20 Days
It really could be any day now. Any day when I will be holding my daughter in my arms. When I will learn what the word Mother means anew. Trying not to compare the experiences is hard, but here is what you should know, my baby precious. You are wanted, you are mine and you are your own individual. I will love you fiercely and loyally and with all of my heart. I am scared and confident. Excited and reticent. Disappointed in myself, a little, for not enjoying every second, but feeling like the mother of creation - something I thought I should have felt. Pretty awesome.
What you, my friends should know is this. I am doing okay. I am feeling very tired, and very isolated, but I think that is normal. I am feeling very vulnerable and sometimes - very alone. I am terrified of losing KT who has been my rock for the last three years when it came to my self doubts and questions about motherhood. I am terrified of another C-section. I am scared of losing more of myself. I am scared of not throwing myself 100% into this child. I am mourning the loss of Faelyn's status as only only only. I even sometimes worry that I won't have enough breastmilk- which is really quite silly of me.
I didn't finish my sacred theatre piece. I may yet, I may not. It doesn't seem as important as getting my suitcase packed for the hospital or enjoying TV time with my husband. I worry that our relationship is teetering. I know that we are going to be okay, but there is still all of this worry.
Its getting close. I am so thrilled, so overjoyed so much everything all at once. Forgive me if I cannot remember the last thing we talked about, or the details of a conversation or...
Much love.
What you, my friends should know is this. I am doing okay. I am feeling very tired, and very isolated, but I think that is normal. I am feeling very vulnerable and sometimes - very alone. I am terrified of losing KT who has been my rock for the last three years when it came to my self doubts and questions about motherhood. I am terrified of another C-section. I am scared of losing more of myself. I am scared of not throwing myself 100% into this child. I am mourning the loss of Faelyn's status as only only only. I even sometimes worry that I won't have enough breastmilk- which is really quite silly of me.
I didn't finish my sacred theatre piece. I may yet, I may not. It doesn't seem as important as getting my suitcase packed for the hospital or enjoying TV time with my husband. I worry that our relationship is teetering. I know that we are going to be okay, but there is still all of this worry.
Its getting close. I am so thrilled, so overjoyed so much everything all at once. Forgive me if I cannot remember the last thing we talked about, or the details of a conversation or...
Much love.