(no subject)
I started the herb class yesterday and it was completely delightful! I learned a few things already, FINALLY met (maybe?) some new people I can hopefully call friends ( I am pretty lonely- as I had left my friends 2 months ago, and have not really had a friend feeling with anyone for the month I have lived here... family and going to shows and talking to people around me is fair game and all... but it would REALLY mean something to have an actual relation/friendship with SOMEbody! other then my mum. I also got to feed 'kids' today.. I had baby goats climbing and meh-ying all over me and they were so dear in my arms... a super awesome treat- AND I got to drink goat milk.. I LOVE goat milk, and never had it so fresh,, it was delicious!
I was pretty tired as then I went home and straight out to the dog park/ river and ran the dog I am babysitting. It is a wild WILD dog! OMG... my aching body. But again a good treat! It was a good day.. most days I just read, watch documentaries, movies, internet... spend A LOT of alone quiet time... talking with people and being listened to and discovering new things and asking questions with someone other then Mr Google to answer them... really it was nice. Really NICE. ♥
I try to not get my hopes up, yesterday I was full of excitement to maybe meeting some people, and today my self esteem has already knocked me back down where I belong.
There is a girl who is in transition named Mona. She still looks very much like a man. Chest hair and masculine shape to body. But she is nice. She is like the ultra projection of me... nervous awkward speaker holds self awkwardly appearance and body two different things... its like all the different ways I feel inside she is on the outside. And when she talks everyone seems to talk to her in a more"special" way... but then again... I see her as better then me cause at least she wears her awkward identity on the outside rather then the inside.
BUT most likely I perceive her alllll wrong. Because I am good at assuming things that are not really there.
James, my ex boyfriend who lives in the UK, who I have not spoken to in 6 years called me yesterday... well I tried to contact him first. I think I just needed someone to talk to and someone who understood visa problems and somebody who can chat my bloody ear off but say funny and delightful stories and someone to laugh at stuff with... I haven't told Chris I asked James to be my friends on facebook nor that we have talked. Half because Chris and I haven't talked since the day before yesterday... and part of me does not think Chris will care anyhow...
James is basically married to some lady a lil older then him, has a house, two dogs, some cats, a job, still also does semi pro skateboarding... I was teasing James for growing up. My act is not together.
Part of me is going insane cause I wish I was renting... well NOT paying money... but having my own flat.
Between living at dads, and mums, and hostels, and my Uncle Robs in OZ, I have not lived in "my own" flat since I lived with Cicada... and perhaps even then its been about a year and 1/2 since I lived alone...
I liked living with Cicada, and its not bad living with the folk... but sometimes I wish I was alone forever... but I know that couldn't be true... because when I am blessed with that I would be dead...
I wish ALSO I lived with Chris.
Though our relationship is a mess. And he doesn't seem to clue in that it is.. and he is most of the "whats not working" for ME to have it be such a mess...
And each time I am expressive to Chris its like I am a time bomb. And I explode with pointing fingers. They usually say we point fingers at others when we mostly point them at ourselves.. and some of the pointing I do at Chris is pointing at me... Like HE doesn't have a job, and though I am waiting on the fingerprints to go through, I am not working right now. But then some of my fingers are actually pointed at him, not me.
I point at him about how he never calls, writes me email about 1-2 x's a month though he has free and easy access at the library, never sends a text message, says he has no money to call or for postage- but when he had income a few months ago he still didn't do it- and when more income kicks in again I think he will find another excuse....
I write him almost every day- to every two days. I call him about 1-3 x's a week- though I do not have incoming income. I text him lil hellos, and send him letters and packages and lil things I made for him.
Each time I get super mad about how he does not communicate, and each time on the phone he convinces me he loves me, and then all is la de da until I blow up again... a few weeks later.
This last time we talked I told him that it seems like we are both on balcony's facing one another, but there is a gap between us. And I am leaning, with a small wall pressing into my stomach, and I reach and reach and it hurts my stomach but still I lean out over the edge, and we are very high up, and I lean out with my arms outstretched... and Chris has his arms out and away from his body, and he may lean a little towards the edge. I believe he loves me and wants to see me, and to hold hands... but he doesn't budge more, he stays where he is arms outstretched, and I AM REEEEEEACCCHING over the edge I can almost reach his hands, but I can not lean any more with out falling over, and all he has to do is lean forward a little more...
but he doesn't.
This should say already what may come of our relationship.
But just like a faithful house wife I am stuck in my mind set that if I stand there pleading eventually he will come around and reach out some more.
I wish I had the patience to write a story and then I can just make some crazy novel and get it over with....
I was pretty tired as then I went home and straight out to the dog park/ river and ran the dog I am babysitting. It is a wild WILD dog! OMG... my aching body. But again a good treat! It was a good day.. most days I just read, watch documentaries, movies, internet... spend A LOT of alone quiet time... talking with people and being listened to and discovering new things and asking questions with someone other then Mr Google to answer them... really it was nice. Really NICE. ♥
I try to not get my hopes up, yesterday I was full of excitement to maybe meeting some people, and today my self esteem has already knocked me back down where I belong.
There is a girl who is in transition named Mona. She still looks very much like a man. Chest hair and masculine shape to body. But she is nice. She is like the ultra projection of me... nervous awkward speaker holds self awkwardly appearance and body two different things... its like all the different ways I feel inside she is on the outside. And when she talks everyone seems to talk to her in a more"special" way... but then again... I see her as better then me cause at least she wears her awkward identity on the outside rather then the inside.
BUT most likely I perceive her alllll wrong. Because I am good at assuming things that are not really there.
James, my ex boyfriend who lives in the UK, who I have not spoken to in 6 years called me yesterday... well I tried to contact him first. I think I just needed someone to talk to and someone who understood visa problems and somebody who can chat my bloody ear off but say funny and delightful stories and someone to laugh at stuff with... I haven't told Chris I asked James to be my friends on facebook nor that we have talked. Half because Chris and I haven't talked since the day before yesterday... and part of me does not think Chris will care anyhow...
James is basically married to some lady a lil older then him, has a house, two dogs, some cats, a job, still also does semi pro skateboarding... I was teasing James for growing up. My act is not together.
Part of me is going insane cause I wish I was renting... well NOT paying money... but having my own flat.
Between living at dads, and mums, and hostels, and my Uncle Robs in OZ, I have not lived in "my own" flat since I lived with Cicada... and perhaps even then its been about a year and 1/2 since I lived alone...
I liked living with Cicada, and its not bad living with the folk... but sometimes I wish I was alone forever... but I know that couldn't be true... because when I am blessed with that I would be dead...
I wish ALSO I lived with Chris.
Though our relationship is a mess. And he doesn't seem to clue in that it is.. and he is most of the "whats not working" for ME to have it be such a mess...
And each time I am expressive to Chris its like I am a time bomb. And I explode with pointing fingers. They usually say we point fingers at others when we mostly point them at ourselves.. and some of the pointing I do at Chris is pointing at me... Like HE doesn't have a job, and though I am waiting on the fingerprints to go through, I am not working right now. But then some of my fingers are actually pointed at him, not me.
I point at him about how he never calls, writes me email about 1-2 x's a month though he has free and easy access at the library, never sends a text message, says he has no money to call or for postage- but when he had income a few months ago he still didn't do it- and when more income kicks in again I think he will find another excuse....
I write him almost every day- to every two days. I call him about 1-3 x's a week- though I do not have incoming income. I text him lil hellos, and send him letters and packages and lil things I made for him.
Each time I get super mad about how he does not communicate, and each time on the phone he convinces me he loves me, and then all is la de da until I blow up again... a few weeks later.
This last time we talked I told him that it seems like we are both on balcony's facing one another, but there is a gap between us. And I am leaning, with a small wall pressing into my stomach, and I reach and reach and it hurts my stomach but still I lean out over the edge, and we are very high up, and I lean out with my arms outstretched... and Chris has his arms out and away from his body, and he may lean a little towards the edge. I believe he loves me and wants to see me, and to hold hands... but he doesn't budge more, he stays where he is arms outstretched, and I AM REEEEEEACCCHING over the edge I can almost reach his hands, but I can not lean any more with out falling over, and all he has to do is lean forward a little more...
but he doesn't.
This should say already what may come of our relationship.
But just like a faithful house wife I am stuck in my mind set that if I stand there pleading eventually he will come around and reach out some more.
I wish I had the patience to write a story and then I can just make some crazy novel and get it over with....