Stuff and things
I struggle with December. I'm going to talk about stuff in positive/negative/positive/negative/positive form.
Warning, mentions adoption.
Note: Do NOT say that I did the best thing for my daughter. I describe adoption as the 'least worst' option.
Positive: Shaun is a really supportive partner.
Negative: On or around the 23rd/24th December in 2001, I was coerced (whilst an inpatient in a psych ward) into signing my parental rights away. My daughter was 4 years old at the time, i.e. a child and not a baby. My mental health wasn't showing any sign of improving after about a year post-breakdown (I had yet to have a definitive diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder AND BiPolar type-2. I was really really hard to treat, nigh on impossible at the time.) I associate Christmas and all of the Christmas offers in the shops/adverts on the TV/mentions of Christmas parties and decorations on social media etc. with losing my daughter to adoption.
Positive: I have many coping mechanisms. Writing here; twitter; 1. How do I feel in 10 words or less, 2. It's ok to feel/this will pass, 3. Do something different (stop if doing doing doing, start if procrastinating, allow myself to experience my feelings for a few minutes if I am trying to block them); talk to The Samaritans; my counselling sessions past and future at the Post-Adoption Centre; talk to Shaun and my friends; doing recreational things like Ingress in moderation (rather than obsessively in a feelings-denying way). There are probably more.
Negative: I also associate Christmas with family. My family is mostly dead/has rejected me/has been stolen by the state.
Positive: I have an aunt who loves me.
Negative: I have this feeling of soul-crushing despair.
Positive: I have other feelings in December too; happy/irritated/angry/content/scared etc. etc.
It's ok to feel, even if that feeling is a bad feeling. Feelings are temporary.
I'm mot looking for sympathy. I like having an audience for this stuff, not sure exactly why that is. Attention-seeking Borderline person thing? ;-)
Warning, mentions adoption.
Note: Do NOT say that I did the best thing for my daughter. I describe adoption as the 'least worst' option.
Positive: Shaun is a really supportive partner.
Negative: On or around the 23rd/24th December in 2001, I was coerced (whilst an inpatient in a psych ward) into signing my parental rights away. My daughter was 4 years old at the time, i.e. a child and not a baby. My mental health wasn't showing any sign of improving after about a year post-breakdown (I had yet to have a definitive diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder AND BiPolar type-2. I was really really hard to treat, nigh on impossible at the time.) I associate Christmas and all of the Christmas offers in the shops/adverts on the TV/mentions of Christmas parties and decorations on social media etc. with losing my daughter to adoption.
Positive: I have many coping mechanisms. Writing here; twitter; 1. How do I feel in 10 words or less, 2. It's ok to feel/this will pass, 3. Do something different (stop if doing doing doing, start if procrastinating, allow myself to experience my feelings for a few minutes if I am trying to block them); talk to The Samaritans; my counselling sessions past and future at the Post-Adoption Centre; talk to Shaun and my friends; doing recreational things like Ingress in moderation (rather than obsessively in a feelings-denying way). There are probably more.
Negative: I also associate Christmas with family. My family is mostly dead/has rejected me/has been stolen by the state.
Positive: I have an aunt who loves me.
Negative: I have this feeling of soul-crushing despair.
Positive: I have other feelings in December too; happy/irritated/angry/content/scared etc. etc.
It's ok to feel, even if that feeling is a bad feeling. Feelings are temporary.
I'm mot looking for sympathy. I like having an audience for this stuff, not sure exactly why that is. Attention-seeking Borderline person thing? ;-)