Scenes From a Wedding Day
This is a Christmas gift to my dear friend NJDoodler112! It's a fic about the wedding day of Critic and Nerd. This takes place in an alternate universe where they met as spies, and actually is closer to RPF than I usually write, since Critic and Nerd are only their codenames and characters are often called by their real names, like Doug and James. There are also small cameos by Linkara, Spoony, TOG, Kyle Justin, Nerd's friend Mike, and Pat the NES Punk for the joyous occasion.
I hope you like this, my friend! Merry Christmas!
Critic can’t remember most things that happen to him on daily basis, which he knows is unusual for a man in his line of work. Spies who can’t recall particulars of missions don’t usually live long. However, he has made do, despite memory never being his strong suit, which Nerd can strongly attest to. Even on the most memorable day of his life, his wedding to Nerd, Critic can only vaguely recall what happened and often has to ask Nerd for details about specifics. Like what kind of cake did they eat, and what was the name of the man who officiated the ceremony again? Nerd always rolls his eyes and smiles before answering these questions. For him, every detail of that day is etched permanently into his mind.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
The alarm went off and Nerd leapt out of bed, wearing a smile so wide that his cheeks would normally be aching. But they weren’t today. Nothing could hurt him today.
He shut off the noisy alarm and opened the curtains of his hotel room, smiling even more when he realized the sun was shining down and there wasn’t one cloud in the sky.
“Wow. The world looks so fucking beautiful right now.” A sense of giddiness coursed through Nerd’s veins and he felt like he was floating rather than walking into the bathroom to shower, shave, and comb his hair.
“I wonder if I have time to eat,” he mused when he was finished, checking his watch. He was actually fifteen minutes ahead of schedule, so there was plenty of time to grab a complimentary muffin from the breakfast buffet.
“Perfect.” Nerd hurried downstairs and headed toward the lobby, intent on gathering his muffin and a cup of coffee, when he spotted three familiar men already sitting there and shoveling as much food as they could into their mouths. “Guys, save some of that for the actual guests here,” he scolded, but his smile showed that he didn’t really mind.
“Hey, there he is!” Kyle and Mike swallowed their Danishes and bagels before standing up to pull Nerd into a giant hug. Pat, who was curled up in a ball on one of the lobby’s couches, nodded his head up at Nerd but seemed unwilling to move further.
“It’s finally the big day,” Kyle said, his smile matching Nerd’s. “I’m so happy for you.” Nerd beamed.
“Thanks, Kyle.”
“How are you feeling, man?” Mike asked.
“I’m so fucking nervous, but also really excited,” Nerd admitted, looking down for a moment.
“What? What are you nervous for?” Mike asked, his voice gently teasing. “Are you afraid you won’t fit into your dress?”
“Shut up, mother-fucker,” Nerd laughed, shoving Mike back playfully. “You know what I mean. Today’s going to be great, I know that, but I still can’t help but worry. What if it starts raining before the ceremony’s over? What if we get in accident on the way there? What if he… what if he changes his mind?”
“James, come on, you know that wouldn’t happen,” Kyle said, once again donning the voice of reason. “After everything you’ve been through together, there’s no way Doug will change his mind. He loves you so damn much, and there’s nothing that will ever change his feelings for you.”
“Yeah, don’t worry yourself with shitty thoughts like that,” Mike added. “I’ve never seen anyone look at you the way he does, James. He’s got it bad for you.”
“Thanks, guys,” Nerd said, his face coloring a little as he pulled them in for another hug. “I don’t know how I could make it through today if I didn’t have you.”
“That’s right,” Kyle said, adjusting the strap to his guitar case. “We’re practically indispensible. I’ve finished my song list for your reception and I can’t wait for you two to hear my selections!”
“And I’ve finished my toast,” Mike said as he pulled a folded piece of paper from his pocket. “Prepare to laugh your ass off, buddy.”
“And Pat-” Kyle turned toward the still-horizontal young man and frowned. “Pat, dude. Get up and tell James about what you’ve done for today.”
“Ohhh… I pray for death,” Pat moaned, closing his eyes and holding his head.
“Pat? Are you okay?” Nerd asked, looking at him in concern.
“Oh, ignore him, he’s fine,” Mike dismissed. “He’s still just hung-over from your bachelor party.”
“But that was three nights ago.”
“I went out again last night to celebrate in your honor, man,” Pat explained before collapsing. Mike rolled his eyes.
“Okay, thanks for being a fucking load, Pat. Don’t worry about him, James,” he said before Nerd could move, “you just go back upstairs and get dressed. Kyle, you go help him. I’ll take this pathetic asshole back to the car and wait for you.”
“Got it.” Even the sight of Pat stopping to throw up all over the entrance to the hotel couldn’t put a damper on Nerd’s good mood. Sure, he’d have to pay to have it cleaned, but all Nerd could think about was having checks with Mr. James Rolfe-Walker emblazoned upon them. The giddiness quickly returned.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Critic lay flat on his back on the bed in his apartment that felt much too big for him now that he was used to sharing it with someone. His eyes were bloodshot since he hadn’t slept much at all for the past few days. He glanced at his alarm, noted there was still another hour before he needed to officially wake up, and sighed.
“This is all your fault, James. Why did you have to make me agree to that fucking idea?”
That ‘fucking idea’ was one Nerd had heard about from one of those shows about relationships he was always watching.
Apparently, some couples liked to spend time apart before entering into matrimony, mainly by sleeping alone and not engaging in any of their more intimate activities until the honeymoon began. Nerd had been intrigued by this idea and asked if Critic wouldn’t mind spending the week before their wedding sleeping in different beds and halting all sexual activity.
Critic had agreed without much persuading, since he pretty much agreed to anything that would make Nerd happy at this point, and after spending hours failing to convince him that he would behave if Nerd just spent the week in his spare bedroom, booked a hotel room for his intended.
His first night alone, Critic didn’t take long to realize what he had agreed to give up for a week. It wasn’t just the sex, even though that was a huge part of it, because Nerd was the best fucking lay he’d ever had; it was that he missed having Nerd next to him. He missed feeling a warm, soft body beside him when he tossed and turned, he missed listening to Nerd’s gentle breathing, he missed waking up with sore limbs because Nerd had accidentally fallen asleep on top of his arm.
Critic especially missed being able to reach out and touch him whenever he wanted. He loved nothing more than touching Nerd all over his body, from his pale pink lips down to his even paler chest and stomach, his milky thighs, his slender legs, his tight little ass…
“Oh fuck.” Critic shut his eyes and tried to calm down as he grew aroused yet again. Ever since he and Nerd had stopped having sex, he found himself getting hard almost twice as often as before. Even though he knew promised to be good for this one week, Critic struggled to control himself on more than one occasion. The best method for calming down was to shock his body, either with pain or extreme temperatures, which is why Critic had taken five cold showers in the past seven days and ‘accidentally’ spilled hot soup on himself twice.
“I don’t have long now,” Critic told himself as he tried to think of the un-sexiest thoughts he could. “Just get to tonight, and it’ll all be worth it.” He spent the rest of that hour lying still, trying not to think about anything, while images of his fiancée in various states of undress and sexual positions flitted through his mind. When the alarm finally sounded, Critic threw his clock radio onto the ground before racing into the bathroom for his sixth non-heated shower.
After freezing his ass off for fifteen minutes, Critic finally dried himself and started to prepare for the day. He looked at the bags under his reddened eyes in the mirror as he shaved, and sighed.
“Maybe I can wear sunglasses. I’m sure James wouldn’t mind that too much.”
A knock on his door startled Critic into slicing his cheek and he cursed loudly before sticking a piece of toilet paper to the wound.
“Come in!”
“Hey, baby brother! How you feeling?” The Other Guy walked into the apartment, impeccably dressed and smiling much too brightly for such an early hour. “You must be excited for the big day, huh?”
“Rob, look at me.” Critic turned to his brother and gestured to his face. “On a scale of 1-10, 1 being Tommy Wiseau with the mumps, how shitty is my face right now?” The Other Guy pursed his lips and moved closer to better examine his brother’s face.
“Eh, I’d give you a three, but then again, I’d give you a four most days.” Critic pretended to laugh as he flipped him off.
“Honestly, how bad is it?”
“Honestly, you look fine. And even if you didn’t it wouldn’t matter, because James is going to marry you no matter how you look, so quit worrying about it and focus on getting ready.”
“I just wish this whole fucking thing was already over and done with,” Critic mumbled as he finished shaving. The Other Guy frowned a little at him.
“Wow, what a great attitude to have the day of your wedding,” he said, voice dripping with sarcasm. “It’s such a shame your future husband isn’t here to listen to such a lovely sentiment.”
“You know that’s not what I mean,” Critic said, wiping his face. “I want to marry James and spend my life with him. I’m just sick of all this wedding shit, and all the planning and the spending tons of money on clothes and food and flowers, and then organizing the honeymoon-”
“And the lack of sex,” the Other Guy chimed in. Critic’s face reddened at once.
“How the hell did you know that?”
“No steam,” he replied, gesturing to the mirror. “You were in the shower a while, but there’s no steam or heat in this room, which means it must have been a cold shower. As we all know, the only reason to take cold showers is to try and control a frustrated libido, dear brother.”
“I fucking hate you,” Critic muttered as he walked over to where his tuxedo was hanging.
“That’s why you made me your best man,” the Other Guy replied, smiling widely as he followed after him. “So hurry up and get ready. The sooner we leave, the sooner you see James, fly off to Spain, and most likely never leave your room for two weeks.”
“Yeah, all right,” Critic grumbled. The Other Guy watched him quietly for a moment.
“So, have you heard about all those nude beaches they have in Spain?” Critic froze for a moment before rushing back into his bathroom.
“Fuck you so hard, Rob.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Critic thought the rest of the day would pass as slowly as the previous week had, but in actuality, it went by so fast that it almost seemed like a blur of hugs and pats on the back and long, often boring amounts of talking. When he and his brother arrived at the park where the ceremony was to be held, his parents first captured him, his mom hugging him so tightly Critic almost couldn’t breathe for a moment, his dad patting his shoulder so hard it began to feel sore.
“We are all so happy for you,” his mom kept repeating while dabbing at her eyes with a tissue.
“You really proved us wrong,” his dad said, smiling proudly. “We always thought we’d be at your brother’s wedding first. I was getting prepared to introduce you as my bachelor son for the rest of your life.”
“Thanks for the vote of confidence, dad,” Critic muttered before being embraced by his mother yet again.
Then there was Nerd’s family, his parents and younger sister, Katie. All three of them were crying as they pulled Critic into a group hug.
“You’re such a lovely young man,” Nerd’s mom bawled.
“We know you’ll take good care of our boy,” Nerd’s dad also bawled.
“I’m so glad James has found someone who loves him so dearly,” Katie whispered before hugging him even tighter.
“Uh, thank you?” Critic asked rather than said, since he always felt nervous around sobbing people. “Uh, Rob, can you come help me here?”
Once Nerd’s family had been seated, Critic found himself crushed in a hug by Linkara.
“I am so proud of you,” the comic lover told him while Spoony offered his own pat on the back. “I never thought you were going to mature, Critic, but you have certainly proven me wrong, and I couldn’t be happier.”
“So, I’ve apparently inspired no confidence in either my friends or family members,” Critic said with a frown. “Not exactly a great tone to set before one of the most important days of my life.”
“Aw, don’t sweat it, man,” Spoony told him with a grin. “No one had much confidence in me either, and look at my life now. I have a great job and a great guy,” he swung an arm over Linkara’s shoulder as he said this, “and things are just going to get better for me. They will for you too, once you finally have that ball-and-chain tied to your ankle.”
“Spoony,” Linkara scolded, but Critic just laughed.
“Yeah, you’re right, man. After today, everything in my life will be better. Thanks.”
“No problem.” Spoony seemed amused by the disapproving look on Linkara’s face, so the Other Guy quickly sat them down before they could start arguing. Then Critic was swarmed by Nerd’s idiotic friends and had to force himself not to snap when they pulled him into yet another group hug.
“Looking good, man,” Kyle said with a nod. “James picked out great suits for you two. I really love the red bowtie.”
“Yeah, you can do a lot of fun stuff with bowties,” Mike said, giving Critic a knowing look. “Bondage, erotic asphyxiation, light whipping-it’s amazing how versatile they are.”
“I still pray for death,” Pat moaned, looking like he was ready to hurl again.
“Well, that was mostly inappropriate and unsettling,” Critic said, his cheerful tone not matching the look of disgust he wore. “Thanks for coming.”
He thanked a few other friends and relatives before finally laying eyes on Nerd. Kyle had been right, James did pick out great suits. He looked handsome and adorable all at once dressed in a stylish black tux, and he sported a blue bowtie that matched his lovely blue eyes.
“Wow,” Critic said softly, moving closer to him without realizing.
“Uh, hold on there,” the Other Guy said, grabbing his arm and stopping his progress. “First the ceremony, then the reception, then he’s all yours.” Critic surprised his brother then by nodding and smiling.
“I know.”
The ceremony also passed by so quickly that Critic still barely remembers any of it. First, the officiator welcomed everyone for coming to join them on this wonderful day, then he talked about love and how it came in all shapes and forms, blah blah blah, together forever, to love, honor, and cherish each other. Then Katie read some poem that Critic couldn’t focus on since he was so busy staring at Nerd and how good he looked in that suit. Critic decided he would add a butler-scenario to their regular role-playing fantasy nights.
Finally, it was time for their vows. Nerd went first.
“I knew I loved you the first time I ever met you,” he said, blushing slightly as he stared into Critic’s eyes. “I know that sounds stupid and ridiculous, but it’s true. Just from that first meeting, I knew… that I didn’t want to be with anyone but you, Doug.” Critic smiled as he remembered their first encounter and nodded along as Nerd spoke. “But I also knew it would be a battle to find out if you felt the same way about me,” he continued, fiddling with his hands a little. “And it was a damn long battle, and it almost seemed pointless at times. You never make anything easy, Doug, including letting yourself give and accept love.”
“James,” Critic said softly, looking down. He did still carry around the guilt from how they struggled to become a true couple, especially because the struggle was mostly his fault. He had denied feeling anything more than lust for Nerd for such a long time that he’d almost destroyed their relationship, and he’d hurt Nerd more times than he wanted to admit because of his selfishness.
“But I never gave up,” Nerd continued, his smile shining so brightly now that when Critic looked back up at him he couldn’t tear his eyes away. “I never stopped loving you, Doug, and the day you told me you loved me too was the happiest day of my life. Well, until today, that is.” Nerd stepped closer to him and reached out to take his hand. “Today I vow to stay by your side for the rest of our lives, Doug. I always have and I always will love you.”
Critic cleared his throat and wiped his eyes, which gave the wedding guests a chance to wipe their own eyes and hug each other again. Then he spoke.
“James, you are literally the best thing to ever happen to my life. Before I met you, I was this immature, selfish, awful jerk. And when I first met you I was… well, pretty much still that. I never thought about anything serious, like love or the future. That all seemed like meaningless crap compared to doing what I wanted and pleasing only myself. When I first met you, that’s what I thought I was doing-using you to please myself. I knew… I knew you loved me early on,” he admitted, looking down again in shame. “You were never good at hiding your emotions and I knew that behind your “I-don’t-care” attitude you honestly loved me, and I… well, let’s just say I was an awful jerk about that.”
“Doug, you weren’t,” Nerd tried to say, but Critic shook his head.
“I was. I know it and even if you won’t admit it out loud, I know you realize it too. I was awful because I was afraid that I might start feeling the same way. Actually, I did feel the same way, but I refused to admit it to even myself. I don’t know how you put up with me for so long, James, or how you continue to do it now, but I’m… so grateful.” Critic’s voice wavered as he teared up again. “I’m so grateful that someone as amazing and wonderful as you cares about me at all. I don’t deserve you, but I vow to spend the rest of my life doing everything I can until I do deserve you. I promise I’ll never hurt you again, James, because I love you so much… so much that it hurts to imagine my life without you now. This past week was painful enough-I now physically suffer if I’m apart from you. So thank you, James. Thank you for loving me.”
Nerd was sobbing himself by now and he lunged at Critic, hugging him so tightly that Critic definitely couldn’t breathe for a few minutes. This time Critic didn’t mind. It still felt better than what he’d experienced during the past week.
Then the Other Guy brought over the rings. “With this ring, I thee wed,” they each said as they slipped the gold band onto their left ring fingers.
“I am proud to announce you husband and husband,” the officiator declared. “You may now kiss your groom.”
The guests broke into delighted cries and tighter hugs when Critic pulled Nerd close and finally relaxed as he felt those soft, warm lips pressed against his. This was how it should be.
This was what made the world right.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
At the reception, Critic could barely keep his eyes open.
“Doug, are you sure you don’t want to leave early?” Nerd asked, giving him a concerned look. Critic stifled a yawn as he shook his head.
“What? No, I’m fine. Really.”
“But you’ve barely touched your plate,” Nerd said, gesturing to Critic’s uneaten steak.
“I’m just… too excited to eat,” Critic mumbled. He reached for a glass of champagne and quickly guzzled it down.
“You’re a terrible liar when you’re tired,” Nerd told him with a grin.
“You’re a terrible liar all the time,” Critic replied, also grinning. Nerd laughed and swatted his arm. “Honestly, I’m fine staying. I know you’re having a good time listening to Kyle play and watching everyone dance and talk together.”
“Yeah, that is nice,” Nerd admitted as he glanced back out at the people chatting happily around him. “Although I would have an even better time if I got to dance as well.” He shot Critic a hopeful look.
“Aw, but I hate dancing,” Critic whined, poking at his steak a little. “You know I sucked at it that one time we went out to a club, James.”
“But this isn’t club dancing, it’s formal dancing,” Nerd insisted. “It’s really easy, Doug, all you have to do is hold me close and follow my lead.”
“I do like the holding you close part,” Critic conceded. “All right, one dance.”
Nerd was ecstatic as he led Critic onto the dance floor. Everyone cleared the area and Kyle started to strum and sing a slow ballad. Critic put one hand on Nerd’s shoulder and the other in Nerd’s own hand, and allowed himself to be guided across the room. He felt slightly embarrassed at his awkward steps and the few stumbles he made, but the joy on Nerd’s face kept his spirits up and he finished the dance to much applause.
“Okay, that’s my dancing for the decade,” he told Nerd as they headed back to their seats at the head table. “So, is it time for cake yet?”
“Almost sweetie, but first Mike’s giving his toast,” Nerd told him happily. Critic bit down on his tongue and nodded.
“That should be… not terrible... I think.”
“Okay, ladies and gentlemen, gather round to hear a tale,” Mike shouted into the microphone, which caused enough feedback to make everyone cringe. “This is Mother-fucker Mike speaking. I’m James’ best friend and the unofficial 2nd Best Man for this ceremony.”
“No you aren’t,” Critic muttered to himself.
“Now, I couldn’t be happier to see these two tie the knot,” Mike continued, still shouting. “Especially since Doug is so good at tying knots, right James?” He winked at him, and Nerd blushed.
‘What the hell is he talking about?” Critic asked, turning to Nerd in confusion.
“Uh, well, Mike might have over-heard me telling Kyle some things… uh… about our relationship.” Nerd blushed more as Critic’s face grew pale.
“W-what things?”
“Can you believe these two got back together at a Renaissance Faire? Who even knew you could have sex in a pile of hay without having an allergy attack to kill the mood or something, am I right?”
“When we get back, I am killing him,” Critic hissed to Nerd, who was too busy covering his face to respond.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Critic looked out the small, round window of the plane and downed his third mini-bottle of alcohol.
“I still can’t believe my whole family knows we did it at a Renaissance Faire, and a coffee shop bathroom, and in the fucking woods, and all those other places. Now I won’t be able to look my mom in the eye for a year, and I’m going to have to block the congratulatory texts from my dad and brother. Do you know how inappropriate they’re going to be about this?”
“Doug, you have to just let it go,” Nerd said, patting his arm consolingly. “Mike didn’t mean to do any harm, he was just trying to be funny. You know his sense of humor is fucked up.”
“I don’t know how you can still defend him,” Critic murmured as he turned back to Nerd. “Aren’t you still mortified?”
“Well, yeah, a little,” Nerd admitted. “But my family’s not the type to focus on shit like that. Once we get back and show them all the pictures and the scrapbook we make, they’re only going to remember the lovely ceremony and the wonderful dance and the delicious cake, and not what Mike said in his fucking speech.”
“Especially not once I get my hand on that wedding video,” Critic said, determined to edit out almost all of that idiot’s presence.
“So let’s not focus on it either, sweetie,” Nerd said, catching Critic’s chin and pulling him close for a gentle kiss. “We’re going to be on this plane for about ten hours before we reach Barcelona, so let’s try to not get drunk and pouty, and have some fun instead.”
“Fun you say?” Critic’s expression grew hungry as he leaned over and kissed Nerd again, deeper and longer this time, fully exploring the mouth he’d been missing for seven painfully long days. “I have lots of ideas for how to have fun now that we’re officially married.” He kissed him again, and allowed his hands to move, running all along Nerd’s face and chest, down to his stomach, before he reached for his belt.
“Oh, D-doug, wait,” Nerd said, panting a little as he pulled back. “I know you’ve been waiting for this, but I was sort of hoping our first time together as a married couple could be someplace special… like in Spain.” He looked adorably apologetic, but Critic couldn’t help growling with frustration.
“You want me to wait ten fucking hours? Why isn’t a plane a special place to do it? It’s totally special and romantic,” Critic insisted. “Just imagine the two of us together, as the clouds and the birds pass by below us-that’s romantic as hell! Oh, and we could join the mile-high club! Not many people have done that! Spoony would be totally jealous of me then.” Critic chuckled as he imagined the look on Spoony’s face. “Beat that, asshole!”
“As charming an idea as having sex in an airplane bathroom just to one-up Spoony really is,” Nerd snarked, “I still don’t know about this, Doug. Bathrooms up here are so damn small and hard to maneuver around in, and there is a huge risk of getting caught. I don’t want someone we’re stuck with for the next ten hours getting pissed off at us.”
“James, honey, there are barely any people up here in first class,” Critic pointed out as he gestured to just four others in their section. “The risk of getting caught is so small, and you look so good right now, in your tux and with that bowtie.” Critic used his most effective weapon, his pleading eyes, and Nerd predictably melted like warm butter.
“All right, fine, we can do it in the fucking bathroom. Just… wait five minutes after I leave to meet me there.” Critic nodded enthusiastically and watched Nerd slip out of his seat and into one of the bathrooms with glee.
“Okay, here we go. I’ve waited an entire week, so five minutes will be nothing. I’ll just recline back in my chair and look out the window as precious time slips by.”
Nerd ended up waiting for half an hour in the lavatory until he finally returned to his seat, very irritated.
“What the fucking hell, Doug? What the fuck are you-?”
He stopped when he realized Critic was sound asleep in his seat and snoring loudly, still clenching a bottle of alcohol in one hand. Nerd melted again and sat back down beside him, resting his head against Critic’s shoulder.
“Aw, poor baby. I guess you were exhausted from everything that happened today. You need your rest, so I’ll just let you sleep for the trip. I’m actually feeling tired myself.” Nerd yawned and closed his eyes before drifting off as well.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
“For the third time, Doug, yes, we can do it in the fucking bathroom on the trip back.”
“Can’t believe you let me sleep for the whole fucking flight.”
“You were exhausted, sweetie. You needed that rest. Besides, don’t you feel refreshed and invigorated and ready to do lots of fun activities now?”
The door to the finest hotel in Barcelona flew open as Critic burst inside, dragging along his luggage and his husband behind him as he sped over to the reception desk.
“Honeymoon Suite, buster, now!” he demanded as he flung his wallet onto the counter. “Here’s everything I got, IDs, passport, cash, credit cards-just take it and give me my damn room key!”
“Doug! Come on, be fucking polite at least.” Nerd smiled at the confused receptionist and told him in Spanish what room they were registered for. Critic watched him, impressed.
“I didn’t know you could speak Spanish.”
“Oh, you’ll find out lots of things about me now, sweetie.” Nerd laughed and picked up the key. The second it was in his hand, Critic picked Nerd up, slung him over his shoulder, and dashed for the elevator, not caring how badly his luggage was banged up in the process.
“Come on, stupid thing,” he said as he jabbed the button several times in quick succession.
“H-hey, Doug, let me down,” Nerd said, already blushing brightly as he noticed the odd stares they were receiving from everyone in the lobby.
“Not until I have a bed in front of me,” Critic said, his eyes lighting up as the elevator arrived. “Finally.”
He made it to their room, unlocked and re-locked the door, unplugged the room phone, shut off their cell phones, closed the curtains, and gently laid Nerd down onto their gaudy, heart-shaped bed in under a minute.
“Okay… okay… that’s everything,” Critic panted, wiping away several beads of sweat that had collected on his brow. Nerd looked up at him in concern.
“Sweetie, you okay? You want to lie down and rest for a minute?”
“Lie down, yes. Rest? Hell no.” Critic tore off his suit without managing to snap off even a button before diving onto the bed and tearing off Nerd’s clothes.
“D-doug, calm down… oh… oh God… oh Doug… oh holy fuck…”
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Even now, Nerd can’t really remember everything that happened on the first night of their trip to Spain. The clearest memories he has are of being tied to the bed at some point, the sensation of baby oil being rubbed against his skin, and Critic using his tongue in more ways than Nerd thought humanly possible.
Critic can recall every moment of this night in precise detail.
I hope you like this, my friend! Merry Christmas!
Critic can’t remember most things that happen to him on daily basis, which he knows is unusual for a man in his line of work. Spies who can’t recall particulars of missions don’t usually live long. However, he has made do, despite memory never being his strong suit, which Nerd can strongly attest to. Even on the most memorable day of his life, his wedding to Nerd, Critic can only vaguely recall what happened and often has to ask Nerd for details about specifics. Like what kind of cake did they eat, and what was the name of the man who officiated the ceremony again? Nerd always rolls his eyes and smiles before answering these questions. For him, every detail of that day is etched permanently into his mind.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
The alarm went off and Nerd leapt out of bed, wearing a smile so wide that his cheeks would normally be aching. But they weren’t today. Nothing could hurt him today.
He shut off the noisy alarm and opened the curtains of his hotel room, smiling even more when he realized the sun was shining down and there wasn’t one cloud in the sky.
“Wow. The world looks so fucking beautiful right now.” A sense of giddiness coursed through Nerd’s veins and he felt like he was floating rather than walking into the bathroom to shower, shave, and comb his hair.
“I wonder if I have time to eat,” he mused when he was finished, checking his watch. He was actually fifteen minutes ahead of schedule, so there was plenty of time to grab a complimentary muffin from the breakfast buffet.
“Perfect.” Nerd hurried downstairs and headed toward the lobby, intent on gathering his muffin and a cup of coffee, when he spotted three familiar men already sitting there and shoveling as much food as they could into their mouths. “Guys, save some of that for the actual guests here,” he scolded, but his smile showed that he didn’t really mind.
“Hey, there he is!” Kyle and Mike swallowed their Danishes and bagels before standing up to pull Nerd into a giant hug. Pat, who was curled up in a ball on one of the lobby’s couches, nodded his head up at Nerd but seemed unwilling to move further.
“It’s finally the big day,” Kyle said, his smile matching Nerd’s. “I’m so happy for you.” Nerd beamed.
“Thanks, Kyle.”
“How are you feeling, man?” Mike asked.
“I’m so fucking nervous, but also really excited,” Nerd admitted, looking down for a moment.
“What? What are you nervous for?” Mike asked, his voice gently teasing. “Are you afraid you won’t fit into your dress?”
“Shut up, mother-fucker,” Nerd laughed, shoving Mike back playfully. “You know what I mean. Today’s going to be great, I know that, but I still can’t help but worry. What if it starts raining before the ceremony’s over? What if we get in accident on the way there? What if he… what if he changes his mind?”
“James, come on, you know that wouldn’t happen,” Kyle said, once again donning the voice of reason. “After everything you’ve been through together, there’s no way Doug will change his mind. He loves you so damn much, and there’s nothing that will ever change his feelings for you.”
“Yeah, don’t worry yourself with shitty thoughts like that,” Mike added. “I’ve never seen anyone look at you the way he does, James. He’s got it bad for you.”
“Thanks, guys,” Nerd said, his face coloring a little as he pulled them in for another hug. “I don’t know how I could make it through today if I didn’t have you.”
“That’s right,” Kyle said, adjusting the strap to his guitar case. “We’re practically indispensible. I’ve finished my song list for your reception and I can’t wait for you two to hear my selections!”
“And I’ve finished my toast,” Mike said as he pulled a folded piece of paper from his pocket. “Prepare to laugh your ass off, buddy.”
“And Pat-” Kyle turned toward the still-horizontal young man and frowned. “Pat, dude. Get up and tell James about what you’ve done for today.”
“Ohhh… I pray for death,” Pat moaned, closing his eyes and holding his head.
“Pat? Are you okay?” Nerd asked, looking at him in concern.
“Oh, ignore him, he’s fine,” Mike dismissed. “He’s still just hung-over from your bachelor party.”
“But that was three nights ago.”
“I went out again last night to celebrate in your honor, man,” Pat explained before collapsing. Mike rolled his eyes.
“Okay, thanks for being a fucking load, Pat. Don’t worry about him, James,” he said before Nerd could move, “you just go back upstairs and get dressed. Kyle, you go help him. I’ll take this pathetic asshole back to the car and wait for you.”
“Got it.” Even the sight of Pat stopping to throw up all over the entrance to the hotel couldn’t put a damper on Nerd’s good mood. Sure, he’d have to pay to have it cleaned, but all Nerd could think about was having checks with Mr. James Rolfe-Walker emblazoned upon them. The giddiness quickly returned.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Critic lay flat on his back on the bed in his apartment that felt much too big for him now that he was used to sharing it with someone. His eyes were bloodshot since he hadn’t slept much at all for the past few days. He glanced at his alarm, noted there was still another hour before he needed to officially wake up, and sighed.
“This is all your fault, James. Why did you have to make me agree to that fucking idea?”
That ‘fucking idea’ was one Nerd had heard about from one of those shows about relationships he was always watching.
Apparently, some couples liked to spend time apart before entering into matrimony, mainly by sleeping alone and not engaging in any of their more intimate activities until the honeymoon began. Nerd had been intrigued by this idea and asked if Critic wouldn’t mind spending the week before their wedding sleeping in different beds and halting all sexual activity.
Critic had agreed without much persuading, since he pretty much agreed to anything that would make Nerd happy at this point, and after spending hours failing to convince him that he would behave if Nerd just spent the week in his spare bedroom, booked a hotel room for his intended.
His first night alone, Critic didn’t take long to realize what he had agreed to give up for a week. It wasn’t just the sex, even though that was a huge part of it, because Nerd was the best fucking lay he’d ever had; it was that he missed having Nerd next to him. He missed feeling a warm, soft body beside him when he tossed and turned, he missed listening to Nerd’s gentle breathing, he missed waking up with sore limbs because Nerd had accidentally fallen asleep on top of his arm.
Critic especially missed being able to reach out and touch him whenever he wanted. He loved nothing more than touching Nerd all over his body, from his pale pink lips down to his even paler chest and stomach, his milky thighs, his slender legs, his tight little ass…
“Oh fuck.” Critic shut his eyes and tried to calm down as he grew aroused yet again. Ever since he and Nerd had stopped having sex, he found himself getting hard almost twice as often as before. Even though he knew promised to be good for this one week, Critic struggled to control himself on more than one occasion. The best method for calming down was to shock his body, either with pain or extreme temperatures, which is why Critic had taken five cold showers in the past seven days and ‘accidentally’ spilled hot soup on himself twice.
“I don’t have long now,” Critic told himself as he tried to think of the un-sexiest thoughts he could. “Just get to tonight, and it’ll all be worth it.” He spent the rest of that hour lying still, trying not to think about anything, while images of his fiancée in various states of undress and sexual positions flitted through his mind. When the alarm finally sounded, Critic threw his clock radio onto the ground before racing into the bathroom for his sixth non-heated shower.
After freezing his ass off for fifteen minutes, Critic finally dried himself and started to prepare for the day. He looked at the bags under his reddened eyes in the mirror as he shaved, and sighed.
“Maybe I can wear sunglasses. I’m sure James wouldn’t mind that too much.”
A knock on his door startled Critic into slicing his cheek and he cursed loudly before sticking a piece of toilet paper to the wound.
“Come in!”
“Hey, baby brother! How you feeling?” The Other Guy walked into the apartment, impeccably dressed and smiling much too brightly for such an early hour. “You must be excited for the big day, huh?”
“Rob, look at me.” Critic turned to his brother and gestured to his face. “On a scale of 1-10, 1 being Tommy Wiseau with the mumps, how shitty is my face right now?” The Other Guy pursed his lips and moved closer to better examine his brother’s face.
“Eh, I’d give you a three, but then again, I’d give you a four most days.” Critic pretended to laugh as he flipped him off.
“Honestly, how bad is it?”
“Honestly, you look fine. And even if you didn’t it wouldn’t matter, because James is going to marry you no matter how you look, so quit worrying about it and focus on getting ready.”
“I just wish this whole fucking thing was already over and done with,” Critic mumbled as he finished shaving. The Other Guy frowned a little at him.
“Wow, what a great attitude to have the day of your wedding,” he said, voice dripping with sarcasm. “It’s such a shame your future husband isn’t here to listen to such a lovely sentiment.”
“You know that’s not what I mean,” Critic said, wiping his face. “I want to marry James and spend my life with him. I’m just sick of all this wedding shit, and all the planning and the spending tons of money on clothes and food and flowers, and then organizing the honeymoon-”
“And the lack of sex,” the Other Guy chimed in. Critic’s face reddened at once.
“How the hell did you know that?”
“No steam,” he replied, gesturing to the mirror. “You were in the shower a while, but there’s no steam or heat in this room, which means it must have been a cold shower. As we all know, the only reason to take cold showers is to try and control a frustrated libido, dear brother.”
“I fucking hate you,” Critic muttered as he walked over to where his tuxedo was hanging.
“That’s why you made me your best man,” the Other Guy replied, smiling widely as he followed after him. “So hurry up and get ready. The sooner we leave, the sooner you see James, fly off to Spain, and most likely never leave your room for two weeks.”
“Yeah, all right,” Critic grumbled. The Other Guy watched him quietly for a moment.
“So, have you heard about all those nude beaches they have in Spain?” Critic froze for a moment before rushing back into his bathroom.
“Fuck you so hard, Rob.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Critic thought the rest of the day would pass as slowly as the previous week had, but in actuality, it went by so fast that it almost seemed like a blur of hugs and pats on the back and long, often boring amounts of talking. When he and his brother arrived at the park where the ceremony was to be held, his parents first captured him, his mom hugging him so tightly Critic almost couldn’t breathe for a moment, his dad patting his shoulder so hard it began to feel sore.
“We are all so happy for you,” his mom kept repeating while dabbing at her eyes with a tissue.
“You really proved us wrong,” his dad said, smiling proudly. “We always thought we’d be at your brother’s wedding first. I was getting prepared to introduce you as my bachelor son for the rest of your life.”
“Thanks for the vote of confidence, dad,” Critic muttered before being embraced by his mother yet again.
Then there was Nerd’s family, his parents and younger sister, Katie. All three of them were crying as they pulled Critic into a group hug.
“You’re such a lovely young man,” Nerd’s mom bawled.
“We know you’ll take good care of our boy,” Nerd’s dad also bawled.
“I’m so glad James has found someone who loves him so dearly,” Katie whispered before hugging him even tighter.
“Uh, thank you?” Critic asked rather than said, since he always felt nervous around sobbing people. “Uh, Rob, can you come help me here?”
Once Nerd’s family had been seated, Critic found himself crushed in a hug by Linkara.
“I am so proud of you,” the comic lover told him while Spoony offered his own pat on the back. “I never thought you were going to mature, Critic, but you have certainly proven me wrong, and I couldn’t be happier.”
“So, I’ve apparently inspired no confidence in either my friends or family members,” Critic said with a frown. “Not exactly a great tone to set before one of the most important days of my life.”
“Aw, don’t sweat it, man,” Spoony told him with a grin. “No one had much confidence in me either, and look at my life now. I have a great job and a great guy,” he swung an arm over Linkara’s shoulder as he said this, “and things are just going to get better for me. They will for you too, once you finally have that ball-and-chain tied to your ankle.”
“Spoony,” Linkara scolded, but Critic just laughed.
“Yeah, you’re right, man. After today, everything in my life will be better. Thanks.”
“No problem.” Spoony seemed amused by the disapproving look on Linkara’s face, so the Other Guy quickly sat them down before they could start arguing. Then Critic was swarmed by Nerd’s idiotic friends and had to force himself not to snap when they pulled him into yet another group hug.
“Looking good, man,” Kyle said with a nod. “James picked out great suits for you two. I really love the red bowtie.”
“Yeah, you can do a lot of fun stuff with bowties,” Mike said, giving Critic a knowing look. “Bondage, erotic asphyxiation, light whipping-it’s amazing how versatile they are.”
“I still pray for death,” Pat moaned, looking like he was ready to hurl again.
“Well, that was mostly inappropriate and unsettling,” Critic said, his cheerful tone not matching the look of disgust he wore. “Thanks for coming.”
He thanked a few other friends and relatives before finally laying eyes on Nerd. Kyle had been right, James did pick out great suits. He looked handsome and adorable all at once dressed in a stylish black tux, and he sported a blue bowtie that matched his lovely blue eyes.
“Wow,” Critic said softly, moving closer to him without realizing.
“Uh, hold on there,” the Other Guy said, grabbing his arm and stopping his progress. “First the ceremony, then the reception, then he’s all yours.” Critic surprised his brother then by nodding and smiling.
“I know.”
The ceremony also passed by so quickly that Critic still barely remembers any of it. First, the officiator welcomed everyone for coming to join them on this wonderful day, then he talked about love and how it came in all shapes and forms, blah blah blah, together forever, to love, honor, and cherish each other. Then Katie read some poem that Critic couldn’t focus on since he was so busy staring at Nerd and how good he looked in that suit. Critic decided he would add a butler-scenario to their regular role-playing fantasy nights.
Finally, it was time for their vows. Nerd went first.
“I knew I loved you the first time I ever met you,” he said, blushing slightly as he stared into Critic’s eyes. “I know that sounds stupid and ridiculous, but it’s true. Just from that first meeting, I knew… that I didn’t want to be with anyone but you, Doug.” Critic smiled as he remembered their first encounter and nodded along as Nerd spoke. “But I also knew it would be a battle to find out if you felt the same way about me,” he continued, fiddling with his hands a little. “And it was a damn long battle, and it almost seemed pointless at times. You never make anything easy, Doug, including letting yourself give and accept love.”
“James,” Critic said softly, looking down. He did still carry around the guilt from how they struggled to become a true couple, especially because the struggle was mostly his fault. He had denied feeling anything more than lust for Nerd for such a long time that he’d almost destroyed their relationship, and he’d hurt Nerd more times than he wanted to admit because of his selfishness.
“But I never gave up,” Nerd continued, his smile shining so brightly now that when Critic looked back up at him he couldn’t tear his eyes away. “I never stopped loving you, Doug, and the day you told me you loved me too was the happiest day of my life. Well, until today, that is.” Nerd stepped closer to him and reached out to take his hand. “Today I vow to stay by your side for the rest of our lives, Doug. I always have and I always will love you.”
Critic cleared his throat and wiped his eyes, which gave the wedding guests a chance to wipe their own eyes and hug each other again. Then he spoke.
“James, you are literally the best thing to ever happen to my life. Before I met you, I was this immature, selfish, awful jerk. And when I first met you I was… well, pretty much still that. I never thought about anything serious, like love or the future. That all seemed like meaningless crap compared to doing what I wanted and pleasing only myself. When I first met you, that’s what I thought I was doing-using you to please myself. I knew… I knew you loved me early on,” he admitted, looking down again in shame. “You were never good at hiding your emotions and I knew that behind your “I-don’t-care” attitude you honestly loved me, and I… well, let’s just say I was an awful jerk about that.”
“Doug, you weren’t,” Nerd tried to say, but Critic shook his head.
“I was. I know it and even if you won’t admit it out loud, I know you realize it too. I was awful because I was afraid that I might start feeling the same way. Actually, I did feel the same way, but I refused to admit it to even myself. I don’t know how you put up with me for so long, James, or how you continue to do it now, but I’m… so grateful.” Critic’s voice wavered as he teared up again. “I’m so grateful that someone as amazing and wonderful as you cares about me at all. I don’t deserve you, but I vow to spend the rest of my life doing everything I can until I do deserve you. I promise I’ll never hurt you again, James, because I love you so much… so much that it hurts to imagine my life without you now. This past week was painful enough-I now physically suffer if I’m apart from you. So thank you, James. Thank you for loving me.”
Nerd was sobbing himself by now and he lunged at Critic, hugging him so tightly that Critic definitely couldn’t breathe for a few minutes. This time Critic didn’t mind. It still felt better than what he’d experienced during the past week.
Then the Other Guy brought over the rings. “With this ring, I thee wed,” they each said as they slipped the gold band onto their left ring fingers.
“I am proud to announce you husband and husband,” the officiator declared. “You may now kiss your groom.”
The guests broke into delighted cries and tighter hugs when Critic pulled Nerd close and finally relaxed as he felt those soft, warm lips pressed against his. This was how it should be.
This was what made the world right.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
At the reception, Critic could barely keep his eyes open.
“Doug, are you sure you don’t want to leave early?” Nerd asked, giving him a concerned look. Critic stifled a yawn as he shook his head.
“What? No, I’m fine. Really.”
“But you’ve barely touched your plate,” Nerd said, gesturing to Critic’s uneaten steak.
“I’m just… too excited to eat,” Critic mumbled. He reached for a glass of champagne and quickly guzzled it down.
“You’re a terrible liar when you’re tired,” Nerd told him with a grin.
“You’re a terrible liar all the time,” Critic replied, also grinning. Nerd laughed and swatted his arm. “Honestly, I’m fine staying. I know you’re having a good time listening to Kyle play and watching everyone dance and talk together.”
“Yeah, that is nice,” Nerd admitted as he glanced back out at the people chatting happily around him. “Although I would have an even better time if I got to dance as well.” He shot Critic a hopeful look.
“Aw, but I hate dancing,” Critic whined, poking at his steak a little. “You know I sucked at it that one time we went out to a club, James.”
“But this isn’t club dancing, it’s formal dancing,” Nerd insisted. “It’s really easy, Doug, all you have to do is hold me close and follow my lead.”
“I do like the holding you close part,” Critic conceded. “All right, one dance.”
Nerd was ecstatic as he led Critic onto the dance floor. Everyone cleared the area and Kyle started to strum and sing a slow ballad. Critic put one hand on Nerd’s shoulder and the other in Nerd’s own hand, and allowed himself to be guided across the room. He felt slightly embarrassed at his awkward steps and the few stumbles he made, but the joy on Nerd’s face kept his spirits up and he finished the dance to much applause.
“Okay, that’s my dancing for the decade,” he told Nerd as they headed back to their seats at the head table. “So, is it time for cake yet?”
“Almost sweetie, but first Mike’s giving his toast,” Nerd told him happily. Critic bit down on his tongue and nodded.
“That should be… not terrible... I think.”
“Okay, ladies and gentlemen, gather round to hear a tale,” Mike shouted into the microphone, which caused enough feedback to make everyone cringe. “This is Mother-fucker Mike speaking. I’m James’ best friend and the unofficial 2nd Best Man for this ceremony.”
“No you aren’t,” Critic muttered to himself.
“Now, I couldn’t be happier to see these two tie the knot,” Mike continued, still shouting. “Especially since Doug is so good at tying knots, right James?” He winked at him, and Nerd blushed.
‘What the hell is he talking about?” Critic asked, turning to Nerd in confusion.
“Uh, well, Mike might have over-heard me telling Kyle some things… uh… about our relationship.” Nerd blushed more as Critic’s face grew pale.
“W-what things?”
“Can you believe these two got back together at a Renaissance Faire? Who even knew you could have sex in a pile of hay without having an allergy attack to kill the mood or something, am I right?”
“When we get back, I am killing him,” Critic hissed to Nerd, who was too busy covering his face to respond.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Critic looked out the small, round window of the plane and downed his third mini-bottle of alcohol.
“I still can’t believe my whole family knows we did it at a Renaissance Faire, and a coffee shop bathroom, and in the fucking woods, and all those other places. Now I won’t be able to look my mom in the eye for a year, and I’m going to have to block the congratulatory texts from my dad and brother. Do you know how inappropriate they’re going to be about this?”
“Doug, you have to just let it go,” Nerd said, patting his arm consolingly. “Mike didn’t mean to do any harm, he was just trying to be funny. You know his sense of humor is fucked up.”
“I don’t know how you can still defend him,” Critic murmured as he turned back to Nerd. “Aren’t you still mortified?”
“Well, yeah, a little,” Nerd admitted. “But my family’s not the type to focus on shit like that. Once we get back and show them all the pictures and the scrapbook we make, they’re only going to remember the lovely ceremony and the wonderful dance and the delicious cake, and not what Mike said in his fucking speech.”
“Especially not once I get my hand on that wedding video,” Critic said, determined to edit out almost all of that idiot’s presence.
“So let’s not focus on it either, sweetie,” Nerd said, catching Critic’s chin and pulling him close for a gentle kiss. “We’re going to be on this plane for about ten hours before we reach Barcelona, so let’s try to not get drunk and pouty, and have some fun instead.”
“Fun you say?” Critic’s expression grew hungry as he leaned over and kissed Nerd again, deeper and longer this time, fully exploring the mouth he’d been missing for seven painfully long days. “I have lots of ideas for how to have fun now that we’re officially married.” He kissed him again, and allowed his hands to move, running all along Nerd’s face and chest, down to his stomach, before he reached for his belt.
“Oh, D-doug, wait,” Nerd said, panting a little as he pulled back. “I know you’ve been waiting for this, but I was sort of hoping our first time together as a married couple could be someplace special… like in Spain.” He looked adorably apologetic, but Critic couldn’t help growling with frustration.
“You want me to wait ten fucking hours? Why isn’t a plane a special place to do it? It’s totally special and romantic,” Critic insisted. “Just imagine the two of us together, as the clouds and the birds pass by below us-that’s romantic as hell! Oh, and we could join the mile-high club! Not many people have done that! Spoony would be totally jealous of me then.” Critic chuckled as he imagined the look on Spoony’s face. “Beat that, asshole!”
“As charming an idea as having sex in an airplane bathroom just to one-up Spoony really is,” Nerd snarked, “I still don’t know about this, Doug. Bathrooms up here are so damn small and hard to maneuver around in, and there is a huge risk of getting caught. I don’t want someone we’re stuck with for the next ten hours getting pissed off at us.”
“James, honey, there are barely any people up here in first class,” Critic pointed out as he gestured to just four others in their section. “The risk of getting caught is so small, and you look so good right now, in your tux and with that bowtie.” Critic used his most effective weapon, his pleading eyes, and Nerd predictably melted like warm butter.
“All right, fine, we can do it in the fucking bathroom. Just… wait five minutes after I leave to meet me there.” Critic nodded enthusiastically and watched Nerd slip out of his seat and into one of the bathrooms with glee.
“Okay, here we go. I’ve waited an entire week, so five minutes will be nothing. I’ll just recline back in my chair and look out the window as precious time slips by.”
Nerd ended up waiting for half an hour in the lavatory until he finally returned to his seat, very irritated.
“What the fucking hell, Doug? What the fuck are you-?”
He stopped when he realized Critic was sound asleep in his seat and snoring loudly, still clenching a bottle of alcohol in one hand. Nerd melted again and sat back down beside him, resting his head against Critic’s shoulder.
“Aw, poor baby. I guess you were exhausted from everything that happened today. You need your rest, so I’ll just let you sleep for the trip. I’m actually feeling tired myself.” Nerd yawned and closed his eyes before drifting off as well.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
“For the third time, Doug, yes, we can do it in the fucking bathroom on the trip back.”
“Can’t believe you let me sleep for the whole fucking flight.”
“You were exhausted, sweetie. You needed that rest. Besides, don’t you feel refreshed and invigorated and ready to do lots of fun activities now?”
The door to the finest hotel in Barcelona flew open as Critic burst inside, dragging along his luggage and his husband behind him as he sped over to the reception desk.
“Honeymoon Suite, buster, now!” he demanded as he flung his wallet onto the counter. “Here’s everything I got, IDs, passport, cash, credit cards-just take it and give me my damn room key!”
“Doug! Come on, be fucking polite at least.” Nerd smiled at the confused receptionist and told him in Spanish what room they were registered for. Critic watched him, impressed.
“I didn’t know you could speak Spanish.”
“Oh, you’ll find out lots of things about me now, sweetie.” Nerd laughed and picked up the key. The second it was in his hand, Critic picked Nerd up, slung him over his shoulder, and dashed for the elevator, not caring how badly his luggage was banged up in the process.
“Come on, stupid thing,” he said as he jabbed the button several times in quick succession.
“H-hey, Doug, let me down,” Nerd said, already blushing brightly as he noticed the odd stares they were receiving from everyone in the lobby.
“Not until I have a bed in front of me,” Critic said, his eyes lighting up as the elevator arrived. “Finally.”
He made it to their room, unlocked and re-locked the door, unplugged the room phone, shut off their cell phones, closed the curtains, and gently laid Nerd down onto their gaudy, heart-shaped bed in under a minute.
“Okay… okay… that’s everything,” Critic panted, wiping away several beads of sweat that had collected on his brow. Nerd looked up at him in concern.
“Sweetie, you okay? You want to lie down and rest for a minute?”
“Lie down, yes. Rest? Hell no.” Critic tore off his suit without managing to snap off even a button before diving onto the bed and tearing off Nerd’s clothes.
“D-doug, calm down… oh… oh God… oh Doug… oh holy fuck…”
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Even now, Nerd can’t really remember everything that happened on the first night of their trip to Spain. The clearest memories he has are of being tied to the bed at some point, the sensation of baby oil being rubbed against his skin, and Critic using his tongue in more ways than Nerd thought humanly possible.
Critic can recall every moment of this night in precise detail.