Shifts, Balances
I had reached the point where it was impossible to feel as I had before. It had became emotionally incomprehensible that I had once not loved Hibiscus, that I had once not lived in his house, that I had once not lived at Silverstag.
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Of course, I still had my memories intact. But the feeling had changed: now this was how life is. It wasn't novel or strange. Hibiscus's home was my home. His life was shared with mine.
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I wrote to him, as he was over-seas, and I missed him:
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Hibiscus,
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Teal Swan's latest video, the one on Complaining, expresses exactly my sentiment that I wanted to express to you. It isn't that I want you to "stop being negative." It is rather that I want to understand exactly what you're feeling and why, and know you deeply and be able to respond helpfully.
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I want to be able to reach you, and I can't do that when I feel like you're just throwing complaints over a wall to fall at my feet with no explanation. Invite me to your side of the wall and show me where they come from. Teal says, "We need to get to the feelings beneath the complaint before we voice the complaint, and voice those feelings."
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Teal suggests asking oneself this question: "What am I wanting to get as a result of voicing this complaint?"
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I can't wait to start using that on myself. I complain a lot, I think, and I believe asking myself this question is going to be very revealing.
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Teal goes on to the explain the difference between "metabolizing" an emotion versus suppressing it. And that is what I'm always afraid of - I'm afraid of my own voicing of complaint causing suppression instead of deeper expression.
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Love you dearest. Hugs and kisses. :)
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- Nuria
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At another point, I wrote him:
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I miss you. It is strange to me last time - when you visited your parents for Christmas and New Years - how I particularly missed having sex with you to such an extent that it was hard for me to think about anything else.
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And then, of all bizarre things, I went through a brief period of feeling like I wouldn't even miss you at all this time . . . I was angry.
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But then I let the anger go as I talked through it to you. And then I knew that I would miss you. And I do. And this time . . . It feels different than times past. It is as though I miss your essence itself. Not some particular thing that I want from you, but the entire experience of what it is like to be in your presence.
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- Nuria
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Hibiscus replied: "I think the idea of metabolizing emotions is fantastic. Instead of storing them away like fat - which might be filled with toxins, depending on the source - we burn them early, and often, so that they neither build up nor dump their toxin loads into our system en masse at a later point.
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"I will try to remember the bit about thinking about what I'm trying to accomplish by complaining, but don't hesitate to remind me either.
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"Lots of interesting examples today - a lot of complaining happens in this office. The most obvious "wanting to get" seems to me to be related to camaraderie and moral support. The "if you and I both feel upset about this thing, we must support one another" effect."
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Hibiscus wrote more examples from his work place. It was nice to hear from him, even if I craved more. The same day that he wrote that to me, Thursday the 14th, we talked on the phone for a little while. It was one of the few phone conversations we had during his entire ten days overseas. It amazed me how ten days could feel like such an eternity when it came to being apart from one's love - one's addiction.
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It didn't start out that way. The first few days he was gone I felt rather good. I had even written Hibiscus after he'd been gone for two days, "I'm doing better this time than the last time you were away. I seem to be feeling less needy in general, and more interested in projects." Yet as the days passed, life in Hibiscus's house without Hibiscus there felt rather surreal, especially after getting back from Snowland.