Crap
I had a panic attack last night. I ended up having to call the emergency hotline for the mental health center. The seroquel that my doctor gave me isn't making me go to sleep fast enough but it makes it hard for me to get up in the morning because I'm groggy. I just wish I could find that magic bullet of pills that would solve my depression. I started thinking of how sick I am and how my family thinks I should just get over my illnesses. They don't think chemical imbalances exist. I know I've had an anxiety and depression problem since I was a kid. When I was a kid I was really scared of dying or my mom dying. I would lie awake for hours crying because I was scared that my mom might die someday. Any bit of trauma would just kill my brain. I would just cry and cry forever. And my parents thought it was funny that I cried a lot. My parents were awful to me. I remember one time that I had some math homework that I didn't understand and I was unhappy that I didn't understand it and I didn't want to do it. I was probably about 10 or so. And my mom yelled at me and teased me because I didn't know how to do it. Then she got out the video camera and started taping me crying and upset because I didn't understand my homework. She's a bitch. She resents me because I'm smarter than her. My relationship with her went south around grade 6 or 7 because I was so smart and advanced and she was so dumb. Because of this she always liked to make fun of me when I didn't understand something. And my dad didn't care about me at all. He avoided me whenever possible and treated me like dirt. He didn't want kids. He was always threatening to send me to fucking boot camp. He only cared about my brother. Right now my family only cares about my brother because he's a fucking asshole marine. They think he's a fucking hero. He's really just a moron who thinks he's hot shit. That's all the military is anyway. Morons who are full of themselves. But they all think I'm retarded. They don't take my illnesses seriously. I've been dealing with anxiety and depresssion all my life and being abused makes it worse. They think I should turn to jesus and get over it. Fucking retards. I just wish they'd all die so my problems would be solved. I know I'm rambling but I don't care. The lady on the phone hotline last night told me to use a journal more often and say what I'm feeling. She also told me about some workbook that'll help me with my anxiety and depression. She said she'd call me today to tell me what the title and author is. I just want to get better. I want to be on a pill that keeps me level and nearly emotionless.
I'm going to go read some stuff.
I'm going to go read some stuff.