the lover's dictionary
title: the lover's dictionary (according to kim taeyeon)
pairing: taeyeon/tiffany
rating: pg-13
notes: inspired by and based on the lover's dictionary by david levithan.
warning: this is extremely cheesy so i apologize in advance for all the cringing you might do.
aloof
I’m still not used to you, the new girl. You’re too loud, too friendly, too much for me. It’s not that I don’t like you. I just don’t know how to act around you. Your smiles throw me off guard, and your bubbly laughter makes it hard to think.
“Watcha doin?”
“What’re you thinking about? You look so serious.”
“Wanna go shopping? There’s a sale.”
Yes, you talk too much, you ask too many questions. I decide to keep my distance. I will be polite but disinterested, courteous but distant.
“What’re you afraid of?”, you ask one day.
I don’t reply, I keep pondering the question all day.
But deep down, I know the answer.
You.
bold
We walk side by side; you’re pointing at things in windows, telling me what you like, what you don’t like.
All I can think about though, is the way our hands brush against each other’s every so often. I know you wouldn’t mind if I took yours in mine, I know that’s probably what you want me to do.
But I can’t.
You notice I’ve gone quiet, you turn to look at me, your head turning to the side as if to ask “Something wrong?”
I shake my head, give you a reassuring smile. You smile back and just like that, you grab my hand.
It’s so easy for you, it’s almost second nature.
I wish I had your courage.
catalyst
The deed is done. It was the first time.
The spaces between my fingers are filled with yours. We’re closer than we’ve ever been.
You rise up, kissing that space right above my left breast, right above my heart. You linger for a moment before pressing your ear against my chest, listening to my racing heartbeat.
I look down just in time to see a smile spread across your face.
That was the moment I decided you would be the one I would give everything to.
detachment
I can tell you’re mad. I know it’s because of me, I don’t want you to be mad, I don’t want to fight but I can’t stop my voice from rising. I can’t stop the yelling, and neither can you.
“It’s like you’re not even there sometimes!”
“How am I supposed to know how you feel when you don’t even show it? You don’t even say it!”
“Are you even trying?”
I’m trying, I am. Please understand. I’m trying for you, I’m trying for us.
encroach
I liked being alone. I liked having time to myself to sit and organize my thoughts and listen to music. I needed this time for myself, without it, I would probably go crazy.
But then you came along and suddenly there were a lot less me and a lot more you.
I still haven’t worked out whether this is keeping me sane or driving me mad.
fatal
We fight a lot. We fight a lot about things that shouldn’t matter but matter to us.
We always make up somehow. A day or two of not talking and then one of us will go over; mumble an apology and the other will be waiting with open arms.
It scares me sometimes.
I wonder how much more fighting can we take. Can we keep it up like this? I worry that there will come a time where we won’t make up; no matter how hard we try.
I worry that either you or I will deliver the final blow and just as unexpectedly as this all started, it would come crumbling down.
genuine
You, naturally, love parties.
I, on the other hand, can’t stand being at a party for more than two hours. They’re loud, they’re exhausting, and they’re crowded.
I couldn’t come up with a single reason why you loved parties so much. That is, until I saw you talking to nearly every person in the room, getting to know them and enjoying their company.
It is because, you, unlike me, don’t have to pretend to like being around other people.
It’s something you actually like to do.
hush
They say silence is the most powerful scream. When it comes to you, this couldn’t be truer.
interlocution
“You wear your heart on your sleeve, though not quite like me-”
“You rhymed.” I point out.
“Hey, I’m a poet and I didn’t even know it!”
“Oh god.”I facepalm.
jotting
We made it a little game, leaving little fill-in-the-blanks notes for each other where we knew the other would find them.
I had just come across one you left reading “You’re really _____ and I _____ a lot.”
I scribble down a reply.
“You’re really loud and you talk too much (but you’re also really nice and pretty and adorable and your smile is my favorite smile in the whole world) and I think I like (love) you quite a lot”.
I smile, satisfied with my reply. I take out a blank note and write down the same fill-in-the-blank, wondering what you would write about me.
The next day, I read your reply in your loopy handwriting and pink ink.
“You’re really silly and cheesy (yes, you Kim Taeyeon are a giant cheeseball) and sometimes too quiet (because you’re stopping to think of me, right?) and I unfortunately (just kidding! :P) love you a lot (a lot a lot a lot a lot a lot!)”.
kiss
There’s this thing you do when we kiss sometimes. You nibble on my bottom lip; you nibble to the point of drawing blood.
I found it hard to get used to at first, but I liked it, I didn’t know why but I did.
It only took about a hundred more of your kisses to understand why I liked it so much.
Because it left a mark, no, it left your mark. It reminded me that I was yours and you were mine and it wasn’t something I’d be forgetting anytime soon.
love
What can I say about this one that hasn’t been said before?
music
It’s probably the only thing aside from each other that we both can’t live without.
noise
There are nights when you sleep over and I cannot sleep. I don’t know why it is but for some reason, the loudness of my thoughts, a sound only I can hear, keeps me tossing and turning all night. You lie next to me, peacefully asleep and I know you’re partially the cause of my unrest. I still can’t grasp the fact that you actually want me, actually want to be with me.
I carefully tiptoe out of the room, making my way to the tiny living room. I pull out a box; lay the pieces out on the floor, a thousand piece jigsaw puzzle. If I can concentrate on this then maybe I can tune out the cacophony of my thoughts.
I’ve just barely started when I hear footsteps. You stand in the doorway, rubbing your eyes.
“Can’t sleep?”
I shake my head.
You sit down next to me on the floor, carefully rearranging the pieces with me. You begin to talk, I don’t even remember what you were saying but I remember the steady sound of your voice.
My eyes begin to droop. Right before my mind shuts off I realize something. The thing I needed to stop the ringing in my mind was another sound; an entirely different one.
The sound of your voice.
osculate
I’m sitting here trying to tell you about this new restaurant I had just tried but for some reason, you’re barely paying attention. Actually, you’re paying attention to me but not to what I’m saying.
Your eyes aren’t meeting mine; they’re cast downward, focused on another part of my face.
Your eyes flick up maybe once or twice as I talk but they always seem to move back down.
It takes me several moments to apprehend what it is you’re staring at.
My lips.
I trail off, I stop talking.
You glance upward and meet my gaze. A slight blush comes to your cheeks. You know I’ve figured you out. I can’t help but smile; I know what’s coming next.
You’re leaning in now and I meet you halfway.
I never would have guessed that our first kiss was going to be one I actually expected.
playlist
You’ve somehow taken possession of my iPod and won’t give it back. I’m two minutes away from panicking, trying to subtlety take it out of your hands (if I tried snatching it away, that’d only make you suspicious) and hide it where you’ll never find it.
“I just want to look at your music, that’s all.” You say, casually flipping through my thousands of songs.
“Here, look on my laptop instead. It’s a lot easier.” I offer, hoping that’ll work.
You don’t answer; you keep your eyes fixed on the tiny screen.
“Seriously, Tiffany. Just give it back.” I try and fail to keep the edge out of my voice.
You giggle. “Why? Is there something you don’t want me to see?”
I flush. “No. Just, ugh, c’mon.”
“Wow, Taeyeon, why do you have so many playlists?”
I freeze. It won’t be long till you find it now. I grow more desperate, now seconds away from literally prying it out of your hands.
“You have a playlist labeled sad and another labeled melancholic. Aren’t they the same thing?”
“No…they’re very…different.” I’m trying to find the best way to take it from you with the least amount of struggle.
“You’re weird.” You say and almost laugh but I don’t react. I’m carefully calculating my next move.
You suddenly grow quiet and your face becomes serious.
You found it.
Then that smile that I am infinitely envious of and infinitely in love with spreads across your face.
I blush, knowing what you’ve just seen.
“What is this playlist about, Taeyeon? The one labeled Fany?” You ask, though I’m sure you know the answer.
“They’re just…some songs.” I shrug, taking this moment to snatch the iPod out of your hands.
“Hey! I wasn’t done looking at that one.”
“Oh well!” I say but for some reason I’m not relieved.
You look at me, waiting for me to say more. I try to fight it but I always give in to your pleading eyes.
“They’re just some songs that remind me of you…Songs that I listen to when I miss you, okay? No big deal.” I avoid your gaze the whole time.
You smile again, reaching over and crushing me in one of your hugs.
You tsk. “Kim Cheeseball…”
I blush again, murmuring “Yeah, whatever…” before looking up and finding my way to your lips.
quell
Something impossible to do when one of us (especially you) is angry.
realization
I just realized that most of these things I’ve written down are realizations.
Do I really need to tell you of what?
sorrow
When it first started, I wasn’t sure how strongly you felt about me. I must admit, half of the time I felt like you loved me just a fraction as much as I loved you. There was a moment though, as silly as that moment may seem, when I realized this wasn’t true.
You understood that I got sad sometimes. That I needed to sit by myself and not talk to anyone. At first, you tried to talk me into happiness. You tried cheering me up but to no avail. Music was my only comfort at the moment.
You slowly recognized this. Rather than leave me alone, instead you would sit next to me. You wouldn’t say a word, we wouldn’t talk at all. At first, I was confused. What were you doing? Why were you being so quiet? Was it even possible for you to be this quiet for this long? That last thought almost made me laugh when it first happened. But when it happened two, three times, I figured out what you were doing.
You were waiting for me to not be sad anymore. You were willing to sit down next to me in absolute silence for hours, until I felt better. I remember thinking, “If Tiffany Hwang is willing to shut up for that long she must really love me”.
You did it because even though you couldn’t make it all better, you couldn’t stand not doing anything at all for me.
You did it because you cared that much.
true
I sing to the point of tears.
You ask me what I think about when I sing. There’s the ghost of a smile on your face.
I ask “What do you think I think about?”
You shrug.
I sigh.
“You, of course” I answer, truthfully.
The ghost is gone.
A few seconds pass before you ask “Do I really make you feel that way?”
I look away.
“Sometimes.” I answer.
When I look back at you, I can’t tell if the smile you’re giving me is a happy one or a sad one.
underestimate
I’ve learnt never to do this when it comes to you and your smile.
vivacious
I’m making ramen in the microwave while I wait for you to get back.
You burst through the door, shouting, laughing. The bubbly sound fills the apartment, it intoxicates me, and I find myself smiling, happy even though I don’t know what for.
“Taeyeon! Taeyeon!” You yell, finding your way towards me.
You run up to me, you hug me. One would think that after hundreds of your hugs, my stomach would be used to it by now but it still does flip-flops every time.
“What? What happened?” I ask, once you finally let go.
“I passed the audition! I got the part, this could be it!” You gush; you’re giggling and practically jumping up and down.
“Really?!” And now I’m jumping up and down, I’m as happy as if it had happened to me.
I guess these are the moments when I know it’s love. When your moods affect me so entirely and completely that I’m not sure if I’m happy for you or because of you.
words
I didn’t know why we were doing this, it was silly to be honest but we had nothing better to do.
“Okay so the first question is: out of the following words, which would you use to describe your perfect date: fun, romantic, wild.” You sat next to me on the bed as I held the magazine out in front of my face, lying down.
You looked at me with a smirk. “Wild.”
I scoffed. “Really.”
You smiled. “Just kidding. Fun.”
I circled the word and moved on to the next question.
“Out of the following, which two words would you use to describe your current partner: cute, outgoing, boring, thoughtful, hot, lifeless, frustrating, gentle.”
You looked at the ceiling, thinking about it for a while.
“Well?”
“Well, I wouldn’t use any of those words to describe you.”
I gaped. “You don’t think I’m cute?”
“I think you’re very cute but you’re not just that. I can’t just pick two words to describe you.”
“You could try…” I mumbled, sort of disappointed.
“But I can’t because when I try nothing fits. You’re…I think you’re really…”
You trailed off, I looked at you expectantly.
“You’re so…You’re so you. That’s what you are.”
I tried my hardest to stop the heat from rushing to my cheeks and a smile from spreading across my face but as always, it failed.
“Aw, did you like that?” You smiled too, reaching over and squeezing my hand.
“S-shut up. Next question…”
x
I spent the longest time trying to come up with a word for this.
There are none.
There are lots of words that have x in them.
Expected (which you were not), Extreme (which you are, sometimes), and Ex-girlfriend (which I hope you never become).
But there are no good words that actually start with x.
I think someone, maybe the people who write the dictionary, should do something about that.
you
Always.
zenith
The highest point. A culmination.
I sometimes wonder if we’ve already reached this point.
I’d like to believe it’s somewhere far off in the future.
End.
pairing: taeyeon/tiffany
rating: pg-13
notes: inspired by and based on the lover's dictionary by david levithan.
warning: this is extremely cheesy so i apologize in advance for all the cringing you might do.
aloof
I’m still not used to you, the new girl. You’re too loud, too friendly, too much for me. It’s not that I don’t like you. I just don’t know how to act around you. Your smiles throw me off guard, and your bubbly laughter makes it hard to think.
“Watcha doin?”
“What’re you thinking about? You look so serious.”
“Wanna go shopping? There’s a sale.”
Yes, you talk too much, you ask too many questions. I decide to keep my distance. I will be polite but disinterested, courteous but distant.
“What’re you afraid of?”, you ask one day.
I don’t reply, I keep pondering the question all day.
But deep down, I know the answer.
You.
bold
We walk side by side; you’re pointing at things in windows, telling me what you like, what you don’t like.
All I can think about though, is the way our hands brush against each other’s every so often. I know you wouldn’t mind if I took yours in mine, I know that’s probably what you want me to do.
But I can’t.
You notice I’ve gone quiet, you turn to look at me, your head turning to the side as if to ask “Something wrong?”
I shake my head, give you a reassuring smile. You smile back and just like that, you grab my hand.
It’s so easy for you, it’s almost second nature.
I wish I had your courage.
catalyst
The deed is done. It was the first time.
The spaces between my fingers are filled with yours. We’re closer than we’ve ever been.
You rise up, kissing that space right above my left breast, right above my heart. You linger for a moment before pressing your ear against my chest, listening to my racing heartbeat.
I look down just in time to see a smile spread across your face.
That was the moment I decided you would be the one I would give everything to.
detachment
I can tell you’re mad. I know it’s because of me, I don’t want you to be mad, I don’t want to fight but I can’t stop my voice from rising. I can’t stop the yelling, and neither can you.
“It’s like you’re not even there sometimes!”
“How am I supposed to know how you feel when you don’t even show it? You don’t even say it!”
“Are you even trying?”
I’m trying, I am. Please understand. I’m trying for you, I’m trying for us.
encroach
I liked being alone. I liked having time to myself to sit and organize my thoughts and listen to music. I needed this time for myself, without it, I would probably go crazy.
But then you came along and suddenly there were a lot less me and a lot more you.
I still haven’t worked out whether this is keeping me sane or driving me mad.
fatal
We fight a lot. We fight a lot about things that shouldn’t matter but matter to us.
We always make up somehow. A day or two of not talking and then one of us will go over; mumble an apology and the other will be waiting with open arms.
It scares me sometimes.
I wonder how much more fighting can we take. Can we keep it up like this? I worry that there will come a time where we won’t make up; no matter how hard we try.
I worry that either you or I will deliver the final blow and just as unexpectedly as this all started, it would come crumbling down.
genuine
You, naturally, love parties.
I, on the other hand, can’t stand being at a party for more than two hours. They’re loud, they’re exhausting, and they’re crowded.
I couldn’t come up with a single reason why you loved parties so much. That is, until I saw you talking to nearly every person in the room, getting to know them and enjoying their company.
It is because, you, unlike me, don’t have to pretend to like being around other people.
It’s something you actually like to do.
hush
They say silence is the most powerful scream. When it comes to you, this couldn’t be truer.
interlocution
“You wear your heart on your sleeve, though not quite like me-”
“You rhymed.” I point out.
“Hey, I’m a poet and I didn’t even know it!”
“Oh god.”I facepalm.
jotting
We made it a little game, leaving little fill-in-the-blanks notes for each other where we knew the other would find them.
I had just come across one you left reading “You’re really _____ and I _____ a lot.”
I scribble down a reply.
“You’re really loud and you talk too much (but you’re also really nice and pretty and adorable and your smile is my favorite smile in the whole world) and I think I like (love) you quite a lot”.
I smile, satisfied with my reply. I take out a blank note and write down the same fill-in-the-blank, wondering what you would write about me.
The next day, I read your reply in your loopy handwriting and pink ink.
“You’re really silly and cheesy (yes, you Kim Taeyeon are a giant cheeseball) and sometimes too quiet (because you’re stopping to think of me, right?) and I unfortunately (just kidding! :P) love you a lot (a lot a lot a lot a lot a lot!)”.
kiss
There’s this thing you do when we kiss sometimes. You nibble on my bottom lip; you nibble to the point of drawing blood.
I found it hard to get used to at first, but I liked it, I didn’t know why but I did.
It only took about a hundred more of your kisses to understand why I liked it so much.
Because it left a mark, no, it left your mark. It reminded me that I was yours and you were mine and it wasn’t something I’d be forgetting anytime soon.
love
What can I say about this one that hasn’t been said before?
music
It’s probably the only thing aside from each other that we both can’t live without.
noise
There are nights when you sleep over and I cannot sleep. I don’t know why it is but for some reason, the loudness of my thoughts, a sound only I can hear, keeps me tossing and turning all night. You lie next to me, peacefully asleep and I know you’re partially the cause of my unrest. I still can’t grasp the fact that you actually want me, actually want to be with me.
I carefully tiptoe out of the room, making my way to the tiny living room. I pull out a box; lay the pieces out on the floor, a thousand piece jigsaw puzzle. If I can concentrate on this then maybe I can tune out the cacophony of my thoughts.
I’ve just barely started when I hear footsteps. You stand in the doorway, rubbing your eyes.
“Can’t sleep?”
I shake my head.
You sit down next to me on the floor, carefully rearranging the pieces with me. You begin to talk, I don’t even remember what you were saying but I remember the steady sound of your voice.
My eyes begin to droop. Right before my mind shuts off I realize something. The thing I needed to stop the ringing in my mind was another sound; an entirely different one.
The sound of your voice.
osculate
I’m sitting here trying to tell you about this new restaurant I had just tried but for some reason, you’re barely paying attention. Actually, you’re paying attention to me but not to what I’m saying.
Your eyes aren’t meeting mine; they’re cast downward, focused on another part of my face.
Your eyes flick up maybe once or twice as I talk but they always seem to move back down.
It takes me several moments to apprehend what it is you’re staring at.
My lips.
I trail off, I stop talking.
You glance upward and meet my gaze. A slight blush comes to your cheeks. You know I’ve figured you out. I can’t help but smile; I know what’s coming next.
You’re leaning in now and I meet you halfway.
I never would have guessed that our first kiss was going to be one I actually expected.
playlist
You’ve somehow taken possession of my iPod and won’t give it back. I’m two minutes away from panicking, trying to subtlety take it out of your hands (if I tried snatching it away, that’d only make you suspicious) and hide it where you’ll never find it.
“I just want to look at your music, that’s all.” You say, casually flipping through my thousands of songs.
“Here, look on my laptop instead. It’s a lot easier.” I offer, hoping that’ll work.
You don’t answer; you keep your eyes fixed on the tiny screen.
“Seriously, Tiffany. Just give it back.” I try and fail to keep the edge out of my voice.
You giggle. “Why? Is there something you don’t want me to see?”
I flush. “No. Just, ugh, c’mon.”
“Wow, Taeyeon, why do you have so many playlists?”
I freeze. It won’t be long till you find it now. I grow more desperate, now seconds away from literally prying it out of your hands.
“You have a playlist labeled sad and another labeled melancholic. Aren’t they the same thing?”
“No…they’re very…different.” I’m trying to find the best way to take it from you with the least amount of struggle.
“You’re weird.” You say and almost laugh but I don’t react. I’m carefully calculating my next move.
You suddenly grow quiet and your face becomes serious.
You found it.
Then that smile that I am infinitely envious of and infinitely in love with spreads across your face.
I blush, knowing what you’ve just seen.
“What is this playlist about, Taeyeon? The one labeled Fany?” You ask, though I’m sure you know the answer.
“They’re just…some songs.” I shrug, taking this moment to snatch the iPod out of your hands.
“Hey! I wasn’t done looking at that one.”
“Oh well!” I say but for some reason I’m not relieved.
You look at me, waiting for me to say more. I try to fight it but I always give in to your pleading eyes.
“They’re just some songs that remind me of you…Songs that I listen to when I miss you, okay? No big deal.” I avoid your gaze the whole time.
You smile again, reaching over and crushing me in one of your hugs.
You tsk. “Kim Cheeseball…”
I blush again, murmuring “Yeah, whatever…” before looking up and finding my way to your lips.
quell
Something impossible to do when one of us (especially you) is angry.
realization
I just realized that most of these things I’ve written down are realizations.
Do I really need to tell you of what?
sorrow
When it first started, I wasn’t sure how strongly you felt about me. I must admit, half of the time I felt like you loved me just a fraction as much as I loved you. There was a moment though, as silly as that moment may seem, when I realized this wasn’t true.
You understood that I got sad sometimes. That I needed to sit by myself and not talk to anyone. At first, you tried to talk me into happiness. You tried cheering me up but to no avail. Music was my only comfort at the moment.
You slowly recognized this. Rather than leave me alone, instead you would sit next to me. You wouldn’t say a word, we wouldn’t talk at all. At first, I was confused. What were you doing? Why were you being so quiet? Was it even possible for you to be this quiet for this long? That last thought almost made me laugh when it first happened. But when it happened two, three times, I figured out what you were doing.
You were waiting for me to not be sad anymore. You were willing to sit down next to me in absolute silence for hours, until I felt better. I remember thinking, “If Tiffany Hwang is willing to shut up for that long she must really love me”.
You did it because even though you couldn’t make it all better, you couldn’t stand not doing anything at all for me.
You did it because you cared that much.
true
I sing to the point of tears.
You ask me what I think about when I sing. There’s the ghost of a smile on your face.
I ask “What do you think I think about?”
You shrug.
I sigh.
“You, of course” I answer, truthfully.
The ghost is gone.
A few seconds pass before you ask “Do I really make you feel that way?”
I look away.
“Sometimes.” I answer.
When I look back at you, I can’t tell if the smile you’re giving me is a happy one or a sad one.
underestimate
I’ve learnt never to do this when it comes to you and your smile.
vivacious
I’m making ramen in the microwave while I wait for you to get back.
You burst through the door, shouting, laughing. The bubbly sound fills the apartment, it intoxicates me, and I find myself smiling, happy even though I don’t know what for.
“Taeyeon! Taeyeon!” You yell, finding your way towards me.
You run up to me, you hug me. One would think that after hundreds of your hugs, my stomach would be used to it by now but it still does flip-flops every time.
“What? What happened?” I ask, once you finally let go.
“I passed the audition! I got the part, this could be it!” You gush; you’re giggling and practically jumping up and down.
“Really?!” And now I’m jumping up and down, I’m as happy as if it had happened to me.
I guess these are the moments when I know it’s love. When your moods affect me so entirely and completely that I’m not sure if I’m happy for you or because of you.
words
I didn’t know why we were doing this, it was silly to be honest but we had nothing better to do.
“Okay so the first question is: out of the following words, which would you use to describe your perfect date: fun, romantic, wild.” You sat next to me on the bed as I held the magazine out in front of my face, lying down.
You looked at me with a smirk. “Wild.”
I scoffed. “Really.”
You smiled. “Just kidding. Fun.”
I circled the word and moved on to the next question.
“Out of the following, which two words would you use to describe your current partner: cute, outgoing, boring, thoughtful, hot, lifeless, frustrating, gentle.”
You looked at the ceiling, thinking about it for a while.
“Well?”
“Well, I wouldn’t use any of those words to describe you.”
I gaped. “You don’t think I’m cute?”
“I think you’re very cute but you’re not just that. I can’t just pick two words to describe you.”
“You could try…” I mumbled, sort of disappointed.
“But I can’t because when I try nothing fits. You’re…I think you’re really…”
You trailed off, I looked at you expectantly.
“You’re so…You’re so you. That’s what you are.”
I tried my hardest to stop the heat from rushing to my cheeks and a smile from spreading across my face but as always, it failed.
“Aw, did you like that?” You smiled too, reaching over and squeezing my hand.
“S-shut up. Next question…”
x
I spent the longest time trying to come up with a word for this.
There are none.
There are lots of words that have x in them.
Expected (which you were not), Extreme (which you are, sometimes), and Ex-girlfriend (which I hope you never become).
But there are no good words that actually start with x.
I think someone, maybe the people who write the dictionary, should do something about that.
you
Always.
zenith
The highest point. A culmination.
I sometimes wonder if we’ve already reached this point.
I’d like to believe it’s somewhere far off in the future.
End.