The Nature of Loneliness

Mar 05, 2011 15:57

In prison I could trace many transitional periods into tiny eras of change. I could identify and categorize them easily. Organizing my thoughts is important to me. I have a need to make sense of the world.

One of these eras consumed most of my time there. I call it The Recovery Era. I focused all of my energy on recovery - learning about it, applying principles in my life, and experiencing it. Upon my release, I had changed so many of my irrational beliefs that I felt prepared to take on the world. I seem to be relatively unaffected by day to day stress. Anything that upsets my cool is temporary at best.

Then I meet a girl, and even though we aren’t officially dating, it is still a relationship. I find that I am very confused by the permutation I am observing in my feelings and behavior.

I am made insecure by the uncertainty of this “relationship”. I want stability. I’m used to it, after all. Prison was little more than routine. I am not accustomed to so much unpredictable chaos as I’m confronted with now in the free world. But even so, my serenity holds when confronted with what I perceive as insignificant issues, such as having a bike stolen, or missing a bus. Only my exchange with this female seems to provoke an unchecked emotional response.

During the day I experience joy in so many forms. I appreciate so many tiny things, and am open and loving to the world. Not so much the people in it - I am still quite introverted and narrow in my view of who I will accept into my life. But I dance with the wind and smile at the sky, my dearest friends. This appreciation of elemental beauty would seemingly demand a balance - that old theory, what is up must come down - but it never comes in any extreme. Perhaps because with this woman there are so many unanswered questions in play, I am on the defensive. One can never be let down by the wind or the sky… but oh, by a woman, a man’s heart may seem to sing and weep all at once.

I have never been good at relationships. In some way, I have always failed. We reasoning organisms needlessly complicate the engine of life with our fragile, selfish egos. I am the king of complication. In The Recovery Era, I spent a lot of time analyzing my past relationships and drew conclusions about what character defect may have driven my attraction to incompatible people and situations, or what drove me to sabotage the situations that could have been fruitful. I had hoped to leave much of this “complication” behind.

Unfortunately, in spite of my self-discovery and elucidation, when I returned to the free world I rediscovered Loneliness. I staved off Loneliness with Lust. I thought that physical partnership would compliment my daily routine in such a way as to leave me barren of stress. Instead, I found myself growing emotional attachments to my lovers and I didn’t know how to handle it. I decided it would be healthier for me to have one steady lover.

With the exclusive nature of this partnership, my emotions became complicated quickly. On one hand, I thought to object on account of wanting to focus on my life and not become distracted by a relationship. On the other hand, I thought, why fight something that feels so right? And if I were to die tomorrow, wouldn’t I rather pass knowing I had dared? After all, what do I have to lose? I’ve experienced an awful lot of pain in this life. A little more certainly won’t stop me now. I have to try, damn my romantic heart. And so here I am.

caitlin, thoughts, relationships

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