i'm such a mess..

[not_sooo_weird]

I am such a thankless, miserable, useless person. I am so wrapped up in what I call problems. I can't even see the light of day. I have a hard time being thankful for what I see around me every day. I am the most bitter and wretched person that ever poked their head out from behind a rock. i am so horrible. seriously. i have not talked to my sister in weeks. nothing other than the completely unavoidable. what is wrong with me? am i that freakin jealous? or what in the world is my problem. yes- she is a pain, yes- she treats mom like dirt, yes- she has managed to ruin a portion of the relationships i had and never wanted to end. . . arg.. i have to get over it. really have to. i can't stand to even look at her. or him. at all... really messed up. i'm ticked off at so many ppl right now. do they know it? nope. why don't they? cause i'm an idiot. So mad at my mom b/c she keeps spending time with ppl half her age.. MY FRIENDS. what is her and their problems????? she needs to find her own friends. i'm ticked that kate won't take a single evening to have anything to do with me or mom or cort-lyn. i'm ticked off that shane would have the odasity to be friendly with my dad's girlfriend that he knows i don't like. some friend he is!!! do i talk to his mom's "boyfriend" that way???? nooooo. how long has he known me? also.. i am not his mother or his maid. i'm so sick and tired of being treated bad by him. for example.. he asks me to do things like errands that he didn't get to. when i do them.. do i even get a thanks? nope. then he has the nerve to crush me in front of 4 ppl. he absolutely knows that what he said really really really hurt. ahhhhhhh. why in the world do i bother? i ask the question again and again. it seems like every time i think some thing is going well it turns upside down. how many times have i finally worked something out.. formed a friendship i finally think i can trust.. then what happens? get's ripped right out from underneath me. i can list about 6 different friends that have disappeared about the time i was actually comfortable being completely honest. i think its to teach me something and obviously i haven't learned the lesson yet, because it continues to happen. i think that God is yelling, "Lean on Me" and i just refuse. i don't know how to give it up.. and its not like "it" is someone.. because trust me there isn't anyone right now that i'm even trying to talk to.. it never lasts. "it" is my own stupid pride. "it" is me not just giving up. i need help. i really do. i am so sick and tired of being like this.

on a side note. i'm pretty sure there is something wrong with me in the hormone dept. not good. trying to figure it out, google-ing things. just by reading this one could determine that there may be a few loose screws.. hah. just trust me on this: if you were looking at me right now.. you would NEVER know it. that's a promise. i won't burden you with outward distress. just being eaten internally.. though this venting is handy. a shame i haven't utilized it much lately.