My Fourth Polyamory Gathering Trip (Part 2)
The following log is transcribed from a notebook I took with me when traveling to visit Rooster and Oryx and attend the polyamory gathering. Wednesday and Thursday we spent at Rooster's house. From there, we went on to the polyamory gathering on Friday morning.
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Thursday, April 14th 2016
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Dreamed my mother and I got into a terrible argument.
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Dreamed I was getting measured for an outfit. I was particularly excited about the flowing pants - hakama pants.
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9:00am to 10:05am - Talking with Hibiscus, and sex. Had one "vaginal orgasm" and two "emotional orgasms."
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Note: I've started differentiating between orgasms that feel satisfying, clearly orgasmic, neural/hormonal and yet, don't have contractions, and orgasms that do have vaginal contractions. I'm calling the orgasms that don't have vaginal contractions "emotional orgasms."
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Felt joyful, grateful, relieved, devious, aroused, ecstatic, humiliated, afraid, pleased and also a bit of pain from the dryness of the air.
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10:05am to 10:30am - Making Hibiscus breakfast.
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10:30am to 11:00am - Eating a grapefruit, and talking to Oryx about my card game of ethical quandaries.
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11:00am to 11:45am - Oryx told Hibiscus and I about her vision of a test that would measure people's "levels of consciousness" or "awakeness."
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11:45am to 1:23pm - Talking about Hibiscus's parents and the current situation with them, and other things.
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Thought: When I open up and say what is on my mind, I risk not being understood.
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Later, thought: Being understood is: 20% data, and 80% presence and energy.
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Why is it so hard, so painful, to speak and not be heard, or to be misunderstood?
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1:23pm to 1:30pm - Readying to go to the store. (Paladin still asleep.)
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1:30pm to 2:45pm - Trip to the grocery store with Hibiscus. Felt relief on the drive there. Felt stress about the expense of groceries and guilty about spending $12 on a 40+ ounce bottle of pressure-treated (raw, not heat-treated) juice.
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2:45pm to 3:10pm - Putting away groceries and eating. Paladin had woken while we were gone. Oryx was napping when we got back.
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3:10pm to 3:25pm - Finishing salad, meeting Oryx's friend, and talking about electricity. Note: Hibiscus seems particularly interested in being shocked by electric currents.
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3:25pm to 3:45pm - Hibiscus, Paladin, myself and Oryx's friend talking about a lot of nothing. Feeling bored, frustrated, and disillusioned.
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3:45pm to 6:30pm - Lymphatic work on Oryx, mostly done by her friend. Hibiscus was taught some things and I worked on Oryx's legs. It was my first time working on her. Then Oryx did network spinal analysis on her friend, then Hibiscus, then me.
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6:30pm to 7:00pm - Oryx's friend leaves. Oryx shows Hibiscus neural repatterning.
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7:00pm to 7:10pm - Logging by hand.
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7:10pm to 8:20pm - Making smoothies for Hibiscus, Paladin and myself. Oryx took a nap.
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8:20pm to 10:40pm - Oryx taking the "kinky and taboo" quiz I made several years back online. Then she did some self-processing that I semi-facilitated.
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Around 9:00pm:
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It's ironic how he can see my need to process, but he can not remember that I don't ever feel okay with processing in front of Oryx. Especially when my process right now would repeatedly refer to Oryx. And the last thing I want is for her to jump in.
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How can I simultaneously be present but also embody her level of entitlement to grasp hypnotic/directive control over others and situations?
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[In response to something Oryx said:] I believe that "global" focus is a cop-out from personal awareness . . . Not always, not completely, but mostly. A better cop-out than most.
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Or, maybe I just need to feel superior.
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She cuts everyone off. She is worse with Rooster than I am with Paladin. Worse than my dad with me.
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I'm glad I have Hibiscus. I like the choices I'm making. I've been worried that I've "fallen off" - and I have changed. I've changed path. By choice. If I so choose, I could change back.
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I don't believe sheets of paper that are handed out during workshops are useful. Oryx seems super attached to hang-outs. I liked the website concepts she has a lot more.
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Do I still want to inspire others?
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Have I become jaded?
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Privacy is bullshit. I seem to be attached to the concept of "no privacy" the same way that Oryx is attached to "no control." Does that mean that deep, where I don't see, I actually crave privacy and I am point-blank denying myself of it?
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Yeah. Uhm. That inherently would include privacy within myself. Maybe I resist it just because I want to know myself.
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Hibiscus walks away and I feel alone.
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10:40pm to 11:00pm - Readying for bed. Feeling angry, resentful. Oryx and Rooster working with Paladin, bodywork and processing.
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11:00am to 12:00am - Talking to Hibiscus. Sad. Frustrated.
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12:00am to 6:55am - Sleeping beside Hibiscus.
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Click here for the following day, day one of the poly gathering (where a golden shower occurs, heh).