A Eulogy of Conflict and of Hope...
What have I gotten myself into? I feel like I've placed myself directly in the path of conflict. I don't mind conflict, if it creates something worthwhile in the end. I know that nothing in this life is ever wasted. Anyone that knows me the least bit more deeply than the superficial knows this about me.
I figured it out, though. Despite the fact that I've always been more free-spirited and more moody and more angst-ridden than the majority of the world, I have always seen the world as something that is to be experienced fully by all except for myself. I could go into the history of my life, give you as wide or as detailed an overview as you desire of what has made me who I am, the people, the happenings, the experiences... but I finally figured out that I have allowed myself to be confined by what others thought of me, by what and who they told me I am, even while knowing that I am both more and less than what they thought. Therefore, I've never fully committed to anything but my Lord, my husband, and my aesthetic. I keep coming back to the fact that I am gifted in many different ways, and I am not utilising them to their full potential. Ah, yes, the "p" word. "Potential". I always hated that word. It was forever being written into letters to my parents, into report cards, into Permanent Files. I have been haunted by that word since the moment I drew my first breath... yes, even before. I've known almost my whole life that I am flawed, damaged even, in such a way that I cannot dare to live the life I dream of. I've known that I will never be able to live up to that potential. I will never make everyone happy with my choices, with my life. The only thing I truly desire is to live as best I can in the manner my Lord created me, and when that is accomplished, then and only then will I be truly content with my life. I want to excel in the things He has for me. I want to touch people, touch their lives, their souls, and truly make a difference in this dark world. How do I work this out? How do I get myself to stop sabotaging my own life, my own soul? How do I force myself to start working for the present and the future, and forget trying to work on the past? The past is over, it is done. There is nothing more that can be changed there. The present is where I am to work, allowing Christ to take over and lead me to the future He has prepared for me. There is trial, tribulation, strife, and pain in the journey. I would not have it any other way, for it is in the struggle, in the desperate need to cling to the cross of my Lord, to cling tenaciously to His robes, that I will find my true peace. Wisdom grows in the walk with those silent companions, Sorrow and Suffering. They are the fellow travellers I have with me always. My Lord is with me, as well, of course. He is also awaiting my return to His arms... that return that will last forever. That return wherein He has finally opened the heavy drapes that separate this life from the next, and pulled me forever from this rotting carcass of a body, in this dead corpse of a world. Right now, I live in the misty shadows of the world to come. I so desire to see Him face to face... yet I know that all is in His hands. Nothing will occur before His timing has come to pass. Nothing will be allowed in my life, but that which He has already seen, has already experienced. He will not lead me on a path that He Himself has not been down. He is the Conqueror, He is the Precedent, He is the Master and the Saviour of my life, or rather, He is the Saviour, and I must allow Him to be the Master. I long to be a blessing to the lives of others. I long to live the fully engaged life that He desires me to. There is hope and joy in the life that is fully allowed to be honest and free. Who is it that allows or disallows me to live the life I am created for? How can I look in the mirror and say in all truth that others are responsible for the person I've become? Nature versus Nurture? Knowledge versus Wisdom? I am the only one responsible for the person I allow myself to be... though my Lord created me with an intensity and a passion to accomplish. I have allowed others to rule my life for far too long. I have lived in the belief that I cannot make choices for myself, that I must follow what others say must be so in my life. I have barricaded my thoughts, my feelings, my passions, all my life, and for what? To what end? Am I happier? Am I more successful? Am I a more well-rounded individual for all of this? I am not. I am a shell... my soul hides away and works at keeping up the walls that create the person that others want for me to be. Ultimately, I am the one responsible for me. My Lord guides me, but I am the one who will be held accountable for what I did and did not attempt, let alone accomplish, in my time on this planet. I am the one who has wasted thirty-three years trying to live up, or down, to a life that was set forth in that word, "Potential". As I said before, I have always hated that word. In my hatred of it, I became self-defeating, and refused to do those things I have been given talent in, because those were the things that were expected of me. The realization is slowly dawning over my soul that I have defeated myself out of pride and that loathing of doing what is expected. I placed myself here, in this tomb, in this self-appointed martyrdom... I have had moments in my life where I renounced all that I hold dear, save my Saviour and my husband. Those times absolutely killed me. The time during which I thought I had to give up music. The time during which I thought I had to give up writing. The time during which I thought I had to give up myself. Myself. Who is this person I call myself? Who is she supposed to be? What kind of person is she to be? If I were to die tomorrow, what eulogy would be written for me? What could they say? I pity the poor writer who would have to pen that monstrosity. I do not know what I have accomplished that could be looked back upon with definition and courage and spoken to a crowd of those who "knew" me. What could be said that would be true? The only absolute truth in my life is my Saviour. My husband is my soulmate, and yet even he would most likely be hard pressed to come up with a satisfactory synopsis of my accomplishments. Were I to be destined to meet my Saviour face to face tomorrow, I don't believe that there would be a person who could even try to define my soul. My love for Christ and my love for Matthew... these are the two constants in my life. I have made, despite my shortcomings and flaws, several close friends who love me for who I am, who I am in Christ. Yet who among them would be able to say with authority that I did anything to be a blessing, to leave a legacy beauty and of hope in this world? The Lord has blessed others through me... of this I am certain. He has provided a window to His heart through me in my music, in my acting, in my writing, in my dancing... I have not lived up to His will in my life, however, and this is also certain. What must I do to allow Him to pull me from this soul-sucking clay I have lived in all my life? Quicksand can be deadly. In fighting against it, however, one merely becomes even more deeply enmired. You will lose your life if you fight for it. If you want to escape from the quicksand, you must be still and not struggle in your own strength. If you fight it, you will die. If you lie back and not work yourself in more deeply, you will live. I want my eulogy to be a love poem... an epic story of light versus dark, of peace versus strife, of love versus hate, or indifference. I want my eulogy to be a love poem to the Creator of the universe. I want it to speak volumes of His love and His amazing grace and mercy toward us. I want, more than anything, for my eulogy to reflect that deep and abiding love He has for me, for all of us. When it comes time for my mortal eyes to be shut forever, I want my spiritual eyes to be opened to Him, telling me, "Well done, My good and faithful servant."
I want to leave a legacy of truth, hope, and brutal honesty, tempered by love. More than anything, I want my legacy to be a vision of Christ within me. I want to live for Him, and to live fully and honestly within that vast frame.
I am tired of allowing others to rule my life. It is time for me to realize that this is who I am, and I should not be afraid to be me. Within the framework of my love for Christ, I want to live fully and explicitly the life He has set before me.
I am alive, and I have no fear of living.
Until we meet again...
Nightbird
I figured it out, though. Despite the fact that I've always been more free-spirited and more moody and more angst-ridden than the majority of the world, I have always seen the world as something that is to be experienced fully by all except for myself. I could go into the history of my life, give you as wide or as detailed an overview as you desire of what has made me who I am, the people, the happenings, the experiences... but I finally figured out that I have allowed myself to be confined by what others thought of me, by what and who they told me I am, even while knowing that I am both more and less than what they thought. Therefore, I've never fully committed to anything but my Lord, my husband, and my aesthetic. I keep coming back to the fact that I am gifted in many different ways, and I am not utilising them to their full potential. Ah, yes, the "p" word. "Potential". I always hated that word. It was forever being written into letters to my parents, into report cards, into Permanent Files. I have been haunted by that word since the moment I drew my first breath... yes, even before. I've known almost my whole life that I am flawed, damaged even, in such a way that I cannot dare to live the life I dream of. I've known that I will never be able to live up to that potential. I will never make everyone happy with my choices, with my life. The only thing I truly desire is to live as best I can in the manner my Lord created me, and when that is accomplished, then and only then will I be truly content with my life. I want to excel in the things He has for me. I want to touch people, touch their lives, their souls, and truly make a difference in this dark world. How do I work this out? How do I get myself to stop sabotaging my own life, my own soul? How do I force myself to start working for the present and the future, and forget trying to work on the past? The past is over, it is done. There is nothing more that can be changed there. The present is where I am to work, allowing Christ to take over and lead me to the future He has prepared for me. There is trial, tribulation, strife, and pain in the journey. I would not have it any other way, for it is in the struggle, in the desperate need to cling to the cross of my Lord, to cling tenaciously to His robes, that I will find my true peace. Wisdom grows in the walk with those silent companions, Sorrow and Suffering. They are the fellow travellers I have with me always. My Lord is with me, as well, of course. He is also awaiting my return to His arms... that return that will last forever. That return wherein He has finally opened the heavy drapes that separate this life from the next, and pulled me forever from this rotting carcass of a body, in this dead corpse of a world. Right now, I live in the misty shadows of the world to come. I so desire to see Him face to face... yet I know that all is in His hands. Nothing will occur before His timing has come to pass. Nothing will be allowed in my life, but that which He has already seen, has already experienced. He will not lead me on a path that He Himself has not been down. He is the Conqueror, He is the Precedent, He is the Master and the Saviour of my life, or rather, He is the Saviour, and I must allow Him to be the Master. I long to be a blessing to the lives of others. I long to live the fully engaged life that He desires me to. There is hope and joy in the life that is fully allowed to be honest and free. Who is it that allows or disallows me to live the life I am created for? How can I look in the mirror and say in all truth that others are responsible for the person I've become? Nature versus Nurture? Knowledge versus Wisdom? I am the only one responsible for the person I allow myself to be... though my Lord created me with an intensity and a passion to accomplish. I have allowed others to rule my life for far too long. I have lived in the belief that I cannot make choices for myself, that I must follow what others say must be so in my life. I have barricaded my thoughts, my feelings, my passions, all my life, and for what? To what end? Am I happier? Am I more successful? Am I a more well-rounded individual for all of this? I am not. I am a shell... my soul hides away and works at keeping up the walls that create the person that others want for me to be. Ultimately, I am the one responsible for me. My Lord guides me, but I am the one who will be held accountable for what I did and did not attempt, let alone accomplish, in my time on this planet. I am the one who has wasted thirty-three years trying to live up, or down, to a life that was set forth in that word, "Potential". As I said before, I have always hated that word. In my hatred of it, I became self-defeating, and refused to do those things I have been given talent in, because those were the things that were expected of me. The realization is slowly dawning over my soul that I have defeated myself out of pride and that loathing of doing what is expected. I placed myself here, in this tomb, in this self-appointed martyrdom... I have had moments in my life where I renounced all that I hold dear, save my Saviour and my husband. Those times absolutely killed me. The time during which I thought I had to give up music. The time during which I thought I had to give up writing. The time during which I thought I had to give up myself. Myself. Who is this person I call myself? Who is she supposed to be? What kind of person is she to be? If I were to die tomorrow, what eulogy would be written for me? What could they say? I pity the poor writer who would have to pen that monstrosity. I do not know what I have accomplished that could be looked back upon with definition and courage and spoken to a crowd of those who "knew" me. What could be said that would be true? The only absolute truth in my life is my Saviour. My husband is my soulmate, and yet even he would most likely be hard pressed to come up with a satisfactory synopsis of my accomplishments. Were I to be destined to meet my Saviour face to face tomorrow, I don't believe that there would be a person who could even try to define my soul. My love for Christ and my love for Matthew... these are the two constants in my life. I have made, despite my shortcomings and flaws, several close friends who love me for who I am, who I am in Christ. Yet who among them would be able to say with authority that I did anything to be a blessing, to leave a legacy beauty and of hope in this world? The Lord has blessed others through me... of this I am certain. He has provided a window to His heart through me in my music, in my acting, in my writing, in my dancing... I have not lived up to His will in my life, however, and this is also certain. What must I do to allow Him to pull me from this soul-sucking clay I have lived in all my life? Quicksand can be deadly. In fighting against it, however, one merely becomes even more deeply enmired. You will lose your life if you fight for it. If you want to escape from the quicksand, you must be still and not struggle in your own strength. If you fight it, you will die. If you lie back and not work yourself in more deeply, you will live. I want my eulogy to be a love poem... an epic story of light versus dark, of peace versus strife, of love versus hate, or indifference. I want my eulogy to be a love poem to the Creator of the universe. I want it to speak volumes of His love and His amazing grace and mercy toward us. I want, more than anything, for my eulogy to reflect that deep and abiding love He has for me, for all of us. When it comes time for my mortal eyes to be shut forever, I want my spiritual eyes to be opened to Him, telling me, "Well done, My good and faithful servant."
I want to leave a legacy of truth, hope, and brutal honesty, tempered by love. More than anything, I want my legacy to be a vision of Christ within me. I want to live for Him, and to live fully and honestly within that vast frame.
I am tired of allowing others to rule my life. It is time for me to realize that this is who I am, and I should not be afraid to be me. Within the framework of my love for Christ, I want to live fully and explicitly the life He has set before me.
I am alive, and I have no fear of living.
Until we meet again...
Nightbird