(no subject)

[nthngispromised]

Delco just called me. He waits 4 days before calling me again. He was like...were u sleeping? I told him naw but I was bout to be and he said oh I was jus seeing what u were doing but I'll let you go to sleep I said ok call me tomorrow or something and he said ok. If that had been Matt he woulda been like I'm coming to get u right now n if I had said I was goin to sleep he woulda been like maaan naw Im coming to get you u. Crazy ass. I'm not sure if it's going to be good for me to continue going over to Delco's or not...I feel as if I am a lot more calm now so it might end up being ok as long as I keep my mouth shut...maybe I've finally learned my lesson. Prolly not because that's jus a part of of me but...I have a better idea how to handle myself in certain situations. I was in the bathroom when my phone rang and I was jus looking at myself in the mirror because my arms look so bad and I jus feel so pitiful and different, weak in a way I'm not sure. Then I saw it was Delco and it made me happy and then I went back in the bathroom and thought about him and last week when I was there and he yelled at me to be quiet and go to sleep and even though he is such a sweetheart he still has that attitude and we all know where attitude ended up with Matt. And I thought about what that guy was telling me about the kind of guy I deserved to be with and the situation with Delco isn't what he meant at all. But it's the situation I'm used to being in, I don't know how to get away from it. I don't know when to cut people off I guess. I feel as if they need to do something to give me a reason and even then chances of me completely cutting them off are slim because I want to know people and be friends with them and be on good terms with everybody because that's jus how I am. I feel bad not doing that unless it's a situation where we jus kinda drift apart and it's fine...like with Shannon. I mean I see him in class and I saw him Sunday and stuff and thats the only time I'll ever talk to him and it's fine I don't even care anymore. Last semester I would have been all like nooo I have to do whatever I have to do to make sure we stay real cool and that I stil chill with him n all this and it's pathetic really when I think about it and I know this obviously. And I care but it jus repeats intself with a new person and I can't stop it. I KNOW I am a strong person in a LOT of ways but guys lately jus don't seem to be falling into that category. At least not the guys that need to be in that category. All the ones who don't deserve to be there end up there and I put up with all the other ones shit because I lose that strength in a lot of ways. Lately all I do is fall for the WRONG person...this time it turned out to be REALLY wrong in a way that has emotionally, mentally and worst of all physically hurt me. I was looking at myself in that mirror crying at myself because you see movies where women get hit and u think to yourself that would never be me...why would she put up with that...stay with him...all this and here I am. I let him treat me that way, I didn't quit seeing him or talking to him and honestly part of me hopes we do make it through this and talk again even though I know how extremely WRONG that would be. I can't believe it even crosses my mind but it does and I feel so weak and lost because of it because who am I letting somebody do that and contemplating letting them get another chance if possible? That's NOT me...I have been thru some things in my life and that kind of stuff has always been where I draw the line and it's not something I play with. I really need to change and it's all a test to see if I will commit myself to it or not. I can't believe it took a man to hit me tho. I am still in shock about that like it didn't actually happen, yea right...Matt hit me? U must be crazy...yea he's pushed me before but he wouldn't do that, he's different this year. And he was for awhile but....dang. I can't get it off my mind. The way I act is a shield. And nobody has ever broken it like that. I have NEVER reacted that way to anything in my life...I LOST IT COMPLETELY...I was a different person, I was vulnerable, extremely weak, broken...I don't even know. It was crazy, it's kind of all a blur because I was so shocked and I broke down. I was crying so much and yelling and tryna breathe all at the same time...people had to make me sit and talk me through breathing and tryna be calm and talk without hyperventilating...it was ugly. And what makes it even worse is I know to Matt, Jamar, Coop, even Clif and maybe MJ because she stayed in that damn room...it wasn't serious at all...even like a joke. And to the guys I know it's just some girl actin a fool n bein crazy over nothing and that makes me sick. To know that you can sit there and know a man punched a woman and not say anything to that man and believe that it isn't his fault...that it was ok, that it was justified...unless I was tryna kill you or something there is NO excuse for that I don't care what u say. If somebody did that to yo sister or yo momma or yo girl cousin or anybody u kno yo ass would feel completely differently. I need to get back into being my STRONG self and not put up with these FOOLS because they need to grow up and learn how to respect women...ALL WOMEN.

*~Ashley~*

The lions may grow weak and hungry, but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing.
~*~Psalm 34:10

How many times are you gonna apologize about the same thing
And how many times can I take you back when I'm not the one that's doing wrong
I thought maybe if I started praying that we would get better but when I would pray the answer would always come back to me being done
But we are so hardheaded

I told myself that I would make some changes
But the more I change there's one thing that remains the same
I can't seem to shake ya
You seem to really have a hold on me

This can't go on now
I gotta move on now

I gotta break this bad habit
Can't take this bad habit no more

I've taken all I can take

You went against the right things that you should do
It's time to make a change