Marrying Hibiscus . . . Meaning?
"So - wedding invitations," I had said to Hibiscus, during one of our last conversations before he went overseas.
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"It seems that you're bringing this up as a way to solidify your commitment to me because you're afraid," he said.
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When I told Paladin about the exchange later, Paladin said, "That is what all weddings are about -- solidifying one's commitment because one is scared."
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"Oh," I said, and then I began to chuckle.
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. . .
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Hibiscus,
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What does it mean to me to marry you?
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I've told my parents about it, including the date and the various complications of sleeping arrangements. I have also mentioned the date to mutual friends of Paladin and I: Brenda & Chad who we know from the polyamory gathering.
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When I think about committing to you, I have these particular fears come up:
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Your cat is a pain in the ass. Although I am finding that he really does respond better when we are more consistent with our protocols for how to handle his behavior.
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Your community may be a liability and is in general an unknown factor to me at this point. I worry that I will feel compelled to compete with the community as a whole for your time, resources, and love.
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Your house has a lot of limitations that I am unsure how I will feel about as time goes by. Namely, the climate is located within, and the impossibility of having an office separate from where I sleep. And more recently, I have been concerned that I may not be able to keep my room humid without perpetuating or creating a mold problem.
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But you know . . . I find it very reassuring that none of these have anything to do with what you inherently are . . . At least not directly. Houses, communities, and cats are much more likely to change then the color of your eyes or the sound of your voice.
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Although, I probably couldn't get you to get rid of your cat - if for no other reason than because I would feel bad. He really wouldn't bother me so much if I didn't feel guilty for not being more loving towards him. And the fact that I feel guilt shows that I am covering up my own compassion.
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It seems like the real sticking points with many people - such as their thinking patterns - are things that you are interested in exploring . . . I certainly enjoy exploring my own sticking points.
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I guess I am assessing my own enthusiasm and sense of existing commitment versus my reservations and fears.
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I notice how far into the future of my plans for being here are stretching . . . How I am thinking about what it might be like to be at Silverstag Eco Hamlet as far as ten years into the future.
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I also notice that I have not imagined any alternate dreams that do not include you. Just based on these two observations alone - it seems that I'm very committed to you . . . So why am I so afraid?
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And why does this fear often manifest as calmness? Right now I feel incredibly calm, and yet I can tell that I'm afraid. Part of me wants to call that being resigned. Yet, much of me wants to rebel against the word "resigned" and say this it is a very inaccurate label.
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I guess I mostly want to rebel against "resigned" because it seems like a negative word. I feel like it is accurate if I remove the negative connotation.
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Incidentally, I think it was very clever of you to tell me, "Don't stop looking," in the context of finding someone else. You won yourself a lot of brownie points in a very short time during that conversation. Firstly, you recognized that I was bringing up wedding-related things out of fear -- when I had not even seen that.
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Secondly, by telling me not to stop looking, you simultaneously pointed out - to the part of me that is incredibly attached to you - that I can look and still have you, and you also won the approval of the parts of me that are reserved toward you by acknowledging my desire to always strive for better.
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Thirdly, you expressed your own high level of commitment to me, which made me feel very safe and loved.
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Come to think of it, it is probably that specific conversation that led to me feeling so much less needy this time while you're traveling. That, and having ranted so much and getting a lot off my chest.
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- Nuria
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PS: I am haunted by something you said even though it didn't bother me at the time. You said that you experience me as someone with a lot of health problems. It didn't start to bother me until less than 48 hours later Paladin said that I talk about health problems more than I talk about anything else.
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This is rather disturbing to me.
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I'm not sure how I'm supposed to take proactive action, and follow my intuition, and not resist health problems existing, and love myself, and have an overall positive focus, and give my best self to my partners, and be transparent with my experience... all at once.
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. . .
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Hibiscus responded to my final paragraph: "I have a number of reactions, one of which is "isn't that the advantage of having a committee?" You can delegate different parts of this to different committee members and let them work in parallel on different aspects of what it means to be you."
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And, in reference to what I'd said about our wedding, he wrote:
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Nuria,
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It bothers me somewhat - and I wonder if it would bother you or not - that when I think about this wedding that I find myself reassuring myself with the idea that "it doesn't change things."
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Namely, I'm already committed to you (I don't have to somehow be more committed because of it); it doesn't have to be forever (you have variously given it 6 mo to 5 years, IIRC); no one is going to hold it against me that we invited them to a party; money is always finite so spending some or saving some on this event doesn't fundamentally change our lives; and things to that effect. Does that mean I'm not taking it seriously enough?
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Or does that mean that I'm taking what we already have seriously enough that this seems like less of a drama than it otherwise might?
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Certainly, it means that my previous experience being married was painful and I'm trying to approach this one differently.
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- Hibiscus
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. . .
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Does he take it less seriously than I do? It was hard to tell. Most of the time I thought he took my presence in his life more seriously than I did. And yet . . .
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There was something about this public ceremony that was going to occur . . . Something that makes it more final. Something that I couldn't do without believing that we were forever. I had to find that part of me that believed in "forever" and really, really dig deep into it.
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I frowned. Can I commit to forever with this man?
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Even though I rationally knew it didn't "have to" be forever, my emotions screamed and railed at me: It is a commitment because you do have to commit to forever.
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Values and childhood programming swirled and churned inside me. Forever. With Hibiscus. Delightful. Dreadful. Delicious. It all depended on what aspect of him and my life with him I was looking at. There was more good than bad, by a long shot. It is worth it, I thought.
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Fantasizing about my wedding with Hibiscus, I wrote him again:
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Hibiscus,
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You know what else I would like at our wedding?
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A bawdy crowd of people hooting and hollering all kinds of lewd things - following us to the bedroom door and perhaps even some people listening while you fuck me like crazy.
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I would probably even enjoy it if you fucked me the way Raklion fucked Heket the first time - publicly.
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But I think I'm in the wrong era, or at least the wrong country for that . . .
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I guess I get a lot of ideas from reading novels . . . And there are a lot of scenes of wedding romping that appeal to me . . .
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I assume that even the bawdy crowd part would be a difficult thing to manifest... but I wanted to share that thought with you in any event.
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I love you.
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- Nuria
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And later, I wrote him yet again:
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Hibiscus,
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I talked about my feelings concerning the wedding ceremony and Paladin's place in it. I talked to him about it as well. I noticed that you both listened and agreed that my feelings made sense . . . But neither of you proposed a solution to what I felt was a pickle.
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What I said before - in case you've forgotten - is that I feel like he needs to have some kind of place in it because if he doesn't that seems like some sort of slight or lie . . . But I also feel like we ought to have a ceremony that is just ours because Paladin and I had our own ceremony that was just ours . . . So why wouldn't we?
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Since neither of you proposed a solution or your own thoughts I guess that means that I am expected to come up with my own idea . . . and really, once I think about it, I guess it's pretty easy.
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It could look something like:
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My dad walking me down the aisle and handing me to Paladin and then taking his hand and walking rest of the way to you, and then saying whatever we say and doing whatever we do, and then after I kiss you (or whatever), I could take both your hand and his hand in my hands in some symbolic way and we can walk off together . . . And then you can fuck me . . . But probably not with Paladin present. [Irony intended.]
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I want a really cool dress for our wedding. And maybe a special outfit for dancing in too. I think that's the only thing I'm attached to money being spent on in particular . . . Well, and what you wear as well, assuming you are still game for my Renaissance suggestion.
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If we go somewhere like The Root for dancing, and we don't serve food, and we don't provide lodging, then I don't really know what else would cost anything.
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As for invitations . . . Here is a draft . . .
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You are enthusiastically invited to Hibiscus's and Nuria's commitment ceremony.
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Sunday, May 1st 2016
Silverstag Eco Hamlet
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2-3pm Outdoor ceremony
3-4pm Photographs
4-5pm Break for people to find food and change clothes if desired
5-7pm Board games for those who are interested
7-8pm Preparing to go dancing, migrating to dance location
8pm Dancing at place to be determined
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You are welcome to bring a tent and camping gear and stay at Silverstag Eco Hamlet the night before and/or after.
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Please note that food and drink besides water will not be provided.
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~
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I am wondering what people will do for food . . . Like if they will bring their own food, and if so, should we direct them to the picnic tables that are outside? That seems to make sense. A list of local places to eat out or get groceries that are recommended might be something nice to hand out.
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If I ask people to dress in purple, black, white and/or cream . . . Would that be okay with you?
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And much more importantly . . . What exactly are we committing to?
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Are we going to be specific and have detailed vows of sorts?
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Are we going to be more general and simply commit to always loving each other or something like that?
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I guess this is what I assume I am committing to . . .
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To consider your feelings and best interests in my every decision.
To honor and validate your grandest vision of your life and yourself.
To hold your priorities and dreams as equally important to my own.
To always strive for complete authenticity and transparency in all of our interactions.
To give you the benefit of believing that you would never intentionally wrong me, and to give you every opportunity to explain yourself when I feel hurt by you.
To hold my heart open to you, and to come to you for help when I am feeling closed and cold.
To seek new love between us whenever old love falters or dies.
To lend my strength and support to you when you are feeling weak or overwhelmed.
To continue to build love between us through compassion, creativity, honesty, trust, listening, and shared experience.
To keep a space for you in my heart and in my life no matter what new metamours enter your life or mine.
To never walk away when you express a desire to communicate with me.
To allow myself to be softened and forgive even when I feel distressed or hurt by you.
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~
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Well, that seems to make a good first draft. Does that sound like what you had in mind?
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- Nuria
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. . .
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To my distress, days passed without him ever mentioning the vows I drafted to him. His letters were short, and his texts were sparse, and there was no mention of the carefully crafted words and commitments I composed.
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He's on the other side of the world, I reasoned. He's working, I told myself. He is very, very busy over there, I stressed to myself. It was no use. The disappointment still crushed, no matter how valid his excuses undoubtedly were.
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I wanted an important, wealthy man who'd pay for me, I thought. I got one. Now however will I stand being in love with him?