Heaven vs Hell 4
Staring out toward the road from the van as we drove, I told him, “Imagine how a tree grows from the ground, and picture each sinewy strand that comes together to compose the whole. Somewhere deep within that ‘tree’, in this universe, we travel. It seems we are at one such convergence now, and I can feel the pressure from its neighbors, a massive energetic force. I can see and feel it, in vibrant pulsing veins, like the very lifeblood of this realm, the magnificent force that binds it all together. That’s what it’s like.”
I had taken several hits of acid, but was still lucid enough to describe my intoxicated perspective. It was exceptionally clean. The patterns were not too blurred as to obscure reality into a fictional place - everything was still very real, very clear. I could still read, interact, talk, text, walk, dance, and think without much difficulty, and yet I still felt an intensely strong connection with the surrounding universe. Everything around me sparkled brilliantly, and within me I could feel the magnetic pull and presence of something ethereal and great.
We had been at the event Heaven vs Hell 4. It was March 12, 2011. Saturday night. We had arrived at 9pm and chose to leave early, around 12:30am. He had to work early the next day, and I was feeling quite alienated from the party. I could feel the vibe, the connection, while out on the dance floor, but walking around outside to cool off I felt very distant from everyone. I didn’t want to talk or associate with most of the people there. Even though I could articulate, I didn’t want to. I felt like an outsider. Most people were so young… the new generation of raver. A couple people came up to me and asked, “You’re new to this aren’t you?” I smirked and said, “Yeah, guess so.” I felt like a ghost from the past. I just didn’t belong.
Once home I began to relax. Got naked, stretched, drank orange juice, and watched Avatar on mute while listening to Loreena McKennitt. I remember thinking sober, watching that movie, “this would be great on acid”. It wasn’t. For some reason it seemed like a bad 3D rendering job. I was tuning in to the fact that it wasn’t real. I could not see the pulse of life in any element on the television, so I turned it off and focused outward. I felt kind of sick, and cold, so I stayed in bed curled up in a blanket studying my immediate environment carefully. I spent a lot of time with my eyes closed, focusing on the music.
My thoughts wandered, and I considered my life. The trip turned inward, a deep introspection. What began as something therapeutic and cathartic took on a darker tone. I felt intensely alone. I fell asleep in that state sometime past 4am. I considered something someone said to me recently, that she once admired me because I was always the leader, her only social competition. I began thinking about how much I have changed, how little drive I have to be social. I isolate, I thought - and I do it to myself with the attitude I carry. I push people away. I was not realizing this for the first time, but perhaps now through new eyes.
In retrospect upon the trip, I know there are many things holding me back from the social outlets I need. The lack of transportation, the unwillingness to burden, the emotional weight I carry from past experiences, varied fears and insecurities… and supposing these melt away as my position in the world improves, all will be well. I feel like I should be changing something internal and not depending on factors in the outside world, but I just don’t know how to do that right now. It will come to me, I suppose. Diligence, patience… time.
I had taken several hits of acid, but was still lucid enough to describe my intoxicated perspective. It was exceptionally clean. The patterns were not too blurred as to obscure reality into a fictional place - everything was still very real, very clear. I could still read, interact, talk, text, walk, dance, and think without much difficulty, and yet I still felt an intensely strong connection with the surrounding universe. Everything around me sparkled brilliantly, and within me I could feel the magnetic pull and presence of something ethereal and great.
We had been at the event Heaven vs Hell 4. It was March 12, 2011. Saturday night. We had arrived at 9pm and chose to leave early, around 12:30am. He had to work early the next day, and I was feeling quite alienated from the party. I could feel the vibe, the connection, while out on the dance floor, but walking around outside to cool off I felt very distant from everyone. I didn’t want to talk or associate with most of the people there. Even though I could articulate, I didn’t want to. I felt like an outsider. Most people were so young… the new generation of raver. A couple people came up to me and asked, “You’re new to this aren’t you?” I smirked and said, “Yeah, guess so.” I felt like a ghost from the past. I just didn’t belong.
Once home I began to relax. Got naked, stretched, drank orange juice, and watched Avatar on mute while listening to Loreena McKennitt. I remember thinking sober, watching that movie, “this would be great on acid”. It wasn’t. For some reason it seemed like a bad 3D rendering job. I was tuning in to the fact that it wasn’t real. I could not see the pulse of life in any element on the television, so I turned it off and focused outward. I felt kind of sick, and cold, so I stayed in bed curled up in a blanket studying my immediate environment carefully. I spent a lot of time with my eyes closed, focusing on the music.
My thoughts wandered, and I considered my life. The trip turned inward, a deep introspection. What began as something therapeutic and cathartic took on a darker tone. I felt intensely alone. I fell asleep in that state sometime past 4am. I considered something someone said to me recently, that she once admired me because I was always the leader, her only social competition. I began thinking about how much I have changed, how little drive I have to be social. I isolate, I thought - and I do it to myself with the attitude I carry. I push people away. I was not realizing this for the first time, but perhaps now through new eyes.
In retrospect upon the trip, I know there are many things holding me back from the social outlets I need. The lack of transportation, the unwillingness to burden, the emotional weight I carry from past experiences, varied fears and insecurities… and supposing these melt away as my position in the world improves, all will be well. I feel like I should be changing something internal and not depending on factors in the outside world, but I just don’t know how to do that right now. It will come to me, I suppose. Diligence, patience… time.