(no subject)
Though Skull Cap and Bethlehem are helping I still have loads of issues. I know that nothing will be cured quickly... but I am having trouble leaving my house.
I talked with Chris today. The other day after talking to you about Chris and Bryce and stuff I freaked out and wrote Tony. Which I should not have done by any means. And I asked Tony in a letter today not to answer my questions about Chris and that I would like to hear from him in general. I feel awful cause I read what I sent Tony and I sound like a mad woman lunatic. I told Chris what I did and apologized profusely. He is mad cause now he thinks I do not trust him. And I do. I think I wanted something else to go wrong because then I can put my energy into that, as part of my OCD shit. And I told that to Chris and I told Chris about that word... eh cant think.. the L one. And I told him I think it fits me. I told him sometimes I stop and think about not living anymore. I told him that I am no longer sucidal, but I also express that if I died in my mid 30's or sooner of natural causes that I would not be upset to go. He told me some stuff about him, from a email he wrote earlier in the week, and we just talked alot about the psychology of it all. HE EVEN talked. So it was good. I think that today I was a better person to talk to him. I asked him about pillow talk stuff that I cant do at pillow talk time, and he gave me answers to everything I asked and I think without passing judgement. Which is better then me!
I still feel awful about the Tony thing and regret writing and asking him about Chris. Becaue I do trust Chris, my OCD doesnt trust anyone. Which is still weird to then ask someone to help give the truth if I dont trust anyone.
I still go through cravings of course, its not like things just disappear right away.
Dad said that its possible Chris and I wont see each other for a very long time. My heart aches so much. But its still possibly a truth.
I told Chris that its hard for me to live my life as though he is not part of it. My life is MY life, but when the one I want to share it with isnt with me, this brings much suffering. But I chose to love Chris, and I chose this life, and I am still choosing to feel the pain, because I still want Chris as my partner.
I know he is too young. And so is my mind. And that we are both not stable at this moment, but still I wish we were married. To be with Chris is great. I think marriage is the only way we can survive in "their" (the worlds) game.
I think I feel like how an army wife does. To have her boe be far away, seperated by war, Chris said there except we are not in a war. And I said of course we are. War, violence, terroism, hate crimes- this is why we are seperated. Fear the Border Control people make is and the people make is what the war is. No trust, love or compassion, and its only getting worse. Higher stakes, I think that we are war prisoners.
Tonight I go get my fingerprints done so I can work, and start this job. So... its 9.40 which is not horrible. I will look still for a second job.
Its hard to think straight and I still cry. Not in crazy sobs... but I do. And mostly in my sleep. I wake up with tears. Thats how I know.
I also read a WHOLE entire book last night. I think I just want to read and read and lie away from the world... BUT now I must leave the house. I still am rattled, and I still blame Heathrow.
Stupidness. Its all stupid.
Then Kyle asked how I was. I got all paranoid, to paranoid to answer. I am sure Amber told Adam. And Jen maybe said something to Heather and Kyle.. and I am sure people like Hollie know. But it blows cause they are the people that I do not want to know. I am too afraid to answer his text. So I may not.
I dont want to be part of their talk. Or at least not feed it. That may be paranoid or wrong to assume such. But my gut says "stay away~" so I am!
Okay I really have to go now.
I talked with Chris today. The other day after talking to you about Chris and Bryce and stuff I freaked out and wrote Tony. Which I should not have done by any means. And I asked Tony in a letter today not to answer my questions about Chris and that I would like to hear from him in general. I feel awful cause I read what I sent Tony and I sound like a mad woman lunatic. I told Chris what I did and apologized profusely. He is mad cause now he thinks I do not trust him. And I do. I think I wanted something else to go wrong because then I can put my energy into that, as part of my OCD shit. And I told that to Chris and I told Chris about that word... eh cant think.. the L one. And I told him I think it fits me. I told him sometimes I stop and think about not living anymore. I told him that I am no longer sucidal, but I also express that if I died in my mid 30's or sooner of natural causes that I would not be upset to go. He told me some stuff about him, from a email he wrote earlier in the week, and we just talked alot about the psychology of it all. HE EVEN talked. So it was good. I think that today I was a better person to talk to him. I asked him about pillow talk stuff that I cant do at pillow talk time, and he gave me answers to everything I asked and I think without passing judgement. Which is better then me!
I still feel awful about the Tony thing and regret writing and asking him about Chris. Becaue I do trust Chris, my OCD doesnt trust anyone. Which is still weird to then ask someone to help give the truth if I dont trust anyone.
I still go through cravings of course, its not like things just disappear right away.
Dad said that its possible Chris and I wont see each other for a very long time. My heart aches so much. But its still possibly a truth.
I told Chris that its hard for me to live my life as though he is not part of it. My life is MY life, but when the one I want to share it with isnt with me, this brings much suffering. But I chose to love Chris, and I chose this life, and I am still choosing to feel the pain, because I still want Chris as my partner.
I know he is too young. And so is my mind. And that we are both not stable at this moment, but still I wish we were married. To be with Chris is great. I think marriage is the only way we can survive in "their" (the worlds) game.
I think I feel like how an army wife does. To have her boe be far away, seperated by war, Chris said there except we are not in a war. And I said of course we are. War, violence, terroism, hate crimes- this is why we are seperated. Fear the Border Control people make is and the people make is what the war is. No trust, love or compassion, and its only getting worse. Higher stakes, I think that we are war prisoners.
Tonight I go get my fingerprints done so I can work, and start this job. So... its 9.40 which is not horrible. I will look still for a second job.
Its hard to think straight and I still cry. Not in crazy sobs... but I do. And mostly in my sleep. I wake up with tears. Thats how I know.
I also read a WHOLE entire book last night. I think I just want to read and read and lie away from the world... BUT now I must leave the house. I still am rattled, and I still blame Heathrow.
Stupidness. Its all stupid.
Then Kyle asked how I was. I got all paranoid, to paranoid to answer. I am sure Amber told Adam. And Jen maybe said something to Heather and Kyle.. and I am sure people like Hollie know. But it blows cause they are the people that I do not want to know. I am too afraid to answer his text. So I may not.
I dont want to be part of their talk. Or at least not feed it. That may be paranoid or wrong to assume such. But my gut says "stay away~" so I am!
Okay I really have to go now.