thoughts on break up songs
So I am intentionally trying to mire myself in break up music, partially as an academic pursuit, and partially because that's what I need right now.
For the record, I totally turned a corner on Monday afternoon, tapped into my rage, and have (for the most part) been on the upswing since then. Monday night at the Tree House with the best of the bunch really helped (thanks for letting me yell at you and sit alone picking labels off of beer bottles) and so did my brief night out with PMR, and my fucking amazing conversation with my new friend/weirdly involved friend M last night, as did my strangely renewed focus at school today. So, I am not wailing myself to sleep or needing to ingest booze/herbs/whatever to get to sleep/get through my day. I'm still a little lonely, a little lost, a little sad. and probably I will be for a while. S and I are going to meet on Saturday, I don't know why but that actually feels better than knowing I have fucked intentions (get back together, yell/scream, make her jealous, whatev) Partially, at least, its to exchange some more stuff, which is a little heartbreaking, but ok. Talking to her didn't bring on the hole-in-the-heart feeling. Just a little wistfullness.
Anyway, in doing all this break up listening, I've determined that my break up song this go around is Ani DiFranco's "Grey", which I have heard and loved before, but which Maggie's Crying/Puking mix (leant by Caro) reminded me of . . .and really, it's so perfect:
the sky is grey
the sand is grey
and the ocean is grey
and i feel right at home
in this stunning monochrome
alone in my way
i smoke and i drink
and every time i blink
i have a tiny dream
but as bad as i am
i'm proud of the fact
that i'm worse than i seem
what kind of paradise am i looking for?
i've got everything i want and still i want more
maybe some tiny shiny key
will wash up on the shore
you walk through my walls
like a ghost on tv
you penetrate me
and my little pink heart
is on its little brown raft
floating out to sea
and what can i say
but i'm wired this way
and you're wired to me
and what can i do
but wallow in you
unintentionally
what kind of paradise am i looking for?
i've got everything i want and still i want more
maybe some tiny shiny key
will wash up on the shore
regretfully
i guess i've only got three
simple things to say:
why me?
why this now?
why this way?
with overtones ringing
and undertows pulling away
under a sky that is grey
on sand that is grey
by an ocean that's grey
what kind of paradise am i looking for?
i've got everything i want
and still i want more
maybe some tiny shiny key
will wash up on the shore
I am hoping to do some further thinking about the fact that the break up theme for Mac was Pony Up!'s "The Best Offense" (also from a mix by Maggie because she is a fucking mix genius!):
Don't tell me they all hate me now too
don't tell me it all comes back to you
the only thing I can think to do
is to sap some strength
from somebody new
I miss not knowing you so well
you make yourself useful to each one who cries
and then left without you they'll be paralyzed
my self-respect means more to me than you do
or at least it used to
I wonder what it was I thought that I knew
did I realize I would never be enough for you?
you ask again what is it that I'm waiting for
that is a stupid question
that is to be sure
you sit there calmly with your eloquence
and I thought the best offence was a good defence
but I keep losing every round
I remember when it all started going down
I remember the beer caught in my throat
and the lonely comfort of my only winter coat
I could tell you exactly when I fell
it was back when I did not know you so well
Both sad, both ultimately admitting that the end was a good thing, one of them much more heartwrenching. I dunno.
anyway, this is all kind of prep for the zine, I hope I don't recover so quickly that I don't get my project finished.
In other notes, I am itchy. Because I am somewhat neurotic and because many people in my life have been stricken with bed bugs, I am really freaked out that I have them too. Except I can find 0 evidence of them, and I don't really have any bites or marks . . .sometimes kind of a rashy bumpy thing if I scratch, but before I scratch when its just itchy, nothing. I thought maybe it was just winter dry skin, but lotion doesn't seem to soothe it. Fucking help! Is this scabies, psorisis, what?
Thanks for being awesome buddies.
heart,
al
For the record, I totally turned a corner on Monday afternoon, tapped into my rage, and have (for the most part) been on the upswing since then. Monday night at the Tree House with the best of the bunch really helped (thanks for letting me yell at you and sit alone picking labels off of beer bottles) and so did my brief night out with PMR, and my fucking amazing conversation with my new friend/weirdly involved friend M last night, as did my strangely renewed focus at school today. So, I am not wailing myself to sleep or needing to ingest booze/herbs/whatever to get to sleep/get through my day. I'm still a little lonely, a little lost, a little sad. and probably I will be for a while. S and I are going to meet on Saturday, I don't know why but that actually feels better than knowing I have fucked intentions (get back together, yell/scream, make her jealous, whatev) Partially, at least, its to exchange some more stuff, which is a little heartbreaking, but ok. Talking to her didn't bring on the hole-in-the-heart feeling. Just a little wistfullness.
Anyway, in doing all this break up listening, I've determined that my break up song this go around is Ani DiFranco's "Grey", which I have heard and loved before, but which Maggie's Crying/Puking mix (leant by Caro) reminded me of . . .and really, it's so perfect:
the sky is grey
the sand is grey
and the ocean is grey
and i feel right at home
in this stunning monochrome
alone in my way
i smoke and i drink
and every time i blink
i have a tiny dream
but as bad as i am
i'm proud of the fact
that i'm worse than i seem
what kind of paradise am i looking for?
i've got everything i want and still i want more
maybe some tiny shiny key
will wash up on the shore
you walk through my walls
like a ghost on tv
you penetrate me
and my little pink heart
is on its little brown raft
floating out to sea
and what can i say
but i'm wired this way
and you're wired to me
and what can i do
but wallow in you
unintentionally
what kind of paradise am i looking for?
i've got everything i want and still i want more
maybe some tiny shiny key
will wash up on the shore
regretfully
i guess i've only got three
simple things to say:
why me?
why this now?
why this way?
with overtones ringing
and undertows pulling away
under a sky that is grey
on sand that is grey
by an ocean that's grey
what kind of paradise am i looking for?
i've got everything i want
and still i want more
maybe some tiny shiny key
will wash up on the shore
I am hoping to do some further thinking about the fact that the break up theme for Mac was Pony Up!'s "The Best Offense" (also from a mix by Maggie because she is a fucking mix genius!):
Don't tell me they all hate me now too
don't tell me it all comes back to you
the only thing I can think to do
is to sap some strength
from somebody new
I miss not knowing you so well
you make yourself useful to each one who cries
and then left without you they'll be paralyzed
my self-respect means more to me than you do
or at least it used to
I wonder what it was I thought that I knew
did I realize I would never be enough for you?
you ask again what is it that I'm waiting for
that is a stupid question
that is to be sure
you sit there calmly with your eloquence
and I thought the best offence was a good defence
but I keep losing every round
I remember when it all started going down
I remember the beer caught in my throat
and the lonely comfort of my only winter coat
I could tell you exactly when I fell
it was back when I did not know you so well
Both sad, both ultimately admitting that the end was a good thing, one of them much more heartwrenching. I dunno.
anyway, this is all kind of prep for the zine, I hope I don't recover so quickly that I don't get my project finished.
In other notes, I am itchy. Because I am somewhat neurotic and because many people in my life have been stricken with bed bugs, I am really freaked out that I have them too. Except I can find 0 evidence of them, and I don't really have any bites or marks . . .sometimes kind of a rashy bumpy thing if I scratch, but before I scratch when its just itchy, nothing. I thought maybe it was just winter dry skin, but lotion doesn't seem to soothe it. Fucking help! Is this scabies, psorisis, what?
Thanks for being awesome buddies.
heart,
al