Saying goodbye

May 30, 2006 14:40

Last Thursday night at around 11pm my Grandma Sowerby (my stepfather's mother) passed away. It is the first loss that hits close to the heart. I can't say my family wasn't expecting this. She had been slowly getting weaker and weaker and frequently visited the hospital. We knew that there would come a time when she wouldn't come out of the hospital again... it was just hard to accept it so soon.

The funeral was on Sunday. It was open casket. My experience with open casket funerals is not numerous. When I had first heard the news she had passed away I was shocked but considered it a blessing as she was suffering. But the reality of it all hadn't hit me until I rounded the corner at the chapel and saw her lying in the casket. So quiet and still. My stomach lurched and I felt like I was going to vomit. As if I was 5 years old again, I raced back to my mother and began to cry. I wasn't ready for this. Eventually I composed myself because I knew I had to be strong for my older step sister Kalie and my sister Alison who doesn't deal with death very well. I spent the majority of the viewing sitting on a couch, out of view of the casket. As more and more people came, I started to feel a bit more comfortable. Alison had already been in the chapel and said her goodbyes and I felt that I had to do it too.

I asked my sister to come with me to say goodbye. Instead of walking up the aisle of the chapel, we walked through a side door that was closer to my grandma but it didn't allow me to look at the casket while walking up a long aisle. I slowly walked up to my grandma's side and realized that it wasn't too bad after all. I kept telling myself that she was only sleeping to make things a bit easier for me to look. What amazed me is that I didn't cry at this point. I thought at best it would take me about a minute looking into the casket until I broke down but no. I stood there, composed and calm beside Alison. Several minutes passed until we walked away again as more people came to say goodbye.

Eventually Alison and I decided we needed to get some air so we stood outside until we were called back in. It was time for the close family to say goodbye to Grandma Sowerby for the last time. We were curtained off to the side of the chapel and were told we could go say our final goodbyes. After we were finished they were going to close the casket. Not everyone came to say their final goodbye. It consisted of myself, Alison, Kalie, my mom, and my stepfather. We all stood in silence. I was standing a bit behind everyone else. Alison began to cry which created a chain reaction... except with me. I continued to remain composed. It was weird. As if my body was numb, I just couldn't express what I was feeling. In fact, I didn't even know what I was feeling. I wanted to be strong for my family. I wanted them to see that I was there to comfort them. It wasn't until Kalie came over and hugged Alison and I that I finally lost it. Grandma Sowerby is gone. She isn't waking up. I won't be able to see her face ever again once they close that casket. It was the hardest thing to accept. The ceremony went on and the pastor spoke of memories that I will hold in my heart forever. It came to a close and it was time to take the casket to the hurse. As it drove away, my heart felt heavy and my chest tightened. She was gone.

I know as I continue to grow and my life goes on, more and more people that I deeply care for are going to leave me. I don't know how. I don't know when. All I know is that I will have to prepare myself for it. I will have to accept it. It's a part of life.

What hit me the hardest about all this is that the last time I saw my Grandma Sowerby was Mother's Day weekend. I had said, "I hope you feel better soon Grandma."  and she said "I hope so too, Jennifer."

Be blessed Grandma. You are in a better place now.
Previous post Next post
Up