The Nature of Masochism
I have invested a lot in something that, from the beginning, I knew to have no future. Was it courageous of me to give it a fighting chance, or was it desperate? Is my need for companionship so great that I fall on my sword, or is it that sick, masochistic need to suffer manifesting in me again? The same need that has driven me to sabotage nearly every great thing I have enjoyed in life, because deep down, I felt I never deserved to be happy.
Make no mistake, I have not enjoyed this. I wrote above of something that “felt right”. The fact is, outside of small, isolated moments, it never did. I created a fantasy in my mind of what “could be” if only the details of life were shifted in small but meaningful ways. What “could be” if only I waited a little longer, how things could change. I HAVE LIVED MY ENTIRE LIFE WAITING FOR SOMETHING. This is a sickness that I should not cling to. In prison I learned to live in the moment. I must restore that serenity to my life as soon as possible.
Perhaps I have not acted upon this knowledge sooner because the idea is incompatible with my romantic ideals. Being martyred for tragic unrequited love is not smart by any stretch, but it sure seems sweet. Living in the moment is kind of scary too, I think, because it implies a certain level of social comfort that I simply do not possess at this moment. I am still the same awkward outcast I have always chosen to be. It seems easier to suffer, because it’s what I do best. Trying something new is intimidating, and it takes real courage.
My recent patterns paint a very clear picture. I am a wounded bird, one that wants to be loved and nurtured in a relationship of equality. I’m wise enough now to recognize imbalance, but still dumb enough to think that the universe will help to restore harmony. Unfortunately, I am realizing that the universe cannot reconcile two basic incompatibilities. Two people can seem so perfectly matched, have so many things in common, and yet have completely different wants and needs.
So now that I’m aware of what I want (by means of eliminating through experience the things that I do NOT want), I’m facing an unfortunate prevailing trend. It seems those who are “looking” for love do not easily find it. I know that desperately longing and seeking something will only cause me to project illusions onto any eligible figure that may be available on any given day. Does this invalidate what I feel? Is it made somehow less real? Absolutely; because this desire is born of a need to appease a starving ego. What I really want, what would be HEALTHY, would be to shed the ego that draws me into this sick spiral and only then could I be open to the fruits of a truly meaningful union. And until I do, it occurs to me that every relationship I engage in will be built on a poor foundation indeed… doomed to collapse, and soon. Besides that, without the burden of my ego, my craving for romantic companionship would probably be minimal at most.
At first I thought that perhaps becoming more social would be an apt solution, or at least a good first step. Thinking about it though, it seems like surrounding myself with more people and distractions would only deepen my confusion. I would probably end up getting involved emotionally with another girl-the wrong kind of girl, to be sure-and would “wake up” months later to have these same realizations ALL OVER AGAIN and believe me, this is not the first time. Maybe Bill Murray had it right in Groundhog Day. I’m doomed to relive “today”, this cycle, until I redefine myself in some meaningful way.
I don’t know how to be social anyway. I feel so distant from others. Sometimes I feel elevated above them in some way, other times I feel too different to connect, and most of the time I am simply too apathetic to be bothered trying regardless of potential outcome. So with a few exceptions, instead of having meaningful relationships with people, I have surface relationships in which I am generally so uncomfortable that when confronted with company I am usually just looking for a reason to leave. So clearly, I don’t need to increase the quantity of my social relationships; I need to develop the quality.
So what other aspects of life can I examine “In Search Of” the panacea I seek? I believe that searching the external world will fail to produce the long-term results I seek, which ultimately is happiness and fulfillment. The world I must examine hides in darkness unseen; it is not the brain, body, nor spirit; it is the ethereal idea forged between all three, what is called the mind. Due to its intangible quality, it can only be examined indirectly, and is difficult to manipulate. My lack of appropriate discipline has led me to fail in making lasting changes that would affect this aspect of my reality.
In spite of the above, it turns out there is yet hope, because damn me, I’m getting older and somewhat wiser. Perhaps this time I will succeed. Maybe the trick is to see clearly; to stay “aware” enough on a daily basis to recognize the difference between the ego’s impulsive demands and clear, lucid, rational decisions. Unfortunately, this is very difficult for a manic motherfucker like me. I get caught up in small, insignificant issues and overanalyze every detail, thus causing myself to vacillate emotionally with a tendency toward the extreme negative.
I would like to think that my emotional state should be unaffected by my surrounding environment, and I suppose more often than not it isn’t, but I have not yet learned to maintain that harmony at all times. Thus, due to the chaos in my life at present, I can only reasonably expect to experience flux in my emotional state as well. When I have achieved a better measure of stability and, sad to say, control-I will be less prone to neurotic behavior. In fact, it was this theory that drove me to cling so stubbornly to the idea of this relationship. I have continued to tell myself that the experience will be much better, and quite worth the wait, later on down the road.
To say it would be worth the wait would imply, however, that my interest is shared. Every day it becomes clearer that there is very little reciprocity in play. That’s what makes it so hard, feeling as though I’m struggling for something alone, trying to make sacrifices and efforts that come across as unappreciated and probably undeserved. Reading this without perspective on the situation probably makes this woman seem rather cold, but I don’t think that’s really the case. We just want different things. I wish I had understood that sooner. I wouldn’t have invested so much if I hadn’t been smitten by so many mixed signals. I don’t think she knows what she wants. Until she does, I think I will have to carefully distance myself.
I have this feeling that the passion and fire that we both felt first may have been muted by this situation’s many undesirable realities. I have often said that compatibility is as circumstantial as it is chemical. There are many variables in life, and any of them can choke or prevent a relationship if allowed. With that said, it seems silly to choose a situation with preexisting unfavorable circumstances. It’s hard enough dealing with issues that come up in a relationship that’s healthy and strong. It seems almost futile to try when things are not going well in the beginning.
I hate to be the one giving up on something, and I would normally fight through to the end. I don’t like having unanswered “what if” questions in my mind. But the fact is, we were never together to begin with… we were just a mess of complicated, unsorted, unresolved feelings. I write this now in an attempt to resolve them once and for all. It helps me to pen my thoughts and organize them. Once I do, it seems my subconscious is able to accept the truth of the matter and move on. I’ve had enough of these terrible dreams, these sleepless nights, this incessant daytime anxiety, these ubiquitous repetitive thoughts, and these dire feelings of inadequacy and jealousy. It’s almost funny that I’m willing to take all of that for a few short moments of bliss. This is enough. Really.
I tried to be “all-or-nothing” about this the first time. I cut ties with her once before, for different reasons. And this, a very different situation, demands a different approach. I will attempt to remain friendly with her, accepting the impossibility of us being “more” anytime in the immediate future and thus suspending the growing affectation I have toward her. I believe I have been making things quite weird by becoming so attached, so no doubt I am mostly to blame for her distance of late. This separation of emotional complication from our communications will help that, I think.
In Siddha Yoga they teach us to revisit old lessons. Perspective changes through the experience of life, so upon later reexamination there is invariably something new to take away. I find this to be true for all things in life. Though it feels like I have been through something like this before, I am at a point now to grow in a new way, and so I find myself very thankful for what has transpired. It is refreshing, because in this moment I feel truly alive. I am grateful to her for playing this role now, and I am eager to see what role she will play later. Interesting how people mean different things to each other throughout this cosmic shared experience. Shakespeare had the right idea in As You Like It: “All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players; they have their exits and their entrances, and one man in his time plays many parts, his acts being seven ages.”
Make no mistake, I have not enjoyed this. I wrote above of something that “felt right”. The fact is, outside of small, isolated moments, it never did. I created a fantasy in my mind of what “could be” if only the details of life were shifted in small but meaningful ways. What “could be” if only I waited a little longer, how things could change. I HAVE LIVED MY ENTIRE LIFE WAITING FOR SOMETHING. This is a sickness that I should not cling to. In prison I learned to live in the moment. I must restore that serenity to my life as soon as possible.
Perhaps I have not acted upon this knowledge sooner because the idea is incompatible with my romantic ideals. Being martyred for tragic unrequited love is not smart by any stretch, but it sure seems sweet. Living in the moment is kind of scary too, I think, because it implies a certain level of social comfort that I simply do not possess at this moment. I am still the same awkward outcast I have always chosen to be. It seems easier to suffer, because it’s what I do best. Trying something new is intimidating, and it takes real courage.
My recent patterns paint a very clear picture. I am a wounded bird, one that wants to be loved and nurtured in a relationship of equality. I’m wise enough now to recognize imbalance, but still dumb enough to think that the universe will help to restore harmony. Unfortunately, I am realizing that the universe cannot reconcile two basic incompatibilities. Two people can seem so perfectly matched, have so many things in common, and yet have completely different wants and needs.
So now that I’m aware of what I want (by means of eliminating through experience the things that I do NOT want), I’m facing an unfortunate prevailing trend. It seems those who are “looking” for love do not easily find it. I know that desperately longing and seeking something will only cause me to project illusions onto any eligible figure that may be available on any given day. Does this invalidate what I feel? Is it made somehow less real? Absolutely; because this desire is born of a need to appease a starving ego. What I really want, what would be HEALTHY, would be to shed the ego that draws me into this sick spiral and only then could I be open to the fruits of a truly meaningful union. And until I do, it occurs to me that every relationship I engage in will be built on a poor foundation indeed… doomed to collapse, and soon. Besides that, without the burden of my ego, my craving for romantic companionship would probably be minimal at most.
At first I thought that perhaps becoming more social would be an apt solution, or at least a good first step. Thinking about it though, it seems like surrounding myself with more people and distractions would only deepen my confusion. I would probably end up getting involved emotionally with another girl-the wrong kind of girl, to be sure-and would “wake up” months later to have these same realizations ALL OVER AGAIN and believe me, this is not the first time. Maybe Bill Murray had it right in Groundhog Day. I’m doomed to relive “today”, this cycle, until I redefine myself in some meaningful way.
I don’t know how to be social anyway. I feel so distant from others. Sometimes I feel elevated above them in some way, other times I feel too different to connect, and most of the time I am simply too apathetic to be bothered trying regardless of potential outcome. So with a few exceptions, instead of having meaningful relationships with people, I have surface relationships in which I am generally so uncomfortable that when confronted with company I am usually just looking for a reason to leave. So clearly, I don’t need to increase the quantity of my social relationships; I need to develop the quality.
So what other aspects of life can I examine “In Search Of” the panacea I seek? I believe that searching the external world will fail to produce the long-term results I seek, which ultimately is happiness and fulfillment. The world I must examine hides in darkness unseen; it is not the brain, body, nor spirit; it is the ethereal idea forged between all three, what is called the mind. Due to its intangible quality, it can only be examined indirectly, and is difficult to manipulate. My lack of appropriate discipline has led me to fail in making lasting changes that would affect this aspect of my reality.
In spite of the above, it turns out there is yet hope, because damn me, I’m getting older and somewhat wiser. Perhaps this time I will succeed. Maybe the trick is to see clearly; to stay “aware” enough on a daily basis to recognize the difference between the ego’s impulsive demands and clear, lucid, rational decisions. Unfortunately, this is very difficult for a manic motherfucker like me. I get caught up in small, insignificant issues and overanalyze every detail, thus causing myself to vacillate emotionally with a tendency toward the extreme negative.
I would like to think that my emotional state should be unaffected by my surrounding environment, and I suppose more often than not it isn’t, but I have not yet learned to maintain that harmony at all times. Thus, due to the chaos in my life at present, I can only reasonably expect to experience flux in my emotional state as well. When I have achieved a better measure of stability and, sad to say, control-I will be less prone to neurotic behavior. In fact, it was this theory that drove me to cling so stubbornly to the idea of this relationship. I have continued to tell myself that the experience will be much better, and quite worth the wait, later on down the road.
To say it would be worth the wait would imply, however, that my interest is shared. Every day it becomes clearer that there is very little reciprocity in play. That’s what makes it so hard, feeling as though I’m struggling for something alone, trying to make sacrifices and efforts that come across as unappreciated and probably undeserved. Reading this without perspective on the situation probably makes this woman seem rather cold, but I don’t think that’s really the case. We just want different things. I wish I had understood that sooner. I wouldn’t have invested so much if I hadn’t been smitten by so many mixed signals. I don’t think she knows what she wants. Until she does, I think I will have to carefully distance myself.
I have this feeling that the passion and fire that we both felt first may have been muted by this situation’s many undesirable realities. I have often said that compatibility is as circumstantial as it is chemical. There are many variables in life, and any of them can choke or prevent a relationship if allowed. With that said, it seems silly to choose a situation with preexisting unfavorable circumstances. It’s hard enough dealing with issues that come up in a relationship that’s healthy and strong. It seems almost futile to try when things are not going well in the beginning.
I hate to be the one giving up on something, and I would normally fight through to the end. I don’t like having unanswered “what if” questions in my mind. But the fact is, we were never together to begin with… we were just a mess of complicated, unsorted, unresolved feelings. I write this now in an attempt to resolve them once and for all. It helps me to pen my thoughts and organize them. Once I do, it seems my subconscious is able to accept the truth of the matter and move on. I’ve had enough of these terrible dreams, these sleepless nights, this incessant daytime anxiety, these ubiquitous repetitive thoughts, and these dire feelings of inadequacy and jealousy. It’s almost funny that I’m willing to take all of that for a few short moments of bliss. This is enough. Really.
I tried to be “all-or-nothing” about this the first time. I cut ties with her once before, for different reasons. And this, a very different situation, demands a different approach. I will attempt to remain friendly with her, accepting the impossibility of us being “more” anytime in the immediate future and thus suspending the growing affectation I have toward her. I believe I have been making things quite weird by becoming so attached, so no doubt I am mostly to blame for her distance of late. This separation of emotional complication from our communications will help that, I think.
In Siddha Yoga they teach us to revisit old lessons. Perspective changes through the experience of life, so upon later reexamination there is invariably something new to take away. I find this to be true for all things in life. Though it feels like I have been through something like this before, I am at a point now to grow in a new way, and so I find myself very thankful for what has transpired. It is refreshing, because in this moment I feel truly alive. I am grateful to her for playing this role now, and I am eager to see what role she will play later. Interesting how people mean different things to each other throughout this cosmic shared experience. Shakespeare had the right idea in As You Like It: “All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players; they have their exits and their entrances, and one man in his time plays many parts, his acts being seven ages.”