(no subject)
goddamn, i am so lost. this is the last thing i wanted to happen. ugh. what in god's name am i doing?
i wish i could answer that.
what do most people do in need? turn to god? turn to their friends? well, count the last one out considering my only two friends completely turned their back on me.
and for what? oh, for me being "out of control."
are you fucking kidding me? who drops their friends when they develop problems? why wouldn't you try to help them? why wouldn't you try to hear them out instead of judging? that's all i ask for.
and you know, i try hard to come off as a strong person. i do believe i am, but god, not now. it's all too much. with probation and violating the curfew bullshit ...
who knows? maybe i'll end up in jail. maybe that'll be my true wake-up call. it's funny. it's like i am screaming at the top of my lungs for help, from someone, from anyone, and no one can hear me. or they just choose not to. but that's fine. but do you know how many times i've listened to all of you with your problems and what was bothering you? i am working on developing compassion, but it all just blows up in my fucking face. fuck compassion. fucking caring for others. that's gotten me absolutely nowhere.
well, if i do end up on 49th street, someone write to me. i don't care what it is. draw me a picture. write me a poem. maybe a haiku or two. or maybe a nice piece of what i should and shouldn't have done in life. because i surely haven't heard that enough.
i told myself i wouldn't backtrack but i just. can't.
it's the only way i know. it's my only way of coping with this terrible thing called reality. god forbid.
i really am working on becoming a better person. it's sad to think i prided myself in being a bad person. it's true, when you become so numb, you don't give a fuck who you hurt in the process.
tom is done with me. alyssia is done with me. lee is done with me. they all are. hahahahaha.
will i make it out alive?
who knows?
let me finish this delicious red stripe and i'll get back to you on that.
i wish i could answer that.
what do most people do in need? turn to god? turn to their friends? well, count the last one out considering my only two friends completely turned their back on me.
and for what? oh, for me being "out of control."
are you fucking kidding me? who drops their friends when they develop problems? why wouldn't you try to help them? why wouldn't you try to hear them out instead of judging? that's all i ask for.
and you know, i try hard to come off as a strong person. i do believe i am, but god, not now. it's all too much. with probation and violating the curfew bullshit ...
who knows? maybe i'll end up in jail. maybe that'll be my true wake-up call. it's funny. it's like i am screaming at the top of my lungs for help, from someone, from anyone, and no one can hear me. or they just choose not to. but that's fine. but do you know how many times i've listened to all of you with your problems and what was bothering you? i am working on developing compassion, but it all just blows up in my fucking face. fuck compassion. fucking caring for others. that's gotten me absolutely nowhere.
well, if i do end up on 49th street, someone write to me. i don't care what it is. draw me a picture. write me a poem. maybe a haiku or two. or maybe a nice piece of what i should and shouldn't have done in life. because i surely haven't heard that enough.
i told myself i wouldn't backtrack but i just. can't.
it's the only way i know. it's my only way of coping with this terrible thing called reality. god forbid.
i really am working on becoming a better person. it's sad to think i prided myself in being a bad person. it's true, when you become so numb, you don't give a fuck who you hurt in the process.
tom is done with me. alyssia is done with me. lee is done with me. they all are. hahahahaha.
will i make it out alive?
who knows?
let me finish this delicious red stripe and i'll get back to you on that.