Fade Away Again
Well, I'm still here. I was supposed to move to Portland with a friend in July to fulfill a dream of ten years and start a band. Then it was going to be June. Then it didn't happen at all, and he backed out. I was mad, quite mad. I got over it. I made due to the best of my ability. I got promoted, more or less, twice at work. I still don't make a lot on the whole but I make several raises more than before, as a full-time phlebotomist. I don't know if I'm spelling that correctly, but it's a weird word, and the internet doesn't know how to spell it either.
Everything ended when that goal did. The dream died. I haven't found a new one yet. I've had motivation, and lost it. I've had many struggles and inconveniences. I'm extremely broke at the moment, due to a deposit on the new car I got. Well, basically new, it's a 2011 Chevy Aveo. The old car was not fixable, at least not at a reasonable price. I haven't gotten rid of it yet. With transportation available once again, I've tentatively started stepping back out into the dating field. I started getting to know an old acquaintance that I never asked out before due to the lack of car. Things went ridiculously well the first week, then cooled off. Nothing is declared yet, but I've been here before. When someone isn't making the effort they used to make, even with a busy schedule and other things considered, it's time to move on. So that's basically what I've done, though I will still make the effort to go on more dates for a week or two. No more holding back on talking to anyone else for her sake.
I'm back in school next month. No idea what my major will be, the goal is simply to get through community college and to the local university. Maybe I'll find answers there. That's what I need, answers. Ones I find myself. Through everything I remain alone, and independent. People come and go. My group of friends has decayed and is its final stages of being. People talk badly about each other behind their backs. The formalities they go through for the sake of appearance are lessening. It's almost over. Maybe it's for the best. Perhaps we all are that different.
I've been pretty depressed lately, I am starting to dip out of it. It's essential to, as it's affected me at work. Survival comes before happiness. I feel so...empty. Like many times before. Life is stale. No longer am I constantly changing jobs or locations. I need something new. I've come to be pretty good at adapting to change. I think I almost depend on it, crave it a little. I was hoping finding someone to date would be that new thing, but it's difficult. The only people who stay attracted are the ones I don't want to date. I've been sticking to dating sites mostly, dabbling in the dating scene at work seems like a last resort. I'm not the cliche everyone online seems to be looking for. I'm not a country boy, I don't listen to country music, I'm not in the military, I'm not tall, and I don't have tattoos. I do have lots of other qualities, much better ones, but it's all about perception and appearance. Then again, maybe I am good at that. It often seems easy to worm my way into someone's heart, and difficult to be able to stay there. Shouldn't it be the other way around?
The end of the year is almost here. And civilization, if you're superstitious. I am feeling like being alone, but if there is to be a New Year's party, I have to organize it. I'm the only one who bothers to organize anything. It will most likely be the last hurrah for the group as I know it. Sometimes I regret moving back from Arizona a couple years ago. A large part of it was due to these people, well the ones I knew at the time, more have joined since then. I wasn't happy there, but if I had stayed, and dealt with the lack of sleep, heat, and graveyard shifts at work, I'd be through recording school by now. Instead, I am here. Struggling to break out of stasis, while all others move to leave me behind. I want to be the one who leaves them behind, and surpasses his own expectations.
I appreciate the notes I received in my absence. It helps. Only one person I know still updates their LJ. I just went back and started using my OD again, and it's a similar story, though not quite as desolate. These places were once important to me, as well as the people I knew there. Now it all feels so empty. I'm a sucker for nostalgia though, so I'm not moving on. Not yet.
Everything ended when that goal did. The dream died. I haven't found a new one yet. I've had motivation, and lost it. I've had many struggles and inconveniences. I'm extremely broke at the moment, due to a deposit on the new car I got. Well, basically new, it's a 2011 Chevy Aveo. The old car was not fixable, at least not at a reasonable price. I haven't gotten rid of it yet. With transportation available once again, I've tentatively started stepping back out into the dating field. I started getting to know an old acquaintance that I never asked out before due to the lack of car. Things went ridiculously well the first week, then cooled off. Nothing is declared yet, but I've been here before. When someone isn't making the effort they used to make, even with a busy schedule and other things considered, it's time to move on. So that's basically what I've done, though I will still make the effort to go on more dates for a week or two. No more holding back on talking to anyone else for her sake.
I'm back in school next month. No idea what my major will be, the goal is simply to get through community college and to the local university. Maybe I'll find answers there. That's what I need, answers. Ones I find myself. Through everything I remain alone, and independent. People come and go. My group of friends has decayed and is its final stages of being. People talk badly about each other behind their backs. The formalities they go through for the sake of appearance are lessening. It's almost over. Maybe it's for the best. Perhaps we all are that different.
I've been pretty depressed lately, I am starting to dip out of it. It's essential to, as it's affected me at work. Survival comes before happiness. I feel so...empty. Like many times before. Life is stale. No longer am I constantly changing jobs or locations. I need something new. I've come to be pretty good at adapting to change. I think I almost depend on it, crave it a little. I was hoping finding someone to date would be that new thing, but it's difficult. The only people who stay attracted are the ones I don't want to date. I've been sticking to dating sites mostly, dabbling in the dating scene at work seems like a last resort. I'm not the cliche everyone online seems to be looking for. I'm not a country boy, I don't listen to country music, I'm not in the military, I'm not tall, and I don't have tattoos. I do have lots of other qualities, much better ones, but it's all about perception and appearance. Then again, maybe I am good at that. It often seems easy to worm my way into someone's heart, and difficult to be able to stay there. Shouldn't it be the other way around?
The end of the year is almost here. And civilization, if you're superstitious. I am feeling like being alone, but if there is to be a New Year's party, I have to organize it. I'm the only one who bothers to organize anything. It will most likely be the last hurrah for the group as I know it. Sometimes I regret moving back from Arizona a couple years ago. A large part of it was due to these people, well the ones I knew at the time, more have joined since then. I wasn't happy there, but if I had stayed, and dealt with the lack of sleep, heat, and graveyard shifts at work, I'd be through recording school by now. Instead, I am here. Struggling to break out of stasis, while all others move to leave me behind. I want to be the one who leaves them behind, and surpasses his own expectations.
I appreciate the notes I received in my absence. It helps. Only one person I know still updates their LJ. I just went back and started using my OD again, and it's a similar story, though not quite as desolate. These places were once important to me, as well as the people I knew there. Now it all feels so empty. I'm a sucker for nostalgia though, so I'm not moving on. Not yet.