Your BF edit!keppiehedFebruary 22 2011, 16:43:33 UTC
Hello, I'm your editor this week! (And I think we're exchanging favors this week, editor!)
Let's start with the easiest thing, which are the specifics, and we'll talk concrit after (corrections are in the brackets):
-You’re the one who called me ten minutes ago rambling on about coming over to show me your ‘amazingly awesome’ camera[,]” she said[,] crossing her arms.
-He sighed[] and shook his head. “I know you’re big on keeping your reputation of being a boring killjoy[,] but-” comma delete in a sentence with a dependent clause.
-She didn’t catch it[,] and it knocked over the small pile of textbooks on her table.
-He just smiled at her and waited for the picture to come out. To avoid ending on a preposition, you could rephrase. Wait for the picture to develop?
-As soon as it did, Alfred quickly took it from the camera and took a long look at it. Anne stood up and sat beside him to look at it. This illustrates some minor repetition that is subtle throughout your piece. The word "look" is used twice in two sentences, and the word "took" is, as well, giving us the usage of a word that sounds very similar used four times in quick succession. There is an easy way to guard against reader fatigue. Once your first draft is written, you can go back and check for words that are used close in proximity like this and change one for variety. For example: "As soon as it did, Alfred quickly took it from the camera and glanced at it. Anne stood up and sat beside him to see." This also avoids the preposition dilemma.
-“My hair’s all over the place,” she said, self-critically, “and my smile makes me look ridiculous.” Suggestion: as you are illustrating the point that she is self-critical very aptly in her dialogue, you could omit the adverb and streamline the writing.
I must find that I disagree with your author's note! This was not cheesy at all. It was sweet and heartfelt; a difference that is subtle, but genuine in nature. I quite enjoyed this snapshot you portrayed! It was done without guile, and so you lent it a credibility that steered it away from the preciousness you were concerned about. On that score, you may put your concerns to rest.
I noticed that you used a lot of adverbs throughout, and also you pointed out things that the characters were doing that they made reference to in action of dialogue. Give your readers some space and some credit to know what you intend; not every nuance needs to be written to be understood. Sometimes what you don't say is as important as what you do say, and learning what to leave between the lines is an important skill for an author to cultivate.
Otherwise, this was a lovely vignette that I quite enjoyed. You said that you like to believe that innocent friendships still exist, and I am with you. It takes the belief to make it so, and you have shown that you see it as real. I think it is more than a possibility, I think it is a certainty, especially with people willing to see the world in such a fresh light as you do. Thank you for sharing your vision. It was a pleasure!
Re: Your BF edit!openedlocketFebruary 23 2011, 00:47:06 UTC
Hey! You're right! I wish I can do as good a job with yours as you did with mine.
Thanks for the tips on repetition. I try to avoid that but I guess I didn't notice that one. I also appreciated the adverb tip greatly. I tend to add unnecessary adverbs a lot and I'm glad someone pointed that out. I've deleted some of the adverbs in the dialogue and I think it's much better now.
Thanks so much! I'm glad that somehow it came off as something cliche or overly fluffy. It's great that it turned out to be something with actual depth.
In a world so upside-down it's nice to see that some people still share this look on it, especially on friendships and real love (not all that teenage 'love' on TV).
I can't stop saying thank you for this. Your edit was super helpful :)
Let's start with the easiest thing, which are the specifics, and we'll talk concrit after (corrections are in the brackets):
-You’re the one who called me ten minutes ago rambling on about coming over to show me your ‘amazingly awesome’ camera[,]” she said[,] crossing her arms.
-He sighed[] and shook his head. “I know you’re big on keeping your reputation of being a boring killjoy[,] but-” comma delete in a sentence with a dependent clause.
-She didn’t catch it[,] and it knocked over the small pile of textbooks on her table.
-He just smiled at her and waited for the picture to come out. To avoid ending on a preposition, you could rephrase. Wait for the picture to develop?
-As soon as it did, Alfred quickly took it from the camera and took a long look at it. Anne stood up and sat beside him to look at it. This illustrates some minor repetition that is subtle throughout your piece. The word "look" is used twice in two sentences, and the word "took" is, as well, giving us the usage of a word that sounds very similar used four times in quick succession. There is an easy way to guard against reader fatigue. Once your first draft is written, you can go back and check for words that are used close in proximity like this and change one for variety. For example: "As soon as it did, Alfred quickly took it from the camera and glanced at it. Anne stood up and sat beside him to see." This also avoids the preposition dilemma.
-“My hair’s all over the place,” she said, self-critically, “and my smile makes me look ridiculous.” Suggestion: as you are illustrating the point that she is self-critical very aptly in her dialogue, you could omit the adverb and streamline the writing.
I must find that I disagree with your author's note! This was not cheesy at all. It was sweet and heartfelt; a difference that is subtle, but genuine in nature. I quite enjoyed this snapshot you portrayed! It was done without guile, and so you lent it a credibility that steered it away from the preciousness you were concerned about. On that score, you may put your concerns to rest.
I noticed that you used a lot of adverbs throughout, and also you pointed out things that the characters were doing that they made reference to in action of dialogue. Give your readers some space and some credit to know what you intend; not every nuance needs to be written to be understood. Sometimes what you don't say is as important as what you do say, and learning what to leave between the lines is an important skill for an author to cultivate.
Otherwise, this was a lovely vignette that I quite enjoyed. You said that you like to believe that innocent friendships still exist, and I am with you. It takes the belief to make it so, and you have shown that you see it as real. I think it is more than a possibility, I think it is a certainty, especially with people willing to see the world in such a fresh light as you do. Thank you for sharing your vision. It was a pleasure!
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Thanks for the tips on repetition. I try to avoid that but I guess I didn't notice that one. I also appreciated the adverb tip greatly. I tend to add unnecessary adverbs a lot and I'm glad someone pointed that out. I've deleted some of the adverbs in the dialogue and I think it's much better now.
Thanks so much! I'm glad that somehow it came off as something cliche or overly fluffy. It's great that it turned out to be something with actual depth.
In a world so upside-down it's nice to see that some people still share this look on it, especially on friendships and real love (not all that teenage 'love' on TV).
I can't stop saying thank you for this. Your edit was super helpful :)
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