it's a possibility to live without
on the verge of tears again. couldn't really explain why. i really think i may seek help from someone. maybe even check into a psychiatric hospital. i don't think many people would try to disuade me.
i can't do it alone. never have i felt so alone. isn't this what i wanted? drugs were my boyfriend. drugs were my friends.
drugs are the reasons i have no control and do terrible things in life.
i could've done so much more. now all it seems i'm capable of is failing and disappointing.
and i don't think i can change, you know? i mean, i've said and tried to, and fail miserably each time.
it's just disheartening. and i blame nobody but myself. i just wish i knew when to stop. just fucking stop. it sounds so easy.
i need to change my number. i can't have the text messages or the phone calls telling me what pharmaceuticals are in stock. it is killing me. it truly, truly is killing me on the inside.
and i've said it over and over and over like a fucking broken record.
i appreciate and take my friend's advice into consideration, but they can't save me from myself.
i laugh at that show on vh1, celebrity rehab, but to be quite honest, it's not funny. i can see myself in that shape in a good ten years or so if i keep it up. and i don't want that to happen. to be so addicted to something that your body actually gets sick without it. jeff connoway can't even walk and can't do much of anything. from old age? no. from drug use. and that's really sad.
inner demons. we all have them. i guess we all deal with these demons in our own different ways. i wish i had picked a different way other than drinking or doing drugs.
this itself, this lifestyle, these livejournal posts ... it's all getting old.
today will be the day i look into a rehabilitation center or a psychiatric ward.
i want to give up my rights.
my self-control went out the window. haven't been able to find it since.