Update
Well it has been a very long time and usually when I have anything good to say I never write it in livejournal so be prepared now I will try not to be as emo as possible but this will not be a positive post.
Mirror
I can literaly say this is the bane of my existence, I have to say one of my least favorite things is shaving, not for the action I like having very soft skin if I could have all my body hair removed except for top of the head, eye brows an leg hair below the knees I would do it, I would say arm hair but I do not seem to grow any. The reason I hate looking in the mirror is that I really can't stand looking at my self. I can't think of a single thing I actually like about my self in any possible way. I really have tried once it was the most uncomfortable thing I have ever had to go though, i actually looked in the mirror for five minutes. I saw nothing, nothing worth looking at, nothing for a future and nothing worth loving. I think maybe that is why I can't commit to anyone if I can't care for my self how do i intend to care for anyone else, at least that is what I think. I hate mirrors, I hate my reflections and I really can say i do not find a thing I can see that i actually like about my self.
Single
Do not get me wrong I hate being single if I could get over my stigma I would love to be with someone right now. I have conditioned my self to even feel uncomfortable sleeping in the same bed as someone. I need that comfort back I like to cuddle I have never had such peaceful sleep as after having sex with someone then sleeping with my arms wrapped around them and yet now no mater what happens with someone if they are in bed with me I feel this feeling of being trapped like a animal caught in a trap. I miss my days in Castlegar, group cuddle piles guys and girls all mixed together limos and blankets all of us sleeping on each other and so comfortable we all where in our underwear and totally OK no sexual tensions and just comfortable. Now I can't even feel comfortable cuddling with one person and these are people i have known for years. I really think I am loosing my attachment to all other humans and I am not sure if I am ever going to get it back.
Job
Well I was OK with it till they screwed me over and took me off weekends again, I have worried for so long always over weekends and just for a bit I had them off constantly. But now Wednesday and Thursday, really why those day. It is OK it will force me to suck up this crap and get back into school I tell my self, but really i am not even trying, I feel as if the inside of me the "soul" has given up, I am just walking thought he motions of life on autopilot, and if I could just turn off my brain I would be complete. The problem I have is I have all these ideas and yet no drive no use to do anything with them, it is as if I am a Muse and have no one to use my ideas to create.
There that is good enough I have more to complain about but I do not want to make these entries any longer.
Mirror
I can literaly say this is the bane of my existence, I have to say one of my least favorite things is shaving, not for the action I like having very soft skin if I could have all my body hair removed except for top of the head, eye brows an leg hair below the knees I would do it, I would say arm hair but I do not seem to grow any. The reason I hate looking in the mirror is that I really can't stand looking at my self. I can't think of a single thing I actually like about my self in any possible way. I really have tried once it was the most uncomfortable thing I have ever had to go though, i actually looked in the mirror for five minutes. I saw nothing, nothing worth looking at, nothing for a future and nothing worth loving. I think maybe that is why I can't commit to anyone if I can't care for my self how do i intend to care for anyone else, at least that is what I think. I hate mirrors, I hate my reflections and I really can say i do not find a thing I can see that i actually like about my self.
Single
Do not get me wrong I hate being single if I could get over my stigma I would love to be with someone right now. I have conditioned my self to even feel uncomfortable sleeping in the same bed as someone. I need that comfort back I like to cuddle I have never had such peaceful sleep as after having sex with someone then sleeping with my arms wrapped around them and yet now no mater what happens with someone if they are in bed with me I feel this feeling of being trapped like a animal caught in a trap. I miss my days in Castlegar, group cuddle piles guys and girls all mixed together limos and blankets all of us sleeping on each other and so comfortable we all where in our underwear and totally OK no sexual tensions and just comfortable. Now I can't even feel comfortable cuddling with one person and these are people i have known for years. I really think I am loosing my attachment to all other humans and I am not sure if I am ever going to get it back.
Job
Well I was OK with it till they screwed me over and took me off weekends again, I have worried for so long always over weekends and just for a bit I had them off constantly. But now Wednesday and Thursday, really why those day. It is OK it will force me to suck up this crap and get back into school I tell my self, but really i am not even trying, I feel as if the inside of me the "soul" has given up, I am just walking thought he motions of life on autopilot, and if I could just turn off my brain I would be complete. The problem I have is I have all these ideas and yet no drive no use to do anything with them, it is as if I am a Muse and have no one to use my ideas to create.
There that is good enough I have more to complain about but I do not want to make these entries any longer.