F.E.A.R.: Face Everything And Recover
Those two images are interesting. The first one I worked on a lot, & originally it said "IM IN UR LJAY STELIN UR BROCLYS". I got rather paranoid when I realized I was missing some money(greens--not to mention vitamin C and calcium). I felt like one of my alters was doing this to me. I think it could be someone inside indeed, but it sounds really really creepy. So I'm thinking a very creepy critter indeed.
Then I had another rather creepy moment when I realized that the newly edited icon of RDJ (Robert Downey Junior) that I made looks like a joking version of "speaking with forked tongue"--the spork that is there now was originally a cigar, Robert Downey had a cigar. But my alters often lie, it is part of the process of being in denial about trauma, about memories and about the stuff they did that might have been wrong or that they feel guilty about. Or about what they are very afraid of, or just what they think I am not ready for yet, something someone else did to the body, for instance.
The image looks kind of a lot like my youngest brother, RDJ kind of looks like him. I don't really know what this is about, but these things usually come out sooner or later. I was told not to worry much about lying, I think that is why. At first I was pretty worried.
Kind of a nervous day. It is close to Christmas and I used to feel so much pressure to have this and that ready and this and that big project done and I put myself through the ringer every year. I think I broke down when I remembered doing that one year and thought absolutely that every thing was done but I FORGOT to get a present for my youngest brother. I did try to fix that later but I am absolutely so scared of doing that that it seemed better to give to no one. I feel so stupid. And my parents used to be so preferential of the older kids, my dad was and so was my maternal Grandmother. (My mom was not, hated my brother and then after a while knocked me off the pedestal and just crapped on me for years.)
Now I do not give gifts because I just can't and don't care, a part of me just doesn't care. It hurts really badly that I don't and I feel like I just can't. I want to cry, because it surely hurt some people. I actually hope it did. Because if it didn't then what does that say about how they feel about me?
Also I gave my oldest bro a present and I was very not caring at the time, I think I was mad at him and gave him ...I got all mixed up. I wasn't conscious of what I was angry at, but I think it was the usual...unspeakable abuse. I found out later that he was really quite resentful of that(the not well thought out gift). I wouldn't have thought he'd care. I have some other observations about Xmas presents, he used to give small ones that he could afford and they were well thought out, more or less. I did appreciate them, I particularly remember an emerald pepperomia. It unfortunately didn't last long, but I really liked it, it was a dark ripply leaved plant. I do not have the greenest thumb. Also I gave him a lampshade that had a map printed on it, a mercator of the earth I think. I do think he liked that. The gift he hated was a blue & white sun-photo print gift, too girly for him. But A) I was very confused. B I had just come back from Ann Arbor living with man-hating aunt. Who sometimes seems to like men, but I don't think so. She had a lot to get over, admittedly.
Eh on with another evening, feeling nervous, trying to get everything done at once I guess. Better than being bored, and there are plenty of times I just lie there. And seem to do nothing.
Apparently I lost a buck in the machine at the other library, there is no money showing on my account.