Ideally...
Saturday, November 28th 2009 at 12:56am
A couple of hours ago Parrot and Parakeet left after playing two rounds of a game new to my mom and I called Chicago Express. My mom won the first round, and Parakeet won the second round. It's a nice enough game, but I'm not sure if I like it all that much.
Ideally, if you took apart the 16 hours one would be awake in a day... That should mean... [Brainstorms...]
1 hour of exercise/yoga
1 hour of dance/walking/swimming
2 hours cooking/eating
1 hour writing my novel
1 hour for IMs, e-mails, phone calls
1 hour sketching/digital painting
2 hours on given project
1 hour cleaning
2 hours on giving video game
4 hours of doing whatever given mate says I should do
[2:48am]
I had an interesting experience with Turtle and Kitten not so long ago. It's been really consuming my thoughts.
Saturday, November 28th 2009 at 3:21pm
I had strange dreams. My mother and I were at a store, and we approached the very first rack of items. She pulled something nifty off and said something to the effect of, “how about this?” And I smiled and agreed. She selected several more items, and I agreed and then I wished to move on, but then she just kept selecting more items. I tried to pull her away, but she began insisting on this doll. It was a fairly ugly doll with solid plastic black hair. I didn't want the doll. She became more and more insistent, and then finally left me behind with the bag full of stuff I actually wanted and went up to the register with the doll.
“Mom I don't want it!” I called after her. “I don't understand,” I yelled. “Why? You keep saying we have no money, and now you're buying something I don't even want!”
She purchased the doll and then walked out of the store. I looked at the rack and noticed she had selected everything off the entire rack - it was all in the cart. I left the bag and the cart and followed her outside; desolate and confused.
She got into the car and began to drive slowly towards the exit. I walked up to where she was about to pull up to. Then, Chimpanzee, a guy I know from open mics is standing there, and I hug him and begin to cry. My mother pulls up and waits for a minute, and then, as I'm about to pull away from the hug, she drives off.
I run after her, calling, but then she's gone.
I begin to walk, feeling lost, and logically; abandoned. I call her once I'm inside a Wegmans. I don't remember what the conversation is about, but I know it left me just as upset. I was with people in the store, but they were not people I knew well, and they were not careful to keep track of me.
I wind up in a hotel of sorts. And I recall being at a table with Asian women being interviewed by a man. They were displaying how my Japanese they had learned, and I was feeling very out of place for knowing little to none. The girl furthest from me was pretty fluent, and very energetic.
I'm at that table when I wake up.
There are other clips of the dream I recall. Like sitting on the steps somewhere in this hotel. I recall on these steps I was after something that kept escaping my grasp. I also remember being in a large room with a purple carpet with large star-burst designs.
There are some themes I notice. The first and foremost theme is clearly abandonment. I could attach this to any number of things in my life. I feel abandoned by pretty much everything and everyone. I never see Pony or Hedgehog anymore. Ghost really was a ghost - only here for one night to turn my beliefs inside-out and then to never grace my life again. Unicorn is a short-lived affair, and I've known that from the beginning, but still it's not very nice that he doesn't call... ever.
And then there are the more major aches: Wolf, who was visiting me fairly frequently... Who now I've only seen once in the past who-knows-how-long because I went to see him. And of course, Porcupine. He's promised time and time again to be my friend and to stay in my life, and yet...
I also want to say he was in dream. That sometime during the night I dreamed that he visited me, and took something that belonged to him that I had grown used to having, but then left all the rest of his clothes still here.
Obviously Porcupine doesn't call, write or visit either.
Inside the abandonment is a hint of betrayal, as is usual with being abandoned. I could list off a number of ways in which I feel betrayed by the people I know in my life. Another theme is being lost. And also, searching for something that is just outside of my grasp. That may have something to do with my ever-growing longing for Paladin that I can't do anything about at the moment...
But - I'll be getting on a plane to meet him on the twenty-third of January, so I'm very excited about that.