or something. Seems I'm riding this shit out solo though.
I played through pretty much the entirety of Persona 4 Golden while being sick in bed for several weeks. It's now my favorite game. The themes of the game - of facing your "Shadow", the fears and unsavory feelings of your unconscious, and of friendship, have stuck with me. I've always been a loner emotionally. In Medford, I had a very special group of friends. In fact, I still visit them about once a month. Here in Portland, it took a couple years, but I have a great group here now. I face my problems alone, however.
I feel like I am missing something...I've certainly been regressing lately. I didn't spend that much time playing video games in bed and not working since I was a teenager. I figured things would be back to normal once I was better. I had to drop my classes this term, but that's okay. I'll regroup and try next time. And yet...I'm still not fully better. Things keep coming up. At this point, it must be me causing it somehow. I felt like my mind was clear, but it seems to be covered in fog, as someone on Prosebox suggested. I'd gladly face my Shadow, if I could find it. I want to be better. I want to be strong, and work, and get back to exercising. I want to be social outside of bar trivia, which I somehow always am able to make it to.
So I've been stuck in the past, digging up old scabs once more while I suffer physically. Otherwise, things are better.
I moved to Portland from Medford in 2014 for more opportunities. It was hard leaving friends behind. I moved with a couple, and the male of them was a very shitty roommate. Our friendship dissolved because of the tension. He cheated on the other half of the couple with one of our co-workers at the time. They're still together. Our friendship eventually repaired, though it took a long time. I still live with the other roommate, she's awesome.
There were almost relationships here and there in Medford. All failing because of me, because of whatever bullshit I was feeling at the time. I was cowardly, if I truly wasn't interested in a relationship, I never said anything. Things faded and affection silently became replaced by scorn. Then nothing for quite a while. Then, bizarrely through happenstance, I decided to pursue a co-worker once in Portland. She was married at the time, but it was very obviously a dead marriage and she was unhappy. We hooked up a couple times, she freaked out. After a couple weeks she came back. After three months of being basically exclusive affectionate FWBs, we dated for a few months. I believe we really did love each other at the time. However, it was all kept secret since we worked together, and I eventually became her supervisor. She was leaving soon to go to a full-time school program, and I very rarely interacted with her area of work, but I still was cowardly. She is certainly an alcoholic, which caused friction early on...one night while a few co-workers were out at the bar, a donor hit on her(we all worked at a plasma donation company), and she decided to go home with him. I don't know if anything happened, but based on how she started acting soon thereafter, I am sure that she cheated on me with him. She never apologized. Things soon faded out.
I was very hurt, I had never suffered that kind of betrayal before. Between that, the falling out with the shitty roommate, and basically all the co-workers I hung out with outside of work kind of turning a cold shoulder to me(probably because I got promoted), Portland seemed very lonely. Somehow, I turned it into a positive. I lost 20 pounds exercising regularly, and practiced bass more than any time before or since. I was able to put my pain into exercise and music cathartically. I decided it wasn't good to hold onto the poison that had been accumulating in me for years. I forgave Mayumi, my ex, the shitty rooomate, and others I'd had grudges against. It was nice. I was still in love with her, but she definitely changed. Anyway, I had a minor rebirth, but I have struggled since, especially recently.
I quit my job last summer to do Lyft driving. I've also been in school and taking out extra loans so I don't have to work as much. It was a bold move, but I was miserable at work, as was everyone else. We were understaffed constantly. I was a supervisor, but spent practically all of my time in one area of production. The donors became frustrated and shitty to us. I had no pride in being a phlebotomist anyway, it was just a way to pay the bills. Lyft driving is unstable, but fun. People are ALWAYS nice. Like, not a single asshole so far. It seems like there are a ton of drivers these days, though I usually do okay. I prefer to drive at night, though it varies.
I've struggled since quitting my job. I think it was the lack of structure. I can work any time...or not at all. I didn't really work a lot the rest of the year. I became depressed, and just wouldn't do anything. My car has also had quite a few problems. It is le shitty. I'm hopefully getting a better one soon. I got a significant tax return this year, which was fortunate, since I've barely worked for about a month while being ill.
I seem to be in stasis. I'm ready to break free. I turned 30 a couple months ago. I feel my age, but there's still time to achieve what I want out of life. Things otherwise are good here. Portland is expensive, but there's always something to do. I've seen quite a few concerts and stand-up shows since moving here. I have a great, ridiculous group of friends. I still go see the other ones, and I can do it whenever I want. My motivation with doing homework has been a problem recently...not really anything new. Dating has been hit or miss. I've hooked up with a few women off of Tinder or craigslist, but that's been about it. I have definitely not been as great at sex as before, so I wonder if that was it...Mayumi and I had pretty much flawless chemistry. As it turns out though, there aren't a lot of small Japanese women ten years my senior around here. I had given in to "dating in 2017", just expecting to fuck on the first date to show my interest. It doesn't work either. After playing through Persona 4 and regressing, I feel closer to how I did as a teenager. I just want to date someone nice, and get to know them before jumping their bones. I guess I did try that a few months ago with Xylia. We talked constantly texting late into the night for about a month before meeting up. After one awkward-ish hangout, she ghosted. I told her I didn't mind that she didn't really want to do anything, but she didn't seem to believe me. Sad. She really was great, even if a little abrasive and strict. It gave me a sliver of hope that I could find something, somehow, the old-fashioned way.
I know there's more that I can get out of this town. It's up to me to face my weaknesses and obliterate them, or at least make peace with them and acknowledge their existence.
I don't think anyone's left that I used to know here, unless Laura still updates. If you are still around, hi! I hope things are going well. Otherwise...maybe I'll update again in a few years.