Torn
It's 4:15 AM and I spent my evening watching A Beautiful Mind and Oceans 11 with Connors. I must say, those are two really great movies. The first deserves every Oscar it won for its screenplay, filming and acting (Russell Crowe), and the later, well lets just say it stars both George Clooney and Brad Pitt (at his finest), two of the hottest actors alive.
As much as I say how much my relationship with Mark means to me, there is something missing. Whether it's due to the fact that it's a relationship on a timelimit, or because something was lacking all along, I'm not sure. But when I find myself having feelings for another person, a good friend, it leaves me questioning to what extent my connection with Mark really exists. I'm torn between having mislead a good friend and hurting someone I feel that I owe myself to.
You see, unless I find myself regularly in the presence of others I become lonely quite quickly. With everything and everyone changing so drastically, there's little to hold on to. I have Mark, but lately, for eachother we fulfill different needs, and more and more I'm starting to see it causes a tension. I love the time I spend with him, sometimes it just doesn't seem right to be with a person for a controlled amount of time. Sometimes I bring myself to the original thought that we should just enjoy the time we have together for what it is, without questioning a purpose, or eachother. But such simplicity when it comes to feelings is nonexistent (right?).
I think I'm just lucky that there was no one to take advantage of me in my moments of vulnerability. I need to stop my emotions from taking over my common sense and decency. Connors, he's really a good guy, he's honest with me (which I appreciate, regardless of how lewd) but he completely respects me, regardless of how wishy-washy and potentially misleading I find myself being. *sigh*
I'm torn.
My thoughts no longer make sense. I'll try to find logic in the morning (afternoon). Goodnight.
As much as I say how much my relationship with Mark means to me, there is something missing. Whether it's due to the fact that it's a relationship on a timelimit, or because something was lacking all along, I'm not sure. But when I find myself having feelings for another person, a good friend, it leaves me questioning to what extent my connection with Mark really exists. I'm torn between having mislead a good friend and hurting someone I feel that I owe myself to.
You see, unless I find myself regularly in the presence of others I become lonely quite quickly. With everything and everyone changing so drastically, there's little to hold on to. I have Mark, but lately, for eachother we fulfill different needs, and more and more I'm starting to see it causes a tension. I love the time I spend with him, sometimes it just doesn't seem right to be with a person for a controlled amount of time. Sometimes I bring myself to the original thought that we should just enjoy the time we have together for what it is, without questioning a purpose, or eachother. But such simplicity when it comes to feelings is nonexistent (right?).
I think I'm just lucky that there was no one to take advantage of me in my moments of vulnerability. I need to stop my emotions from taking over my common sense and decency. Connors, he's really a good guy, he's honest with me (which I appreciate, regardless of how lewd) but he completely respects me, regardless of how wishy-washy and potentially misleading I find myself being. *sigh*
I'm torn.
My thoughts no longer make sense. I'll try to find logic in the morning (afternoon). Goodnight.