(no subject)
so slowly ive come to the realization that my relationship with trevor is over
and our happiness and life of being a family is done....
i want to elaborate and say this is how it happened, but i really cant remember how we get to this point
it feels like we met, boom we loved eachother, boom we had blake, boom we hate eachother.
i dont know how to feel about it, he doesnt care, he doesnt even realize that its pretty much his fault.
everyday is walking on eggshells until the next blowout it seems
im so tired of living like that. i mean, of corse i love him, i guess for what he is, the father of my son.
but anything more than that doesnt make sense to me.
how can i love someone who verbally and mentally beats me down daily.
maybe because i wanted things to work. shit maybe i didnt. its a pretty empty feeling to give your whole life to someone and have it stomped to pieces.
i mean, yeah ive done shit in my life i shouldnt be proud of, to people that didnt deserve it.
the majority of my past relationships were jokes, i either got played or i played them.
but with trevor i always told myself i wouldnt ever do anything to disrespect him because we were always such good friends before we actually dated. and i have lived up to that. the one time in my life i gave my all to someone, tried to have a family with someone, and just completely went the full length with someone this is how it ends up. now, im not going to say ive given up on love and all that nonsense because duh its a real thing and its a great thing if it works...but when it fails its pretty draining. i feel like the lifes been sucked out of me. not only because im about to be a single parent, which will be difficult enough, but ive pretty much said bye to my bestfriend and the person ive spent the last couple years with. and all over nothing really, because hes selfish and doesnt respect anybody or anything. not even himself. he always has to be right, no matter what happens or whats being proved to him. everyday i get blamed for something that is so far fetched its ridiculous. shit, i get accused of cheating on him with fucking ben. a stupid guy i dated 4 years ago. why the fuck would i still have shit to do with that mother fucker. he tries to control everything i do and anything that comes in contact with me. so im basically a prisoner in my own house. so after all that i should ask myself why do i even still care about the jerk. thats a good damn question. i guess the rules change when you have a baby with someone. and all the other shit we've been through together. i could write a book. im so fucked. i dropped out of college to have a baby with someone who thinks so lowly of me and im just fucked now. how could i provide for blake with that. i feel like ive become another statistic of the world. another teenage girl who got pregnant young and fucked up her life. except i didnt just get pregnant. i expected it to be forever. not just for now.
so now i just sit here feeling sorry for myself. i dont really know why because emotionally im better off without the hassels he causes me.
but as a whole, lifes just going to be hard.
and our happiness and life of being a family is done....
i want to elaborate and say this is how it happened, but i really cant remember how we get to this point
it feels like we met, boom we loved eachother, boom we had blake, boom we hate eachother.
i dont know how to feel about it, he doesnt care, he doesnt even realize that its pretty much his fault.
everyday is walking on eggshells until the next blowout it seems
im so tired of living like that. i mean, of corse i love him, i guess for what he is, the father of my son.
but anything more than that doesnt make sense to me.
how can i love someone who verbally and mentally beats me down daily.
maybe because i wanted things to work. shit maybe i didnt. its a pretty empty feeling to give your whole life to someone and have it stomped to pieces.
i mean, yeah ive done shit in my life i shouldnt be proud of, to people that didnt deserve it.
the majority of my past relationships were jokes, i either got played or i played them.
but with trevor i always told myself i wouldnt ever do anything to disrespect him because we were always such good friends before we actually dated. and i have lived up to that. the one time in my life i gave my all to someone, tried to have a family with someone, and just completely went the full length with someone this is how it ends up. now, im not going to say ive given up on love and all that nonsense because duh its a real thing and its a great thing if it works...but when it fails its pretty draining. i feel like the lifes been sucked out of me. not only because im about to be a single parent, which will be difficult enough, but ive pretty much said bye to my bestfriend and the person ive spent the last couple years with. and all over nothing really, because hes selfish and doesnt respect anybody or anything. not even himself. he always has to be right, no matter what happens or whats being proved to him. everyday i get blamed for something that is so far fetched its ridiculous. shit, i get accused of cheating on him with fucking ben. a stupid guy i dated 4 years ago. why the fuck would i still have shit to do with that mother fucker. he tries to control everything i do and anything that comes in contact with me. so im basically a prisoner in my own house. so after all that i should ask myself why do i even still care about the jerk. thats a good damn question. i guess the rules change when you have a baby with someone. and all the other shit we've been through together. i could write a book. im so fucked. i dropped out of college to have a baby with someone who thinks so lowly of me and im just fucked now. how could i provide for blake with that. i feel like ive become another statistic of the world. another teenage girl who got pregnant young and fucked up her life. except i didnt just get pregnant. i expected it to be forever. not just for now.
so now i just sit here feeling sorry for myself. i dont really know why because emotionally im better off without the hassels he causes me.
but as a whole, lifes just going to be hard.