Yeah well I am still here...
What can I really say I keep thinking back at the past or women I could have been with and women I obsessed over or could have done a better job with. I have almost gotten to the point of hating the human race to the point I do not want to ask out anyone ever and looking at non human companionship in the form of a “Real Doll”. I miss my friends, I am not making any new ones and even though I do love this city I find the people here very untrusting and not so friendly. I kind of long to back in hippy country where people actually make friends you can trust and be around people who actually care about each other and do not fear being stabbed in the back by the people you think are close to you.
I barely want to do the work I do and I need another job to get things and to pay off bills so creditors will stop hounding me. I really am starting to either hate myself or just hate being a human being, of all the creatures on the planet I really think my soul or the energy in my body really did not want to reconstitute in this form and maybe my entire life is just a cosmic joke or a mistake. I really feel like I am not human and all this is a human mask or disguise that I am wearing to fit in and pass of as one. I feel just tired of this life.
Regrets suck, I keep thinking back to a certain girl I am completely hating right now and wondering if we could have actually had a relationship. Or thinking of Avery and how if I was her first me and her might have had a kid and my life would have had to, no choice in the mater take a radical change. Or what if I was a better boyfriend to Mandy, or Angie, or Willow, honestly would it have really made a difference. I keep thinking of the dead girl maybe the only love even if just a fantasy I ever really had and I never even known her I just “felt” something and wonder if I am still obsessed and because she is dead I let the loving part of me die as well. Or of Marlo someone so willing to do almost anything to be with me even tried to pay me to stay the night with her and I squirmed out of it because I let fear control my life.
Well at least I am mot eating a bunch of crap food or other and then either throwing up when no one can see it or taking laxatives to stay thin, you know who you are and really it is fucking pathetic.
I barely want to do the work I do and I need another job to get things and to pay off bills so creditors will stop hounding me. I really am starting to either hate myself or just hate being a human being, of all the creatures on the planet I really think my soul or the energy in my body really did not want to reconstitute in this form and maybe my entire life is just a cosmic joke or a mistake. I really feel like I am not human and all this is a human mask or disguise that I am wearing to fit in and pass of as one. I feel just tired of this life.
Regrets suck, I keep thinking back to a certain girl I am completely hating right now and wondering if we could have actually had a relationship. Or thinking of Avery and how if I was her first me and her might have had a kid and my life would have had to, no choice in the mater take a radical change. Or what if I was a better boyfriend to Mandy, or Angie, or Willow, honestly would it have really made a difference. I keep thinking of the dead girl maybe the only love even if just a fantasy I ever really had and I never even known her I just “felt” something and wonder if I am still obsessed and because she is dead I let the loving part of me die as well. Or of Marlo someone so willing to do almost anything to be with me even tried to pay me to stay the night with her and I squirmed out of it because I let fear control my life.
Well at least I am mot eating a bunch of crap food or other and then either throwing up when no one can see it or taking laxatives to stay thin, you know who you are and really it is fucking pathetic.