My Wish Is My Command
Sub-Title: Shameless, Immortal, A Goddess Embodied on Earth
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"What feeling do you want to have?" Teal asks in her video, How To Feel Better; Feeling Signatures.
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I want to feel entirely safe and loved. I want to feel like anything I want is only moments, days or weeks away. I want to feel like my imagination really is the limit. I want to feel my boundless potential, my endless possibility, my complete empowerment. I want to feel my immortality. I want to feel like a God on Earth. I want to feel worthy of worship, worthy of everyone's love. I want to feel entirely free from shame and guilt, and entirely entitled to all that is granted to me. I want to feel that my own wish is my own command, and that granting my own wishes is effortless, like walking, snapping one's fingers, or breathing.
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"What do you imagine that feeling state might feel like?" Teal asks.
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It would be like crowd surfing, I thought. I imagined all those hands touching me, my body flowing over their hands like floating on a wave as it pushed me higher, then lower, higher, then lower, and always forward, forward, forward.
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It would be like going up and down in a roller coaster, I thought. I imagined the anticipation as the crank, crank, crank of the roller-coaster approached its peak. I imagined that feeling as the head of the roller-coaster crested the peak and time held still. I'd feel the sudden drop, the free-falling, expansive feeling of utter faith as one plummeted. I imagined the rush of excitement and joy as the pressure in my ears shifted, as my stomach became weightless, as my eyes streamed with tears. I imagined the roller-coaster coming to its end. I felt the exhilaration as I vaulted out of the ride, a sense of completeness and delight radiating in my smile.
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It would be like exploring a jungle, I thought. I remembered being on the island in the bamboo forest, and the feeling of the smooth bamboo in my hands. The paths were steep - up and down and around - and always the bamboo was there to lend its steadying, green support. My heart felt so full. A beautiful, soul-matched woman led me to a stream. I felt exultantly safe in the universe's care - sharing my day with a raw food woman who worked online and house-sat mansions on the most beautiful island I could imagine. Every twist in the path was yet another divine perfection. I felt light on my toes, springy with a child's ardor.
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It would be like the first time I set foot on Neem's land, I thought. I remembered the magic of putting down my toe-shoes on her heart-shaped rocks, each step down the path from her parking lot yet another wonder. We passed beneath a huge mountain-apple tree, loaded with red, pear-like fruits. Beside the path tropical wonders blossomed in a regalia of pink, purple, white and blue. It made Papaya's and Farm Ox's efforts look like playing in the mud by comparison. I'm home, I kept thinking. I'm home. Once emerged from the path my heart swelled and soared at the sight of their pond, the arching bridge that passed over it, and the heart-shaped planters full of blossoming flowers beyond. I'm really home, I thought again.
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It would feel like I embodied my inner-goddess entirely, as I did with a smug smile on my face as I introduced Gongchan to my world, as I let Hibiscus in on my truths, as I opened myself to the sun god while I stayed at Redbud Community, I thought.
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It would feel like the moment when that beautiful moth would not leave Paladin's thumb, and when that gorgeous bird swooped down right before us. That had been the same day or the day after Paladin got a tic bite.
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"What does it mean?" Paladin had asked.
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"It means . . . Choose to live," I said. "It means you are just as divine as that perfect moth on your thumb," I said.
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Paladin began to cry. He cried a lot during that week, the week I almost left him, where he decided he wanted to die and then hours later was bitten and contracted lyme disease. It wasn't fear of death that brought his tears, but relief from his fear of life. I had become my inner-priestess in truth for him. I was alive with faith, power, certainty, and ancient wisdom. I felt techniques coming to me from hundreds of lifetimes as a priestess, as a healer, as a magician, as an oracle, as a prophet.
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I want to feel full, full with my own long history. Endless potential lies in my own endless past, and endless future. It would feel like the vibration of my hundred-hundred selves - the past selves that glimpse the magic of the universe, that manifest and create easily, consciously, purposefully.
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"What experience of circumstance do you imagine might feel the closest to that feeling?"
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Riding the back of a dragon, I thought. It would be like exploring the bamboo forest, except that I could explore the entire world. It would be like riding the roller-coaster, except that I can ride as long as I want, with no limitations in the movement of the machine. It would be like the divine moth and the divine bird that told us, embrace life, only bigger and more tangible. It would be like being my most divine, goddess-like self, because how could I be anything different and yet have a dragon as my companion?
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Riding on the back of a dragon who was my friend . . . would make me feel limitless, expansive, excited. I imagined that the dragon could take me to the moon, and deep under the ocean. We would befriend dolphins and whales. We would talk to starfish, and pet jellyfish, and eels - without the slightest discomfort. We would chuckle with octopus, and ride tsunamis like surf-boards.
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That would feel like being a God on Earth.
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Magic washed over me in waves of golden light, and I wrote and thought: I am a God on Earth. Typing here on this simple, utilitarian keyboard in Hibiscus's house, I am a Goddess, a priestess and a prophet. I looked out the window at the snow-covered wonderland of Silverstag Eco Hamlet. I am a Goddess of ice, a Goddess of fire, a Goddess of tropical plants, and a magician without limits. I took a deep breath, exhaling into a peaceful smile.
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I hugged myself and felt the organic cotton fabric of the lavender dress Hibiscus had bought me for Christmas. It was hand-made and ordered through Etsy, custom-made just for me. I licked my lips and took a sip of distilled maple water and set the glass back atop one of the hand-crafted, laser-cut, wooden coasters. I glanced about my room and caught sight of the Luis Royo art books that Porcupine had bought for me seven or so years ago at a convention in the north. I saw the drawers Hibiscus had bought for me. I saw the plants I'd brought from Snowland. I saw the clean laundry that Paladin had washed for me.
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Like a cat, I saw all that was done for me and concluded, quite rightly, I must be God.
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Later, I reflected: I want to be immortal. I want to be strong and immune. I'm also afraid that being strong means having responsibility. But if I were immortal, if I were powerfully capable, then I could do anything and go anywhere and be anything for as long as I like... Ultimate freedom. But really I think I want to be immortal because I want to be better than other people in a measurable way.