Comments | openedlocket: Teenagers These Days

openedlocket

Teenagers These Days

Feb 20, 2011 15:57

Comments 14

merthin February 21 2011, 05:13:05 UTC

I loved it! I think I have a friend like Anne. She hates having her picture taken but she looks so good when I can sneak one of her smiling. This piece is really sweet.

If it were mine, I would add the word "the" right after the word "and" in the last line. :-)

openedlocket February 21 2011, 19:31:13 UTC

Thank you :) I'm glad you liked this piece. I think everyone has a friend like that. Makes one wonder why they don't see how well they take a picture.

Also, thanks for the edit. I guess I overlooked that one :)

missflyer February 22 2011, 15:06:44 UTC

This is so sweet, and so much fun! Pillow fights are awesome, and what a perfect way for Alfred to (intentionally? ;) ) get a picture of Anne. :) Well done!

openedlocket February 23 2011, 00:24:27 UTC

I'd like to think he did it on purpose ;) Thanks so much :)

Your BF edit! keppiehed February 22 2011, 16:43:33 UTC

Hello, I'm your editor this week! (And I think we're exchanging favors this week, editor!)

Let's start with the easiest thing, which are the specifics, and we'll talk concrit after (corrections are in the brackets):

-You’re the one who called me ten minutes ago rambling on about coming over to show me your ‘amazingly awesome’ camera[,]” she said[,] crossing her arms.

-He sighed[] and shook his head. “I know you’re big on keeping your reputation of being a boring killjoy[,] but-” comma delete in a sentence with a dependent clause.

-She didn’t catch it[,] and it knocked over the small pile of textbooks on her table.

-He just smiled at her and waited for the picture to come out. To avoid ending on a preposition, you could rephrase. Wait for the picture to develop?

-As soon as it did, Alfred quickly took it from the camera and took a long look at it. Anne stood up and sat beside him to look at it. This illustrates some minor repetition that is subtle throughout your piece. The word "look" is used twice in two sentences, and the word ( ... )

Re: Your BF edit! openedlocket February 23 2011, 00:47:06 UTC

Hey! You're right! I wish I can do as good a job with yours as you did with mine.

Thanks for the tips on repetition. I try to avoid that but I guess I didn't notice that one. I also appreciated the adverb tip greatly. I tend to add unnecessary adverbs a lot and I'm glad someone pointed that out. I've deleted some of the adverbs in the dialogue and I think it's much better now.

Thanks so much! I'm glad that somehow it came off as something cliche or overly fluffy. It's great that it turned out to be something with actual depth.

In a world so upside-down it's nice to see that some people still share this look on it, especially on friendships and real love (not all that teenage 'love' on TV).

I can't stop saying thank you for this. Your edit was super helpful :)

starriheavens February 22 2011, 17:53:19 UTC

Ooh, I like this. :) I love stories where friends are friends (not "just" friends, or friends but maybe something more or anything like that, but friends. I think you did a good job of conveying their friendship.

openedlocket February 23 2011, 00:25:40 UTC

Thanks :) I'm glad I got the right balance of that somehow, I was afraid I made people think something was going on between them because of the last line.

Yay! Edit! rubyelf February 25 2011, 23:33:15 UTC

Okay, so I am going to do a terrible job on this edit, because the brilliant keppie came in and said everything I was going to say plus some! Hmmmph ( ... )