Broken Wine Glass
im in a tight spot right now. i left last night to spend time with amber, my best friend, on her 18th birthday. the thing is, i was grounded, and full of stupidity. not reliezing serious shit would go down if i left. now dad said i need to find a different place..(thought he was going to say for my dog to live, instead...)..for me to live. my heart sank, stomach droped, head pounded, and my body felt so heavily attached to the floor. i could not believe he had said that. i went to my basement and just broke down, smoked a cig, and then passed out.
i swear all this sneaking out and disobeying my dads rules was not intentional pain i ever intended to cause on my dad. i dont enjoy seeing anyone hurt period. i think about how much easier it would be if i wasnt around to fuck not only mine, my dads but more importantly, my sisters life up. i dont want her to feel as if the only possible option is to take me in. she told me tonight, september is the soonest date she can get me out of here. im not sure what im going to do, i dont want to leave anyone, nor go to a new school. I dont want to rely on anyone for a place to stay, if i had a choice i would rather get my own aprtment, my own job, and support myself, but im too young to do that. it kills me more then anything to know i fucked things over for myself before i could even think of the consiquences. i just wish mom was alive, jess was still living here and dad wasnt so sick. maybe id be a better person, and wed all have a happier life. i guess i like looking at unpossible solutions that could help. doesnt help much though, the pain will always remain present, and it just gets harder to cope with. this is all just making me want drugs. i wish i had more to live for then my sister, my friends and my dog. pathetic that im not on that list of categories. maybe even more pathetic that my dog is on that list, but she is like my baby. i dont know what i am going to do with her when i move in with my sister, i dont think my heart would want to part from her, i dont think i could take someone else calling her their own, i already did that once before with colby. to this day i regret not running away with him or something more then cry and stay home from school for a couple days to spend my last days with him. on top of that moving back to fairport after moving to webster and that was the whole reason of giving him away, my dad wanted to remarry and i had to give away colby, then the wife turned into the devil and he divorced her. it was a waste of heartache. shit is fucking rough right now, and im just waiting for it to be morning so i can ask dad if he will give me until september to find another place to live. im gunna really have to stick this out if he allows me to stay, meaning ill have to swallow all my self respect, give into him for 6 months, and then prepare for another one of lifes mystery roads into my new future.
i was always afraid to leave my dad to live alone. after januarys accident where he tried to commit suicide, and seeing him suffer in the mental health unit, i knew id have to make an important desicion on if i wanted to stay and take care of him after high school, or move away to live a better life but at the same time have another chance of him trying something like that again. i want to stay with him but..me staying isnt going to make either of our lives better, not when hes like this and not when we have clashing personalitys for each other. as much as i would love to see my dad healthy, and for me to take care of him before he is healthy enough to live steadily on his own, im just a kid. i dont have the education, strength, or patience to help him and not go insane my self. he needs professional help, i still think he left the MHU too soon. im not sure whats going to happen tomorrow, september, or to my dad, but im praying god gives us all a break from this.
-dad left the oven on again..i cant help but wonder if it was intentional-
i swear all this sneaking out and disobeying my dads rules was not intentional pain i ever intended to cause on my dad. i dont enjoy seeing anyone hurt period. i think about how much easier it would be if i wasnt around to fuck not only mine, my dads but more importantly, my sisters life up. i dont want her to feel as if the only possible option is to take me in. she told me tonight, september is the soonest date she can get me out of here. im not sure what im going to do, i dont want to leave anyone, nor go to a new school. I dont want to rely on anyone for a place to stay, if i had a choice i would rather get my own aprtment, my own job, and support myself, but im too young to do that. it kills me more then anything to know i fucked things over for myself before i could even think of the consiquences. i just wish mom was alive, jess was still living here and dad wasnt so sick. maybe id be a better person, and wed all have a happier life. i guess i like looking at unpossible solutions that could help. doesnt help much though, the pain will always remain present, and it just gets harder to cope with. this is all just making me want drugs. i wish i had more to live for then my sister, my friends and my dog. pathetic that im not on that list of categories. maybe even more pathetic that my dog is on that list, but she is like my baby. i dont know what i am going to do with her when i move in with my sister, i dont think my heart would want to part from her, i dont think i could take someone else calling her their own, i already did that once before with colby. to this day i regret not running away with him or something more then cry and stay home from school for a couple days to spend my last days with him. on top of that moving back to fairport after moving to webster and that was the whole reason of giving him away, my dad wanted to remarry and i had to give away colby, then the wife turned into the devil and he divorced her. it was a waste of heartache. shit is fucking rough right now, and im just waiting for it to be morning so i can ask dad if he will give me until september to find another place to live. im gunna really have to stick this out if he allows me to stay, meaning ill have to swallow all my self respect, give into him for 6 months, and then prepare for another one of lifes mystery roads into my new future.
i was always afraid to leave my dad to live alone. after januarys accident where he tried to commit suicide, and seeing him suffer in the mental health unit, i knew id have to make an important desicion on if i wanted to stay and take care of him after high school, or move away to live a better life but at the same time have another chance of him trying something like that again. i want to stay with him but..me staying isnt going to make either of our lives better, not when hes like this and not when we have clashing personalitys for each other. as much as i would love to see my dad healthy, and for me to take care of him before he is healthy enough to live steadily on his own, im just a kid. i dont have the education, strength, or patience to help him and not go insane my self. he needs professional help, i still think he left the MHU too soon. im not sure whats going to happen tomorrow, september, or to my dad, but im praying god gives us all a break from this.
-dad left the oven on again..i cant help but wonder if it was intentional-