The deepest seed.
I spent every day of last week with Tosha. I had slept only a few hours each night. I had been exhausted at work, but had fought through it without much trouble. The idea of seeing her again kept me so focused and inspired that it just didn't matter. I didn't make time to consider the simple truth of our union.
Now, I reflect.
Friday was mushrooms and ecstasy-an absolutely mind-blowing spiritual experience. Saturday was ecstasy and ketamine, which turned out to be unremarkable and frustrating due to a poorly planned environment. Sunday evening I was offered a little heroin to smoke, and since I've never administered it that way, I decided to try it. I was left feeling unsatisfied. Moving further into uncharted territory, late Sunday night I tried methadone insufflation. That shit hurts, and evidently it lasts for over 24 hours. I was fucked up all day at work on Monday.
Monday night after work I decided to manage Sunday's disappointment and bought some heroin of my own. I remembered snorting heroin had been such an amazing experience the first time, so I was looking forward to recording my thoughts and feelings on round two. Unfortunately, two major factors detracted significantly from my experience. First, I was still itching from the methadone the night before-obviously snorting heroin made it much worse. Second, I took more than I had planned (dosage can be difficult with black tar), and ended up rimming the lake of consciousness in a state that's usually referred to as “nodding”. That means I couldn't really focus on or identify my feelings. I just wanted to lay down and pass out.
Tuesday and Wednesday were dedicated to ketamine. Thursday I attended the poetry slam and remained sober-until I returned home. More ketamine. I don't normally talk about this, but I have to write this down. That night I had some of the most unique, mind-blowing sex ever. Normally on a dose of ketamine large enough to alter my state of consciousness, there's no possibility of achieving, much less maintaining an erection. I'm not sure what happened, but I felt possessed by the spirit of a wolf, and I was rock hard until sated. Those of you who know me best will understand the spiritual significance of this.
Friday night turned into the biggest coke binge of my life. I remember feeling happier and more comfortable than ever before while intoxicated. I absolutely hate coming down from coke-so when I decided to call it a night I began snorting ketamine to overpower its effects. I showered and laid down. I intended to sleep-I was exhausted beyond explanation. But it didn't come. I just stared at the ceiling. My mind wouldn't stop. I felt strung out and dead inside. This was one of the most terrible feelings I have ever known. If I had been alone, I might have considered suicide. After my conversation with Kevin, I don't want to say this will “never” happen again... but at this point I think I can safely say I have gained a much more profound respect for cocaine, and I have no intention of taking it that far again.
As illustrated by my last post, this experience has thrust me into a state of introspection and evaluation. My future will consist of so much more than lines on a black mirror. I've known this from the beginning. This last year has been particularly educational and useful to me, but I'm ready to move on now. Time to stop destroying and start creating. As I begin the next chapter of my life, I feel ready to get the tattoo I've been sketching in anticipation for the last year.
Tosha. So far, our relationship has been submerged in a dark, confusing ocean of drugs. This is not a good start. Worse, now that I'm sober, I've come to many realizations. My first concern was the speed at which this relationship has progressed. It isn't normal for me, nor is it healthy in standard terms.
Last Friday, I invited my ex-girlfriend Ashlie to my party (while I was hippie-flipping). Excessively reminiscent and under the influence, I tried to kiss her. She pushed me away before we made contact and expressed that she just wanted to be friends. No doubt for the better. I was rueful in her presence, knowing I couldn't show the affection I felt so strongly. After she left, I was very introspective, but didn't really have a chance to sort through or make sense of my thoughts. This is always a sure recipe for confusion in my life.
What I felt for Tosha on Monday was absolutely overwhelming. I couldn't ignore it. I couldn't explain it. I don't believe in “love at first sight”; everything I have learned suggests that the feeling we recognize as love is simply an emotional response to a collection of associated positive memories. That kind of association takes time to build. I had known Tosha for two days at the time. Impossible. I think that given my emotional state, I must have projected my feelings for Ashlie onto Tosha. It's the only reasonable conclusion that I have found so far.
I'm going to give this a lot of time and reflection. Tosha and I have so much in common, and she is amazing in so many ways. I really love spending time with her, and I always look forward to seeing her. I just need to back off emotionally until I can understand what's going on in my head and heart.
Now, I reflect.
Friday was mushrooms and ecstasy-an absolutely mind-blowing spiritual experience. Saturday was ecstasy and ketamine, which turned out to be unremarkable and frustrating due to a poorly planned environment. Sunday evening I was offered a little heroin to smoke, and since I've never administered it that way, I decided to try it. I was left feeling unsatisfied. Moving further into uncharted territory, late Sunday night I tried methadone insufflation. That shit hurts, and evidently it lasts for over 24 hours. I was fucked up all day at work on Monday.
Monday night after work I decided to manage Sunday's disappointment and bought some heroin of my own. I remembered snorting heroin had been such an amazing experience the first time, so I was looking forward to recording my thoughts and feelings on round two. Unfortunately, two major factors detracted significantly from my experience. First, I was still itching from the methadone the night before-obviously snorting heroin made it much worse. Second, I took more than I had planned (dosage can be difficult with black tar), and ended up rimming the lake of consciousness in a state that's usually referred to as “nodding”. That means I couldn't really focus on or identify my feelings. I just wanted to lay down and pass out.
Tuesday and Wednesday were dedicated to ketamine. Thursday I attended the poetry slam and remained sober-until I returned home. More ketamine. I don't normally talk about this, but I have to write this down. That night I had some of the most unique, mind-blowing sex ever. Normally on a dose of ketamine large enough to alter my state of consciousness, there's no possibility of achieving, much less maintaining an erection. I'm not sure what happened, but I felt possessed by the spirit of a wolf, and I was rock hard until sated. Those of you who know me best will understand the spiritual significance of this.
Friday night turned into the biggest coke binge of my life. I remember feeling happier and more comfortable than ever before while intoxicated. I absolutely hate coming down from coke-so when I decided to call it a night I began snorting ketamine to overpower its effects. I showered and laid down. I intended to sleep-I was exhausted beyond explanation. But it didn't come. I just stared at the ceiling. My mind wouldn't stop. I felt strung out and dead inside. This was one of the most terrible feelings I have ever known. If I had been alone, I might have considered suicide. After my conversation with Kevin, I don't want to say this will “never” happen again... but at this point I think I can safely say I have gained a much more profound respect for cocaine, and I have no intention of taking it that far again.
As illustrated by my last post, this experience has thrust me into a state of introspection and evaluation. My future will consist of so much more than lines on a black mirror. I've known this from the beginning. This last year has been particularly educational and useful to me, but I'm ready to move on now. Time to stop destroying and start creating. As I begin the next chapter of my life, I feel ready to get the tattoo I've been sketching in anticipation for the last year.
Tosha. So far, our relationship has been submerged in a dark, confusing ocean of drugs. This is not a good start. Worse, now that I'm sober, I've come to many realizations. My first concern was the speed at which this relationship has progressed. It isn't normal for me, nor is it healthy in standard terms.
Last Friday, I invited my ex-girlfriend Ashlie to my party (while I was hippie-flipping). Excessively reminiscent and under the influence, I tried to kiss her. She pushed me away before we made contact and expressed that she just wanted to be friends. No doubt for the better. I was rueful in her presence, knowing I couldn't show the affection I felt so strongly. After she left, I was very introspective, but didn't really have a chance to sort through or make sense of my thoughts. This is always a sure recipe for confusion in my life.
What I felt for Tosha on Monday was absolutely overwhelming. I couldn't ignore it. I couldn't explain it. I don't believe in “love at first sight”; everything I have learned suggests that the feeling we recognize as love is simply an emotional response to a collection of associated positive memories. That kind of association takes time to build. I had known Tosha for two days at the time. Impossible. I think that given my emotional state, I must have projected my feelings for Ashlie onto Tosha. It's the only reasonable conclusion that I have found so far.
I'm going to give this a lot of time and reflection. Tosha and I have so much in common, and she is amazing in so many ways. I really love spending time with her, and I always look forward to seeing her. I just need to back off emotionally until I can understand what's going on in my head and heart.