Two weeks....

[obscurepoet]

Got some news that I was rather disappointed with at the last appointment, we will see how it goes after the ultrasound on Saturday. If the babe is big, I have a big choice to make. I don't like that it is my choice, I don't like it one bit - because it doesn't feel like my choice. It doesn't feel like I would chose to have surgery. I don't think thats the "best decision". I am beginning to feel like its the "only" decision. Like it has been from the start and I have been fooling myself.  Last night Meck told me that it doesn't make me less of a woman, that clearly I should not define myself by whether or not my children were delievered naturally or not. That maybe 500 years ago I would not have survived, but maybe 500 years ago my body would be different, the baby would not be so robust. That I should think about those terms. That I should find other definitions of what makes me a woman. My boss told me "For crying out loud, you've nursed for three years - no one I know can top that!" She has said that motherhood has defined me as a woman in a way that creates a sense of strength around me and that it doesn't matter how that baby was born.

So right now, I don't want sympathy. I just want support. I don't want anger, or for you to try to feel my loss or to empathize. I just want you to come over when she is born and say hi to her and bring yummy things to eat. I want you to tell Faelyn how special she is, and to rejoice in the new life. Because that is what I am going to try to do.

I think I have made my choice. It will solidify this weekend, but I have to do what is best for my family. Even if its not what is best for Me.