Long, Boring Update That I Wrote For Me (Mostly), Not You.
I am the epitome of frustration, so much so that it is stunting my ability to get anything accomplished. Even though I am unemployed, I am somehow disorganized. You'd think with all the free time I could at least get my shit together.
Aside from being disorganized, I have sort of been lying to myself. I frequently remind myself that I am a good person who works really hard, and therefore I deserve the meaningful job that I have yet to attain. Simultaneously, I fail to admit that I am not the most ambitious character around. I need to be more ambitious! I need to find my way into a job that is everything I want it to be! I am an idiot for not trying harder!
I think I am letting my cynicism hold me back. I am so stuck on the fact that capitalism sucks (well, it does)and it is making my life difficult. Blame capitalism. I like to play the blame game and I am a moron for doing so. No, I am not trying to beat myself to a pulp, I just need to recognize my weaknesses. I have not been a ridiculously lazy bum, either. I go on these crazy drives where I apply to several jobs a day for a week. I think what gets me down is when I spend hours and hours and I end up nowhere. As I've already said to everyone, it's just demeaning. And disheartening. And causes me to bawl my eyes out every once in awhile because I start to think I am stupid. Really, I'm not.
We all deserve to be happy but modern life goes against the grain of happiness, in my opinion. 9 to 5 jobs. War. Genocide. Global warming. Water scarcity. Poverty levels. Overwhelming amounts of knowledge and information that we use to freak ourselves out via the media (hahaha). The feelings of helplessness that go along with all of the aforementioned. If aliens exist, I hope their life-supporting planet is a little less complex.
My trivial life, aside from the unemployment issue, is alright (when I don't think about the bigger picture, which is what kept lying awake in bed for 1 1/2 hours last night). Dana keeps me happy in the midst of my silly frustrations. His mom is the best potential-mother-in-law ever if you are unemployed and lacking ambition. She keeps me sane (and she turned 60 yesterday!) I am still in pretty good contact with all the friends that matter most. They make me wish I could be in several places at once because I love them so much. My family is still weird. But I need them and I love them (with the exception of #1 Dickhead who I don't think I will ever forgive).
In other news:
Happiness is an illusion confusion. I love life. I love people. I still don't like capitalism. I am [90%] accepting of reality. I am done writing this foolishness.
Aside from being disorganized, I have sort of been lying to myself. I frequently remind myself that I am a good person who works really hard, and therefore I deserve the meaningful job that I have yet to attain. Simultaneously, I fail to admit that I am not the most ambitious character around. I need to be more ambitious! I need to find my way into a job that is everything I want it to be! I am an idiot for not trying harder!
I think I am letting my cynicism hold me back. I am so stuck on the fact that capitalism sucks (well, it does)and it is making my life difficult. Blame capitalism. I like to play the blame game and I am a moron for doing so. No, I am not trying to beat myself to a pulp, I just need to recognize my weaknesses. I have not been a ridiculously lazy bum, either. I go on these crazy drives where I apply to several jobs a day for a week. I think what gets me down is when I spend hours and hours and I end up nowhere. As I've already said to everyone, it's just demeaning. And disheartening. And causes me to bawl my eyes out every once in awhile because I start to think I am stupid. Really, I'm not.
We all deserve to be happy but modern life goes against the grain of happiness, in my opinion. 9 to 5 jobs. War. Genocide. Global warming. Water scarcity. Poverty levels. Overwhelming amounts of knowledge and information that we use to freak ourselves out via the media (hahaha). The feelings of helplessness that go along with all of the aforementioned. If aliens exist, I hope their life-supporting planet is a little less complex.
My trivial life, aside from the unemployment issue, is alright (when I don't think about the bigger picture, which is what kept lying awake in bed for 1 1/2 hours last night). Dana keeps me happy in the midst of my silly frustrations. His mom is the best potential-mother-in-law ever if you are unemployed and lacking ambition. She keeps me sane (and she turned 60 yesterday!) I am still in pretty good contact with all the friends that matter most. They make me wish I could be in several places at once because I love them so much. My family is still weird. But I need them and I love them (with the exception of #1 Dickhead who I don't think I will ever forgive).
In other news:
- I am going to NYC on the 11th!! Really fucking excited to see Alyssa. I feel like I haven't seen her in a year even though I saw her twice over the summer (crowded wedding and bridal shower don't count as bonding time). I am also thrilled to be seeing Lisa and Katie. And just NYC itself. I told Katie last night that sometimes I wish I could go on a temporary break from Dana, in order to be with NYC. Too bad I'm smitten and he hates the idea of living in NYC.
- Buying gifts online did not serve me well this year and I've wasted like $36. Probably won't do that for awhile.
- I think I will bake cookies soon. By myself. I have never done that. I am 23.
- I am knitting mittens that are r e a l l y awesome. Mostly because of the yarn, not so much the knitter. One day, I will possess more knitting technique and my projects will be awesome also because of my mad skillz.
Happiness is an illusion confusion. I love life. I love people. I still don't like capitalism. I am [90%] accepting of reality. I am done writing this foolishness.