Would you like testosterone with that?
I've not been up to much lately. I have been angsting, but I've been mostly keeping that to twitter. Been a bit social, done a lot of walking. Read my exercise blog at dreamwidth if you so desire.
Yesterday I nearly got into a fight. This is not good.
Set up: I live in a block of flats that is joined up to other blocks of flats surrounding a courtyard. There are communal security gates. Every time I leave, I try to make sure that I do so without letting someone in who I do not know (unless they're under 13, over 60, or carrying heavy shopping). At one point there were two crack dens in the adjoining block in addition to my friendly cannabis-dealing next door neighbour. When I moved in I locked my bicycle to a bike rack in the courtyard, and had the front wheel stolen within 2 days.
There was a youngish guy outside the gate when I exited, and he tried to get in. I managed to block him, and was ignoring him the whole time. He called after me, I ignored him. He confronted me telling me I'd nearly broken his arm. He was a bit physical with me, and really in my face. I told him I don't let people I don't know into the courtyard, that I hadn't broken his arm, and that he shouldn't have tried to get in when I was closing the gate. He said he'd lived there all his life; I replied that I try to ignore my neighbours and thus don't recognise him/most of them. He said something threatening (can't remember what), and I took my dark glasses off and asked if he wanted to hit me. I do that when I'm threatened with violence. Then I came to my senses a bit, and apologised for hurting his arm. I walked off.
I made several mistakes there. I was feeling really anxious about leaving my flat (not anxious about real threats, but just the idea of people seeing me and judging me), and really wanted to avoid having any kind of interaction. I don't think I would've been able to calmly explain that I don't let people in I don't know, seeing as I was feeling so anxious. What I *could* have done, and will do in the future if people are hanging around outside the gate, is use another gate to exit (there are three). I generally ignore people if they're shouting at me/laying their hands on me, so I don't think that was wrong. Asking people if they want to hit me is a bad thing to do, but a) when my adrenaline is pumping I find it hard to control myself and b) it's a strategy that has worked to calm things down in the past.
I was talking to my gender shrink about this kind of thing before I went on testosterone. I said that when I get perceived as male more I'll be at the same risks of casual violence by strangers that other men are (of my age/race/class etc). It's... something I'll have to get used to and develop strategies for dealing with. This is the sort of thing that cisgendered boys learn about in their adolescence; I'm learning about it in my second adolescence :-)
Humans!!
Yesterday I nearly got into a fight. This is not good.
Set up: I live in a block of flats that is joined up to other blocks of flats surrounding a courtyard. There are communal security gates. Every time I leave, I try to make sure that I do so without letting someone in who I do not know (unless they're under 13, over 60, or carrying heavy shopping). At one point there were two crack dens in the adjoining block in addition to my friendly cannabis-dealing next door neighbour. When I moved in I locked my bicycle to a bike rack in the courtyard, and had the front wheel stolen within 2 days.
There was a youngish guy outside the gate when I exited, and he tried to get in. I managed to block him, and was ignoring him the whole time. He called after me, I ignored him. He confronted me telling me I'd nearly broken his arm. He was a bit physical with me, and really in my face. I told him I don't let people I don't know into the courtyard, that I hadn't broken his arm, and that he shouldn't have tried to get in when I was closing the gate. He said he'd lived there all his life; I replied that I try to ignore my neighbours and thus don't recognise him/most of them. He said something threatening (can't remember what), and I took my dark glasses off and asked if he wanted to hit me. I do that when I'm threatened with violence. Then I came to my senses a bit, and apologised for hurting his arm. I walked off.
I made several mistakes there. I was feeling really anxious about leaving my flat (not anxious about real threats, but just the idea of people seeing me and judging me), and really wanted to avoid having any kind of interaction. I don't think I would've been able to calmly explain that I don't let people in I don't know, seeing as I was feeling so anxious. What I *could* have done, and will do in the future if people are hanging around outside the gate, is use another gate to exit (there are three). I generally ignore people if they're shouting at me/laying their hands on me, so I don't think that was wrong. Asking people if they want to hit me is a bad thing to do, but a) when my adrenaline is pumping I find it hard to control myself and b) it's a strategy that has worked to calm things down in the past.
I was talking to my gender shrink about this kind of thing before I went on testosterone. I said that when I get perceived as male more I'll be at the same risks of casual violence by strangers that other men are (of my age/race/class etc). It's... something I'll have to get used to and develop strategies for dealing with. This is the sort of thing that cisgendered boys learn about in their adolescence; I'm learning about it in my second adolescence :-)
Humans!!