you didn't see this
GOSH I WONDER WHO WROTE THIS it appeared mysteriously on my computer-machine.
The Doctor leaned against the doorframe and knocked on the wall.
Romana looked up from her crossword. "Flowers again?"
"Yes!"
"What kind are they this time?"
"Tulips." The Doctor grinned expansively.
Romana looked terribly interested. "Oh, are those the ones they make from hamster jam?"
The Doctor blinked blankly. Finally he realised what she was on about. "Amsterdam. You're thinking of the punchline to a joke."
She sighed. "How am I suppose to know it's a joke when I don't know what the pun is? What's an Amsterdam?"
"It's a place, on Earth."
"Oh, Earth," she said, making it rhyme with 'dull', and went back to her crossword.
"It's wonderful! You'd love it! What shall I do with these?" He held up the tulips.
"Put them with all the others, I suppose," said Romana, gesturing to her dressing-table. "What are they for, anyway?"
"I'm wooing you," said the Doctor.
"Wooing?"
"Yes, it's a sort of seduction through romantic gestures."
"Floral gestures?"
"It's considered very romantic on Earth."
Romana looked wistful. "I once had a girlfriend who gave me a solid gold hypercube. Utterly useless, but very pretty. I used it as a paperweight."
The Doctor sniffed. "I think flowers are rather more romantic than something like that."
"What do I do with them, exactly?"
"You... well, you... feel loved?"
"Hmm. What other gestures are you planning?"
"Poetry!" he grinned. "I've written a few sonnets about how much I adore you."
Romana chewed her lip. "Was that what was on those pages I found hidden in K-9's head? All that stuff about 'you are the sunshine of my hearts'?"
"What were you doing in K-9's head?"
"Looking for loose change." She sat up on the edge of her bed and put down the puzzle book. "I think I could manage a few haiku."
"You don't have to," said the Doctor, "you just have to be wooed."
"Do we have time for a traditional Gallifreyan courtship? We only have three more segments to find and then I have to go home."
The Doctor smiled with his entire face. "This is much faster. Humans don't live as long, you see."
"But I haven't even met your extended family, yet!"
"Oh." The Doctor sat down on the edge of her bed and looked at her over the book of puzzles. "Don't you want to be wooed?"
"Well," she said, a bit coyly, "I always did think the traditional way was a bit convoluted."
"I said as much to my wife when we were finally allowed in the same room as each other."
"When I was at the Academy," said Romana, conspiratorially, "I knew some people who kissed after only nine years of courtship."
"How desperately shocking!"
"I know! You may think of me as a goody-goody, but we were a pretty hedonistic bunch at times."
"Oh, I think of you as a pretty open-minded young woman."
"I knew you'd realise that eventually," she said, apparently umoved. "In fact, I've been reading some books from Earth. About how they, well, woo."
"Not the ones Jo left behind, I should hope."
"They were very interesting," she said, ignoring his meaningless back-referencing. "But I don't think I have any bodices I'd be prepared to let you rip. I suppose I could wear something I don't like, but I don't think that was the idea."
"I've been with plenty of humans and have hardly ever had to rip a bodice. Except once when she was choking to death on a pear." He shuddered. "I hate pears."
"I have a confession to make," said Romana.
"Is it about how you long to kiss me?"
"Not quite. I contacted your friend Leela after I was sent here. To ask if you were dangerous."
"And she said no, of course."
"No, she said yes." She looked thoughtful for a moment. "And something about eating my heart raw if I let you get yourself killed. She didn't specify which heart."
"Oh."
"So you see, we could only ever have a brief yet passionate affair. Marriage is out of the question, my parents would lock me in my room for three hundred years."
"How brief and passionate?"
"Not more than a century, I'd say."
"And how passionate?"
"I'll show you."
K-9 trundled slowly up to the open doorway. "TARDIS diagnostic survey complete!" he said in his camp little voice.
It was some time before they answered him.
The Doctor leaned against the doorframe and knocked on the wall.
Romana looked up from her crossword. "Flowers again?"
"Yes!"
"What kind are they this time?"
"Tulips." The Doctor grinned expansively.
Romana looked terribly interested. "Oh, are those the ones they make from hamster jam?"
The Doctor blinked blankly. Finally he realised what she was on about. "Amsterdam. You're thinking of the punchline to a joke."
She sighed. "How am I suppose to know it's a joke when I don't know what the pun is? What's an Amsterdam?"
"It's a place, on Earth."
"Oh, Earth," she said, making it rhyme with 'dull', and went back to her crossword.
"It's wonderful! You'd love it! What shall I do with these?" He held up the tulips.
"Put them with all the others, I suppose," said Romana, gesturing to her dressing-table. "What are they for, anyway?"
"I'm wooing you," said the Doctor.
"Wooing?"
"Yes, it's a sort of seduction through romantic gestures."
"Floral gestures?"
"It's considered very romantic on Earth."
Romana looked wistful. "I once had a girlfriend who gave me a solid gold hypercube. Utterly useless, but very pretty. I used it as a paperweight."
The Doctor sniffed. "I think flowers are rather more romantic than something like that."
"What do I do with them, exactly?"
"You... well, you... feel loved?"
"Hmm. What other gestures are you planning?"
"Poetry!" he grinned. "I've written a few sonnets about how much I adore you."
Romana chewed her lip. "Was that what was on those pages I found hidden in K-9's head? All that stuff about 'you are the sunshine of my hearts'?"
"What were you doing in K-9's head?"
"Looking for loose change." She sat up on the edge of her bed and put down the puzzle book. "I think I could manage a few haiku."
"You don't have to," said the Doctor, "you just have to be wooed."
"Do we have time for a traditional Gallifreyan courtship? We only have three more segments to find and then I have to go home."
The Doctor smiled with his entire face. "This is much faster. Humans don't live as long, you see."
"But I haven't even met your extended family, yet!"
"Oh." The Doctor sat down on the edge of her bed and looked at her over the book of puzzles. "Don't you want to be wooed?"
"Well," she said, a bit coyly, "I always did think the traditional way was a bit convoluted."
"I said as much to my wife when we were finally allowed in the same room as each other."
"When I was at the Academy," said Romana, conspiratorially, "I knew some people who kissed after only nine years of courtship."
"How desperately shocking!"
"I know! You may think of me as a goody-goody, but we were a pretty hedonistic bunch at times."
"Oh, I think of you as a pretty open-minded young woman."
"I knew you'd realise that eventually," she said, apparently umoved. "In fact, I've been reading some books from Earth. About how they, well, woo."
"Not the ones Jo left behind, I should hope."
"They were very interesting," she said, ignoring his meaningless back-referencing. "But I don't think I have any bodices I'd be prepared to let you rip. I suppose I could wear something I don't like, but I don't think that was the idea."
"I've been with plenty of humans and have hardly ever had to rip a bodice. Except once when she was choking to death on a pear." He shuddered. "I hate pears."
"I have a confession to make," said Romana.
"Is it about how you long to kiss me?"
"Not quite. I contacted your friend Leela after I was sent here. To ask if you were dangerous."
"And she said no, of course."
"No, she said yes." She looked thoughtful for a moment. "And something about eating my heart raw if I let you get yourself killed. She didn't specify which heart."
"Oh."
"So you see, we could only ever have a brief yet passionate affair. Marriage is out of the question, my parents would lock me in my room for three hundred years."
"How brief and passionate?"
"Not more than a century, I'd say."
"And how passionate?"
"I'll show you."
K-9 trundled slowly up to the open doorway. "TARDIS diagnostic survey complete!" he said in his camp little voice.
It was some time before they answered him.