Ninety Nine Problems.

[orwellian_trash]

As surely everyone, even the people who hide under stones obsessing over the minutiae of esoteric ephemera, knows the saying by the greatest poet of our generation, Jay-Z: "I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one".

However what Mr Z's song fails to convey is what exactly his 99 problems are. The song, which appears on 2004's The Black Album, goes into great detail of his life of being a young black rapper in America. Racial prejudice at the hands of police officers, media elitists accusing of him being nouveau riche, people assuming he's unintelligent because he's from the ghetto, rival rappers making attempts on his life etc etc etc. However at no point does Jay-Z specify what exactly his 99 Problems are. That is to say, the problems he has with his 99 ice cream.



Now, It may be possible that I am completely misinterpreting the work of Jay-Z in assuming this is a song about ice cream. If this is the case I will be first to hold my hands up and admit I was in the wrong. However, if indeed he is singing about ice-cream as I assume he would be (ice cream is very enjoyable, much more enjoyable than institutionalised racism), what exactly might his problems with his ice cream be?

• Sun is too warm, it is melting too quickly.
• Sticky hands (from melting ice cream).
• Taking an over-presumptuous lick and having it fall off the cone onto the floor.
• Melted ice cream dribbled down shirt.
• Melted ice cream smeared across cheek unnoticed.
• Broken Flake.
• Being unexpectedly overcharged
• No Hundreds-&-Thousands
• No Chocolate Sprinkles
• No Monkey Blood
• Being met with an astonished stare after the request for Monkey Blood
• The joyless lack of charm the phrase 'Raspberry Syrup' has compared to 'Monkey Blood'
• Getting Monkey Blood, but they remembering that scene in The League of Gentleman with the nosebleed in the ice cream van
• Garishly unpleasant ice-cream van music.
• The Glasgow Ice Cream Wars
• Mr Whippy Ice Cream isn't real ice cream
• The knowledge that before she entered politics, Margaret Thatcher worked as a research chemist for British Xylonite and then Lyons & Company, where she helped develop methods for preserving ice cream (this is true!)
• No orange Callipos left.
• The empty and hollow feeling you get when you realise a Magnum is just a choc-ice on a stick
• No bubblegum bottom in your Screwball
• Politically incorrect joke on lolly-stick
• All of the above

Of course, These are more generalised problems one might have with ice-cream. I have overlooked Jay-Z specific problems which may be applicable. Maybe he prefers a FAB ice lolly to a 99 anyday, or perhaps he is a Vegan and has moral objections to human consumption of animal products. He may even be lactose intolerant or diabetic, in which case he should consult his good friend Dr Dre. That is, if those rappers aren't having another of their 'rap battles', in which case he'll probably pop a cap in his Haagen-Dazs.