When does one reach true happiness?
I find myself asking that question every single day.
I passed my G2 exit test today. I should be beaming that I’m now fully licensed but for some reason I found myself sobbing quietly in the quiet calm of my car due to a series of events (whether it be in my head or not) on my way home last night. And as I continued to be in the state of melancholy, I asked myself: What does it take for myself to achieve happiness?
Now I’m not writing this in a weak attempt to receive sympathy from anyone. And it upsets me that I even have to write that. Every time I write something or say something I feel like I have to make it clear that I’m not trying to “be” anything. What a wimp. I’m sorry. What a bitch. I didn’t mean to come across like that. What is she trying to prove? Nothing! I’m sick of all these thoughts going through my head! I always try to talk things out but no matter what I always think what the other person might be thinking and how I might be coming across. I never want to give the wrong impression and I work so hard to avoid that. It shouldn’t be like that. Why must I struggle with every discomforting thought that should be told? Why must it be the hardest thing in the world to communicate what is upsetting me? I can’t seem to ignore the fact that I’m being judged on every word that is coming out of my mouth. Nobody’s judging you. Okay, maybe that’s the case but why did I feel like as soon I had spoke my mind that I just wanted to get away. I was uncomfortable, scared, worried. Every emotion went through my mind that made me want to curl up into a ball and never show my face again. What’s wrong with me? Shut up. I’m sorry.
I should be happy. Nobody cares. I knew that when I started this. I have a new car, a boyfriend who I love to death and who loves me back Ugh oh please (bite me), a small income from my mother once and a while, a grandmother who is helping pay for my car insurance each month, my grandfather who says he’ll help pay my tuition this year, a new cell phone, a Wonderland season pass, a Toronto Zoo membership, a laptop, a Nintendo DS and so much more. How is it that I continue to come home crying? Maybe my endless amount of debt? The fact I still don’t have a job perhaps? Why haven’t you called more places? You’d have a job by now if you’d been calling. I don’t feel like explaining that right now….
It would seem to me that the good out weighs the bad but somehow I can always find one negative thing and focus on it to bring my whole day down. Like last night… but I’m not about to go into details. Then why bring it up? Fuck off. I feel like I’m constantly the party pooper of all parties. The crybaby of every event. The downer as one might call it. I want that to stop. I don’t want to be upset anymore. If I keep going like this, I’m bound to be dead by the time I turn 30.
……
I know you try so hard everyday. I’m so sorry for making your effort feel worthless. It would seem I’m a tough case. I just seem to focus on too much of the bad instead of the good. I should be happy with what I have and what I have with you. You’re something special. I’m sorry for the way I act sometimes all the time. Thank you for putting up with me and always trying to put a positive turn on things. I love you. Don’t give up on me just yet.
Finally she's done Kiss my ass.
I passed my G2 exit test today. I should be beaming that I’m now fully licensed but for some reason I found myself sobbing quietly in the quiet calm of my car due to a series of events (whether it be in my head or not) on my way home last night. And as I continued to be in the state of melancholy, I asked myself: What does it take for myself to achieve happiness?
Now I’m not writing this in a weak attempt to receive sympathy from anyone. And it upsets me that I even have to write that. Every time I write something or say something I feel like I have to make it clear that I’m not trying to “be” anything. What a wimp. I’m sorry. What a bitch. I didn’t mean to come across like that. What is she trying to prove? Nothing! I’m sick of all these thoughts going through my head! I always try to talk things out but no matter what I always think what the other person might be thinking and how I might be coming across. I never want to give the wrong impression and I work so hard to avoid that. It shouldn’t be like that. Why must I struggle with every discomforting thought that should be told? Why must it be the hardest thing in the world to communicate what is upsetting me? I can’t seem to ignore the fact that I’m being judged on every word that is coming out of my mouth. Nobody’s judging you. Okay, maybe that’s the case but why did I feel like as soon I had spoke my mind that I just wanted to get away. I was uncomfortable, scared, worried. Every emotion went through my mind that made me want to curl up into a ball and never show my face again. What’s wrong with me? Shut up. I’m sorry.
I should be happy. Nobody cares. I knew that when I started this. I have a new car, a boyfriend who I love to death and who loves me back Ugh oh please (bite me), a small income from my mother once and a while, a grandmother who is helping pay for my car insurance each month, my grandfather who says he’ll help pay my tuition this year, a new cell phone, a Wonderland season pass, a Toronto Zoo membership, a laptop, a Nintendo DS and so much more. How is it that I continue to come home crying? Maybe my endless amount of debt? The fact I still don’t have a job perhaps? Why haven’t you called more places? You’d have a job by now if you’d been calling. I don’t feel like explaining that right now….
It would seem to me that the good out weighs the bad but somehow I can always find one negative thing and focus on it to bring my whole day down. Like last night… but I’m not about to go into details. Then why bring it up? Fuck off. I feel like I’m constantly the party pooper of all parties. The crybaby of every event. The downer as one might call it. I want that to stop. I don’t want to be upset anymore. If I keep going like this, I’m bound to be dead by the time I turn 30.
……
I know you try so hard everyday. I’m so sorry for making your effort feel worthless. It would seem I’m a tough case. I just seem to focus on too much of the bad instead of the good. I should be happy with what I have and what I have with you. You’re something special. I’m sorry for the way I act sometimes all the time. Thank you for putting up with me and always trying to put a positive turn on things. I love you. Don’t give up on me just yet.
Finally she's done Kiss my ass.