Psychic Sushi
Today the two footballing titans of Spain and Germany play each other in the second semi-final of the 2010 World Cup. Germany must win this game. Germany must win this game FOR ALL SCIENCE AND RATIONAL THOUGHT! GERMANY MUST PROVE THE OCTOPUS WRONG!
Wait, I should probably explain what I'm talking about for the benefit of anyone who isn't following the football.
Paul the Psychic Octopus lives in an aquarium in the German city of Oberhausen. Now, admittedly, 'Paul' is a little bit of an underwhelming name for a ~Psychic Octopus~. Personally I'd be hoping for a name like MIGHTY CEPHALOPODATRIX-CTHULHU-REX, but you can't have everything. Anyway, Paul the Psychic Octopus is claimed to have clairvoyant powers having correctly predicted the winner in all of Germany's matches. Two perspex boxes containing food and bearing the flag of two nations are lowered into his tank and whichever Paul opens first is the one tipped to win. Yesterday, Paul predicted Spain would defeat Germany.
I first learned about Paul the Psychic Octopus when he correctly predicted a defeat for England. Because of the exciting nature of the match (WTF REF THAT WAS FUCKKIN MILES OVER THE LINE!) I completely forgot about Paul until he predicted a German win over Argentina. At the time I reasoned they've probably used Pavlovian conditioning to train him to always go after the German flag by associating it with food. That makes sense, then when the team does well you can sit back and watch the punters roll through the doors of the aquarium eager to see the psychic octopus.
But then the little 8-legged bastard went and picked Spain and now I'm left with a problem. Had you asked me yesterday before Paul's prediction who the likely winner of Spain v Germany would be I'd have said Germany - just look at Spain v Paraguay, the game was so boring they had to go to penalties before the final whistle. I was quite relishing the idea of an epic grudge-match final between Germany and The Netherlands. But now Paul has chosen Spain I'm left worried. Apparently Paul also predicted the unexpected defeat for Germany at the hands of Serbia during the group stages, so now if Spain DO win then I have to admit that there might be such things as psychic octopuses.
That's a pretty big claim. Basically, the universe shouldn't work like that. If Paul DOES have some kind of extra-sensory perception then this means reality as we know it becomes so ontologically heavy it ought to collapse in on itself, like a neutron star. How does octopus know what an footballs is? How does it know which flag is which, how does it even know what its doing? It's an OCTOPUS that lives in an AQUARIUM. I swear to god, if this octopus understands football then they are far more intelligent than we had ever previously believed. If this octopus understands the Offside Rule then it understands more about football than I do!
If Paul can do all these things then we have to admit that, basically, everything we know is wrong, science and rational thought are worthless and you might as well just eat your shoes and shit your pants. This is why Germany must win. YOU DON'T KNOW SHIT, PAUL! YOU'RE AN OCTOPUS!
ETA: Okay, fine. The bloody cephalopod has extra sensory powers. Everything we think we know about the universe is a lie. ALL GLORY TO THE OCTOPUS.
Wait, I should probably explain what I'm talking about for the benefit of anyone who isn't following the football.
Paul the Psychic Octopus lives in an aquarium in the German city of Oberhausen. Now, admittedly, 'Paul' is a little bit of an underwhelming name for a ~Psychic Octopus~. Personally I'd be hoping for a name like MIGHTY CEPHALOPODATRIX-CTHULHU-REX, but you can't have everything. Anyway, Paul the Psychic Octopus is claimed to have clairvoyant powers having correctly predicted the winner in all of Germany's matches. Two perspex boxes containing food and bearing the flag of two nations are lowered into his tank and whichever Paul opens first is the one tipped to win. Yesterday, Paul predicted Spain would defeat Germany.
I first learned about Paul the Psychic Octopus when he correctly predicted a defeat for England. Because of the exciting nature of the match (WTF REF THAT WAS FUCKKIN MILES OVER THE LINE!) I completely forgot about Paul until he predicted a German win over Argentina. At the time I reasoned they've probably used Pavlovian conditioning to train him to always go after the German flag by associating it with food. That makes sense, then when the team does well you can sit back and watch the punters roll through the doors of the aquarium eager to see the psychic octopus.
But then the little 8-legged bastard went and picked Spain and now I'm left with a problem. Had you asked me yesterday before Paul's prediction who the likely winner of Spain v Germany would be I'd have said Germany - just look at Spain v Paraguay, the game was so boring they had to go to penalties before the final whistle. I was quite relishing the idea of an epic grudge-match final between Germany and The Netherlands. But now Paul has chosen Spain I'm left worried. Apparently Paul also predicted the unexpected defeat for Germany at the hands of Serbia during the group stages, so now if Spain DO win then I have to admit that there might be such things as psychic octopuses.
That's a pretty big claim. Basically, the universe shouldn't work like that. If Paul DOES have some kind of extra-sensory perception then this means reality as we know it becomes so ontologically heavy it ought to collapse in on itself, like a neutron star. How does octopus know what an footballs is? How does it know which flag is which, how does it even know what its doing? It's an OCTOPUS that lives in an AQUARIUM. I swear to god, if this octopus understands football then they are far more intelligent than we had ever previously believed. If this octopus understands the Offside Rule then it understands more about football than I do!
If Paul can do all these things then we have to admit that, basically, everything we know is wrong, science and rational thought are worthless and you might as well just eat your shoes and shit your pants. This is why Germany must win. YOU DON'T KNOW SHIT, PAUL! YOU'RE AN OCTOPUS!
ETA: Okay, fine. The bloody cephalopod has extra sensory powers. Everything we think we know about the universe is a lie. ALL GLORY TO THE OCTOPUS.