mental health diagnoses - yay or nay?
So, yesterday at my therapy appointment, I was talking about what I usually talk about, which is how I don't really know who I am because I have so many thoughts racing around in my head at any given time, thoughts that contridict each other, thoughts that are critical of other thoughts, thought that are spin outs of other thoughts, thoughts, thoughts, thoughts. This is a problem because it is very difficult for me to make decisions, or to really have a clear understanding of what I am feeling, because as soon as I have a feeling, there is a torrential downpour of thoughts diluting the feeling, pushing the feeling somewhere else, explaining the feeling away, whatever. Every decision I make is overwrought, full of every possibility of every option that ever could have been. This is a problem.
In talking about this, I also happened to mention how I tend towards insomnia because by the time night comes around, the crazy thinking tilt-a-whirl is going strong, and I don't have the ability to shut it off, so I lay in bed exhausted but trying to climb off the fucking ride.
I also talked about how I have to have the radio or TV on when I am studying in order to be able to focus, cause otherwise the thoughts distract me.
So then R, that's my therapist, asks me how much coffee I drink, and I'm thinking that she's gonna tell me to lay off the caffeine. I tell her, and she says, do you drink more when you're stressed out, do you crave it? yes. duh. ok, does it calm you down? uh. yes. duh. why else would I drink it? And R. says, Andie, um, I think you might have ADD.
And the first thing I think is: little boys get ADD and their helicopter parents freak about it and their teenage siblings steal their ritalin. Then, kids with ADD don't do well in school. Then, ohmygod maybe its true and that maybe makes me feel good to have an actual diagnosis to think about instead of a feeling of absolute crazy that also seems ungrounded. So, R tells me to take some initial online assessments and do some reading about it to see if I feel like it fits, and then we can proceed from there in terms of 1) its applicable, 2) if it is, seeking 'treatment' and whether thats something I'd even want and 3) integrating an understanding of it into the work we do.
Of all the possible diagnoses I have ever considered for myself, this never would have been among them. I have always had all of this stuff going on, and a generally high level of anxiety, but a lot of the stuff that seems 'typically' ADHD/ADD isn't present in my life. In particular, the sort of 'smart but doesn't live up to potential' stereotype - since I have always done well in school and at work. However, I also look at where and when I have 'succeeded' and where I have not, and there is a connection with the ability to jump around (ie: why I'm good at the job I do now, but wasn't as successful at MESA where I had to spend long hours on a single project, at a desk, in front of a computer) And while I read well and absorb written material well, I rarely read an entire document, ever. I have always skimmed, and ultimately, I struggle when I encounter a book or document which demands complete and careful reading. the anxiety, crazy fast thinking, lack of sleep, all of it fits.
So, this isn't a diagnosis, and I'm not treating it like one. I did take some initial online tests and scored in the probable add/adhd range. I continue to be nagged by some things that aren't true, but ultimately adhd is a cluster diagnosis, so its never gonna be all true or not.
There is a lot of relief that I'm feeling about having something to point to; I don't want to reduce non-diagnosable stuff to unimportant or not legitimate, and I don't want my craziness to have to be legitimized or not by an institution or industry or whatever, but there are things about this that feel like they could move me forward in figuring things out. It also fucking freaks me out and feels weird. I am not even thinking about the possibility of medication because it feels too weird and too far in the future.
Anyway, for folks who've had more experience with mental health type stuff, and specific diagnoses and how that has worked for you (esp. if anyone has dealt with adhd/add) I'd really appreciate the feedback.
lurve,
al
In talking about this, I also happened to mention how I tend towards insomnia because by the time night comes around, the crazy thinking tilt-a-whirl is going strong, and I don't have the ability to shut it off, so I lay in bed exhausted but trying to climb off the fucking ride.
I also talked about how I have to have the radio or TV on when I am studying in order to be able to focus, cause otherwise the thoughts distract me.
So then R, that's my therapist, asks me how much coffee I drink, and I'm thinking that she's gonna tell me to lay off the caffeine. I tell her, and she says, do you drink more when you're stressed out, do you crave it? yes. duh. ok, does it calm you down? uh. yes. duh. why else would I drink it? And R. says, Andie, um, I think you might have ADD.
And the first thing I think is: little boys get ADD and their helicopter parents freak about it and their teenage siblings steal their ritalin. Then, kids with ADD don't do well in school. Then, ohmygod maybe its true and that maybe makes me feel good to have an actual diagnosis to think about instead of a feeling of absolute crazy that also seems ungrounded. So, R tells me to take some initial online assessments and do some reading about it to see if I feel like it fits, and then we can proceed from there in terms of 1) its applicable, 2) if it is, seeking 'treatment' and whether thats something I'd even want and 3) integrating an understanding of it into the work we do.
Of all the possible diagnoses I have ever considered for myself, this never would have been among them. I have always had all of this stuff going on, and a generally high level of anxiety, but a lot of the stuff that seems 'typically' ADHD/ADD isn't present in my life. In particular, the sort of 'smart but doesn't live up to potential' stereotype - since I have always done well in school and at work. However, I also look at where and when I have 'succeeded' and where I have not, and there is a connection with the ability to jump around (ie: why I'm good at the job I do now, but wasn't as successful at MESA where I had to spend long hours on a single project, at a desk, in front of a computer) And while I read well and absorb written material well, I rarely read an entire document, ever. I have always skimmed, and ultimately, I struggle when I encounter a book or document which demands complete and careful reading. the anxiety, crazy fast thinking, lack of sleep, all of it fits.
So, this isn't a diagnosis, and I'm not treating it like one. I did take some initial online tests and scored in the probable add/adhd range. I continue to be nagged by some things that aren't true, but ultimately adhd is a cluster diagnosis, so its never gonna be all true or not.
There is a lot of relief that I'm feeling about having something to point to; I don't want to reduce non-diagnosable stuff to unimportant or not legitimate, and I don't want my craziness to have to be legitimized or not by an institution or industry or whatever, but there are things about this that feel like they could move me forward in figuring things out. It also fucking freaks me out and feels weird. I am not even thinking about the possibility of medication because it feels too weird and too far in the future.
Anyway, for folks who've had more experience with mental health type stuff, and specific diagnoses and how that has worked for you (esp. if anyone has dealt with adhd/add) I'd really appreciate the feedback.
lurve,
al