Ouch
This week I did a stupid. I played Solitaire several times for hours at a time (whilst IMing and checking LJ and eating and watching TV all at once). I wanted to shut off my feelings, and I succeeded. I have injured my wrists as a result. This *sucks* as it means I have to do less weight-lifting. I'm going to the gym today to do some lower body work that *doesn't* involve my wrists at all, some of it using some of the silly machines that don't let me use my abs while I'm exercising my legs (eg. the incline leg press). I shall be doing a tonne of abdominal work to make up for this. Oh, and I'll be doing an hour of cardio too.
I hope I'll be able to get back to were I started with the assisted pull-up machine. I *really* want to be doing unassisted pull-ups by midsummer. I'm thinking that I'll be able to do upper body work from about Wednesday onwards.
Yesterday I had a bad day. I was planning on going to Transplash, the trans swimming thing, but I decided not to go because I was too nervous. Instead of finding something else to do that was positive, I had a binge. I've decided to go to the FtM Tuesday dinner (3rd Tuesday of the month), I find it really challenging to be around big groups of FtMs, so something more intimate would be good. I'd like to get confident enough to go back to Transplash sometime in the future. (I've been twice, both times I've felt absolutely awful.) The thing about Transplash is that it's just such a good idea in principle. I enjoy swimming, and going to a trans swimming group means that I don't have my usual worries about changing rooms. I have other worries instead though! I feel so inadequate next to guys who've been on T for far longer than I have. It's... not good. I could probably go to Transplash if I had an FtM friend to accompany me (I'd want a bit of moral support in the changing room, so an MtF friend wouldn't be appropriate). Hm, that's not too big an ask really is it. Hm. Ironically, I feel much more comfortable swimming in environments that aren't trans-only. Hm. Why do I think it's a good idea to go then? As long as I have access to disabled or mixed gender changing facilities I'm ok.
Question for me to answer: what do I want from the RL FtM community? Do I really need to be a part of it? I'm so often full of trangst when I access it. There's such a lot of support available online.
I'm going to The Pembury this evening: who else is going? I'll be there from around 7.30pm, and won't be staying too long unless I'm anxiety-free. Last time I stayed for quite a while because there was mucho flirting (and a little bit more), and when I don't have such things to give me an ego-boost I feel much less confident. Bah, many years of relying on casual sex to make me feel good about myself.
I hope I'll be able to get back to were I started with the assisted pull-up machine. I *really* want to be doing unassisted pull-ups by midsummer. I'm thinking that I'll be able to do upper body work from about Wednesday onwards.
Yesterday I had a bad day. I was planning on going to Transplash, the trans swimming thing, but I decided not to go because I was too nervous. Instead of finding something else to do that was positive, I had a binge. I've decided to go to the FtM Tuesday dinner (3rd Tuesday of the month), I find it really challenging to be around big groups of FtMs, so something more intimate would be good. I'd like to get confident enough to go back to Transplash sometime in the future. (I've been twice, both times I've felt absolutely awful.) The thing about Transplash is that it's just such a good idea in principle. I enjoy swimming, and going to a trans swimming group means that I don't have my usual worries about changing rooms. I have other worries instead though! I feel so inadequate next to guys who've been on T for far longer than I have. It's... not good. I could probably go to Transplash if I had an FtM friend to accompany me (I'd want a bit of moral support in the changing room, so an MtF friend wouldn't be appropriate). Hm, that's not too big an ask really is it. Hm. Ironically, I feel much more comfortable swimming in environments that aren't trans-only. Hm. Why do I think it's a good idea to go then? As long as I have access to disabled or mixed gender changing facilities I'm ok.
Question for me to answer: what do I want from the RL FtM community? Do I really need to be a part of it? I'm so often full of trangst when I access it. There's such a lot of support available online.
I'm going to The Pembury this evening: who else is going? I'll be there from around 7.30pm, and won't be staying too long unless I'm anxiety-free. Last time I stayed for quite a while because there was mucho flirting (and a little bit more), and when I don't have such things to give me an ego-boost I feel much less confident. Bah, many years of relying on casual sex to make me feel good about myself.