Wade Through The Depths
It's been a while. Guess I'm kind of making the rounds in dredging up the past. Finally got around to updating Prosebox and had my Open Diary restored. It's not as appealing to me as it would have been even three years ago, when I last updated this. I'm becoming a different person now. Not totally there yet, but it's the change I've been striving for for years. Someone who is pretty much the direct opposite of myself in many ways. Someone who's not tethered by the past, not incredibly sentimental. Someone who has no interest in looking back at the past through things like this...like I said, I'm not there yet.
Nothing has really worked out since last time, which is nothing new. Been through several living situations, since my kinda long-time roommate moved back to Medford. At this point things are good, I live in a big house with four friends that I've known for years. We're about to the end of our year lease and have decided to do another year. No idea what happens after that, if I can afford it I'll probably get my own place.
Back then I was doing Lyft driving. Did that for a while longer, then got a job at a plant tissue culture lab that some friends worked at. It was great, and I made some good friends, so of course it didn't last. The company had financial problems, half the people got laid off, and then a few months later the rest of us got the axe. It wouldn't have been a forever job, but I did like it there and the people there, so for a second it felt almost right, almost like I belonged. Then it was back to doing Lyft driving for a few months before I got the job I currently have, an indefinite contract position in a manufacturing lab at Intel. It's not bad, though it might be getting far less enjoyable soon. I want to get hired on, but to do that I'll have to go back to school, which is something I've wanted to do anyway. Not sure when that will happen what with the pandemic and whatnot.
Women have come and gone, no one being in my life very long or anything much of substance happening. One of my best friends, who I always had a ton of sexual tension with but never did anything about it because she was married, got divorced. Not because of that, just on her own. We started seeing each other. I fell hard for her, and I guess that must have been too much for her, because she completely abandoned and ghosted me. We never talked about what happened. I really needed her, I was in a very bad place at the time. A couple years later she came back into the picture when our group of friends got together for lunch due to my old roommate visiting. We started seeing each other again, and it was great, for a bit. Then, some stuff happened, and I ended things. I feel like I got the raw end of things, someone else might see it differently. Perhaps she'll come back into the picture again some day, but it won't be through my efforts, so it probably won't happen, because I made almost all of the effort the whole time. It sucks, because she was basically my dream girl aside from that. I've never been so attracted to someone or had so much fun with them. Shit happens though. People change, and diverge down different paths. No point in living in the past. I still think about her, and realize in ways I have idealized her. If nothing else, it's good fodder for writing lyrics.
Still haven't pursued either of my dreams in wrestling and music. I feel more inspired to try, given that life has been kinda shitty anyway and I'm getting older. Chances are running out. I haven't stuck with bass, though I've been more motivated lately. I just ordered an electronic drum set, so once that gets here we'll see what I can do with it.
I started this in what, 2003? 2004 maybe? That's so long ago. I'm not even close to that person any more. I don't know any of the people that I talked to back then. The ideals I had at that time were abandoned long ago. I wonder what my younger self would think of me now. Would he be more disappointed that I've changed so much, or that I never fulfilled his desires and delusions of grandeur? It matters not. I'm not that person. That was a lifetime ago, actually it feels like several have passed since then. I'm going to keep changing, until I'm a person strong enough to do what he must to succeed and get what he wants. In that sense, this social isolation might be helping. I'm only around co-workers and roommates. I barely talk to anyone else. Perhaps once things open up and I do get back out there, the changes will be solidified enough to stick. I need that permanence.